3 Steps to Better Communication for Stronger Relationships

When my husband and I got married, I quickly learned that we needed to change some of the ways we communicated. The communication styles that had worked in my family were not the same ones my husband had learned, and those differences led to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and a sometimes strained relationship.

Everyone communicates in different ways. And the closer you grow to someone, the more you might recognize your own communication flaws. Now, I get it—it’s hard to unlearn behaviors. But our relationships can bring some of the greatest fulfillment in life, so they are worth the effort to change and grow. As Elder W. Craig Zwick, an emeritus General Authority Seventy, testified, “The willingness to see through each other’s eyes will transform ‘corrupt communication’ into ‘minister[ing] grace.’”¹

The scriptures are full of examples of how we should communicate with others, and I believe that as we do our best to communicate in Christlike ways, we can foster strong relationships and better fulfill the commandment to “love one another”(John 13:34).

So what do we do when we realize there may be healthier ways to communicate—especially ways that are unfamiliar to us? Here are a few things that I’ve learned.

1. Recognize How You Can Improve

The first step to change is recognizing which of your communication habits aren’t useful. Below is a list of topics and questions you can ask yourself to help identify negative habits. The accompanying scriptures can also help you reflect on how you could change your habits.

Listening Poorly

• Do you interrupt people often?
• Are you easily distracted during conversations?
• Do you tend to make all conversations about you?
• While someone else is talking, do you think about what you’re going to say instead of listening to understand them?
• Do you jump to conclusions when someone speaks?
• Do you minimize the feelings of others or accuse them of being dramatic?
• “Give … thy servant an understanding heart” (1 Kings 3:9; see also Proverbs 18:13; Philippians 2:4; Mark 4:23–24).

Reacting Emotionally

• Do you start conflict often, even over little things?
• Do you get angry easily or name-call?
• Do you blame others when you make a mistake?
• Do you often make yourself a victim in conflict?
• Do you miss people’s true intentions because you are easily offended?
• “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1:19; see also Proverbs 15:14; 1 Corinthians 13:5, 7; Mosiah 18:21).

Avoiding Communication and Conflict

• Do you withdraw from conflict or give people the silent treatment when they upset you?
• Do you try to express your anger in subtle ways instead of being up-front and honest?
• When someone says or does something that bothers you, do you brush it off or deflect it with humor every time?
• “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32; see also Proverbs 8:7; 1 Peter 3:10).

Delivering Your Message Negatively

• Do you criticize someone’s character instead of the actions that upset you?
• Do you use ultimatums or threats while arguing?
• Do you use negative or nagging tones?
• “Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so unto them” (3 Nephi 14:12; see also Matthew 15:18; Luke 6:38; Colossians 4:6).

Seeking to Hurt Others

• Do you find yourself using manipulation, lies, or other similar tactics to try to control others?
• Do you lash out at the people you love most?
• Do you say things you don’t really mean that hurt others’ feelings?
• “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me” (3 Nephi 11:29; see also 1 Peter 2:12; 1 Corinthians 10:24; Ecclesiastes 7:9).

If you said yes to a few (or many) of these questions, keep learning and striving to improve. Building healthy communication is a process that takes time.

2. Unlearn Negative Behaviors

Many of our negative communication patterns were learned when we were young, and they can be hard to change. But acknowledging these unhealthy patterns and striving to change them is possible through practicing humility and seeking the Savior’s help. Here are a few other points to consider when seeking to improve how you interact with others.

Accept Responsibility for Your Communication

• No matter what your habits are, you can always learn new, healthier ways to communicate. You can be accountable for your actions. You can communicate in a new, “more excellent way” (1 Corinthians 12:31). It is your responsibility—and blessing—to be able to change and improve who you are.

Identify Your Triggers

• When you notice you’re communicating in an unhealthy way, reflect on what caused your poor response. In other words, recognize what your triggers are. A trigger is an event or circumstance that causes you to react emotionally. Family members, friends, or even a mental health professional can help you identify these triggers.
• When you are triggered, practicing some grounding or relaxation techniques can be helpful. Ask to take a break, practice mindfulness, or take deep breaths. Implementing techniques to work through your feelings will help you respond better.
• It’s also important to realize that many of your negative habits have more to do with your own insecurities than the people around you! When you feel insecure, “remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God” (Doctrine and Covenants 18:10). You are a child of God with tremendous worth. As you recognize your self-worth, you’ll remember to act differently when you’re faced with insecurities again.

3. Develop Good Communication Skills

Once you’re aware of which communication skills can be improved, you can start developing more effective ways to communicate. The following tips can help.

Learn about Communication

• God knows the power of good examples in our lives. That’s part of the reason He sent His Son (see John 13:15). Observing those around you who communicate well and learning from the scriptures about how the Savior interacted with others will help you see what good communication looks like. Try to practice their communication styles until it becomes natural for you.
• Talking things out with a loved one or a mental health professional can also be incredibly beneficial to helping you understand yourself better and see beyond your current perspective. They can offer insight to help you tackle your weaknesses.
• Taking a course, reading a good book, or listening to a podcast about communication can help too. There is also a list of helpful resources in the sidebar below.

Practice Positive Communication

• When communicating, carefully choose your words, tone, and body language. For example, if you’re trying to be more open-minded and understanding during an argument with someone you love, loosen tight shoulders, face the person, and allow them to speak.
• Try to be more aware of the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Ask lots of questions. Then proactively listen to them. Seek to understand their point of view before telling them what you think (or what you want them to think). Even if what they are upset about isn’t a big deal to you, it probably is to them, and it’s important to respect their feelings.
• During conflict, instead of making “you” statements (which are more combative), use “I” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You upset me because …,” try saying, “I’m upset because I feel …” Avoiding combative language will help you both feel like you’re on the same team, tackling the same problem.

Be Patient as You Try to Improve

• While the responsibility to improve is yours, remember to be patient with and kind to yourself as you keep trying to learn and become better. It will be a process that takes time! But it’s a process you can involve the Savior in (see Philippians 4:13).
• Learn from your mistakes and set specific goals to work on. Then celebrate each conversation where you are successful in at least one of your goals. Make an effort to practice these new skills, and eventually it won’t be just the behavior you’ve changed—you yourself will also be changed for the better.

It’s Worth the Effort to Change

Our relationships can bring out the best and the worst in us. But if we change our perspective to one of continuous growth, we can become more Christlike each day as we pass through the refiner’s fire.

We must remember that “there is no significant change without significant relationships.”² We wouldn’t have any reason to change without our relationships! Our relationships with loved ones and with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are one of our strongest motivators to grow. They bring joy into life! And though it may take time to change communication habits, the positive effect these changes can bring to us and our relationships is worth the effort.

My husband and I still have a lot to learn. But as we’ve tried to implement these ideas, we’ve come to understand, respect, and love each other so much more. I know that all our relationships can improve as we learn a healthier, holier, more Christlike way of communicating.

Notes

1. W. Craig Zwick, “What Are You Thinking?” Liahona, May 2014, 43.
2. Sharon Eubank, in “Humanitarian Acts Must Be Rooted in Relationship, Sharon Eubank Says,” Feb. 16, 2018, newsroom.ChurchofJesusChrist.org.