I love many things about general conference.
I love the feeling of Saints gathering together throughout the world to listen and be uplifted. I love that we believe in a prophet on the earth today who speaks to God and shares with us what we need to know to live more joyful lives. I love inspiring choirs that sound like angels singing.
But sometimes I struggle with conference. At times I have felt condemned, and at other times I have felt guilt over things I haven’t done or am not doing or could be doing better.
And sometimes I just struggle with what is said.
I think of a conference during which I had a very physical and negative reaction to some of the sentiments in a few talks. My heart and mind said, “I’m not sure how I feel or think about that particular sentiment.”
I didn’t feel comfortable. It didn’t sit well with me.
In my notes I wrote, “I need to examine why I felt the way I did … why did I react this way?”
Perhaps it was the topic or maybe just my heart. Perhaps it was something I didn’t quite understand or needed to study further.
I thought about it through the rest of the conference. I’ve thought about it since. I still don’t have a conclusion or an answer, and I don’t entirely feel settled.
Sometimes I think we may feel that because we believe in the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, all things should be easy for us to accept. So when we hear or see things that don’t make sense to us or that don’t feel the same way for us that the rest of the gospel does, I think we’re sometimes inclined to doubt it all. To throw it away. To leave.
But I believe Christ invites us to come and stay anyway, no matter where we are.
In the book of Mark, a multitude surrounded the disciples. Christ came among them, and a father stepped forward to tell the Savior of his son—a son who, when they brought him, “fell on the ground, and wallowed foaming.” The disciples could not heal him, and the father begged the Savior, “If thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us.”
The Savior then asked the father to believe. The father “straightway”—immediately—cried out. With tears he said, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”
And the Savior healed the man’s son. (See Mark 9:16–27.)
In the Book of Mormon, we read about Nephi. Often hailed as our faithful hero—and he is!—he too had times when he did not understand. As he heard about the visions and beliefs of his father, he too wondered. He cried unto the Lord for understanding. “And behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe” (1 Nephi 2:16; emphasis added). He needed time. And his heart needed softening before he could believe.
Even with that faith, when Nephi was shown a heavenly vision, he did not have all the answers. He saw Mary, the mother of the Christ child. When asked about his understanding of the Savior’s mission, he simply replied, “I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things” (1 Nephi 11:17).
Even after softening his heart and learning to believe, Nephi did not understand everything.
While we long to understand every message and every word we receive from the prophets and from the scriptures, at times there may be things that are jarring, confusing, or even hard to believe in.
As President James E. Faust taught: “To all those with lingering doubts and questions, there are ways to help your unbelief. In the process of accepting and rejecting information in the search for light, truth, and knowledge, almost everyone has—at one time or another—some private questions. That is part of the learning process. … To those who believe but wish their belief to be strengthened, I urge you to walk in faith and trust in God. Spiritual knowledge always requires an exercise of faith” (“Lord, I Believe; Help Thou Mine Unbelief,” Oct. 2003 general conference).
Many times I have prayed to have my heart softened, and it has been softened. Sometimes I have chosen to let my faith lead me, and other times I have just asked for the mercy of Christ to let me come to Him anyway. While I don’t understand all things, I do believe I am a daughter of heavenly parents. And I believe in Christ and His invitation to come unto Him. He can help me with my unbelief.