Those who mourn need time to grieve their losses, and they also need supportive friends and family to be with them through that experience. As we minister to those who mourn, we can follow the example of the Savior by loving, listening, and showing compassion.
We can help to “bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; yea, and . . . mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:8–9).
Principles for Helping Someone Who’s Grieving
It can be difficult to know what to say or do around someone who has lost a loved one, is going through a hard time, or is experiencing loss in other ways. Below are some guiding principles for ministering to those struggling with grief. (See Counseling Resources for Grief.)
1. Seek to Understand Grief and Loss
As you help someone experiencing loss, remember each person is unique and will grieve differently and on a different timetable. Understanding general principles of grief and loss will help you better support them through that process.
Even if you say all the right things, the person may still feel upset. Being hurt and upset is a natural part of grief. The best thing you can do is to show up, listen, offer love and kindness, and trust that the Savior can heal their wounds and ease their burdens.
Learn more about the journey through grief from others’ experiences:
2. Love and Listen
As you minister to someone struggling with grief, show love first and foremost. Statements like this may help you communicate love and empathy (see Counseling Resources):
- “I don’t know what to say, and I care about you.”
- “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, and I’m here to listen if you do.”
- “It’s OK to have different feelings from one day, or one moment, to the next. There’s no one right way to feel. Just let yourself experience emotions as they come.”
- “I’m really sorry you have to go through this.”
Talking isn’t the only way to help. If you listen and let the person express his or her feelings, the gesture will often be well received and beneficial. Simply sitting with the individual is a nonverbal way of communicating support. Sometimes, just listening might be difficult because you may feel you aren’t doing enough to fix the pain, but listening itself is a helpful and supportive action.
See how friends and families supported Troy and his family with love after the loss of their son:
3. What to Say to Someone Who’s Lost a Loved One
Remember to be sensitive when talking to others who are grieving. Some well-intended statements may not be perceived as beneficial. The following examples in the left column may be more hurtful than helpful, and the examples in the right column could be helpful and supportive phrases:
Not Helpful | Helpful |
“It’s part of God’s plan.”
| “I don’t know what to say other than to let you know you’re loved by many, including me.” |
“Just have faith, everything will work out.”
| “I don’t know what to say right now, but I’m so glad you told me.” |
“At least …” (“At least they didn’t suffer,” “At least you can date other people now,” “At least now you can find a job you actually like,” and so on).
| “Tell me about what you’re feeling right now,” or “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, and I’m here to listen if you do.” |
“He [or she] is in a better place.”
| “It’s okay to feel this way.” |
“I know exactly how you feel.”
| “It’s OK to have different feelings from one day, or one moment, to the next. There’s no one right way to feel. Just let yourself experience emotions as they come.” |
| “You should serve more.” | “What would be the most helpful for you right now? Would you want to ___? We can do it together.” |
| “Things will get better with time.” | “I’m here for you,” or “I care about you.” |
| “You should...” or “You will...” | “I’m so sorry you have to go through this.” |
Let the grieving person know through your words and actions that you’re thinking of him or her. Reaching out can be as simple as sending a text or spending time with them in simple ways like going on a walk, eating a meal together, or talking on the phone.
4. Ask Open-Ended Questions
As you minister to someone struggling with grief, consider asking questions like the ones below in a kind and loving manner to help you understand the person’s concerns, needs, and circumstances:
- How are you coping?
- What have you noticed sets apart your better days from the difficult ones?
- Where do you go for emotional support?
- What specific things have people said or done that have helped you? What hasn’t been helpful?
- When you are in a place to share, I would love to hear a story.
You can use the information the person gives you to know how to better support them.
5. Remember That Everyone Grieves Differently
Help the person recognize that everyone grieves in their own way. There is no single way to handle loss, and everyone will respond differently. Try to help the person understand their feelings rather than feel guilt for feeling or not feeling a certain way.
“As you communicate with them, don’t react. As individuals go through the emotional stages of grief, they may say or do things that are out of character. Be patient and recognize that such behaviors often indicate where the person is in the grieving process” (Counseling Resources: Grief and Loss).
Since everyone grieves differently, the process may take quite some time. The person may still be grieving even months or years after their loss. Make sure to check in with the person regularly and avoid assuming that the person has moved on.
Hear stories from families and individuals of how they learned to cope with their grief:
Additional Resources
For more ways to help others dealing with grief, view the following resources: