I felt like I was probably more sad than I should have been, around 14 years old, and couldn't really pinpoint it, didn't know really what the cause was. I felt a little alone sometimes and didn't know how to tell anybody.

I had some sexual abuse in my later teenage years.

I felt like that really deepened the alone sadness. But I still didn't really know or recognize, I guess, till I'd already been married and had three kids and a great husband. And I felt like everything was going fine, and why didn't I feel happy? What was wrong with me? I just felt like I was in a big, dark hole and unable to find a way out.

I never felt like I needed to talk about it or that I wanted to talk about it. And I didn't ever know how much that would affect my feelings and my marriage and so many things down the road. I thought I could just push it aside and forget it, and it wouldn't be a big deal. Clearly, that didn't work. I think it wasn't until seven years of marriage and three kids that I finally realized that I couldn't keep living like this, in a place that was so dark and lonely.

I didn't know how to shake out of it and move on and figure out what was at the bottom of it. I didn't know how. I felt very lost. And it was a very big shock to my husband for sure. It was definitely hidden to everyone but me. I felt it, obviously, daily. I blamed myself for many things for many years. And in some ways I still do, and it's something I still struggle with. I did feel very afraid that if people found out that I wasn't as perfect as I seemed, that they might view me differently, definitely.

I remember talking to a Young Women leader and thanking her for helping me through some difficult times. And she said to me, "What difficult times? Didn't seem like you had any difficult times." And I feel like I put that persona forward so much that I was afraid to take it off. I was afraid to have people see me as somebody who had had real struggles and not what I had been portraying for so many years. It was scary. I think I was just afraid of how they would view me or treat me, if that would change friendships, if that would change even just how my husband saw me or my children.

Very afraid to allow anybody to see something that I had hid for so long. I'm sure it was the shame. After my first encounter with sexual abuse, I was so ashamed. I'm sure the fear just came on so strong that said, "I don't want anyone to ever know what really happened or what's really deep inside me," and up went that wall. I was definitely afraid to go even to the Savior. I felt like all those lessons were about me needing to repent or change or, just, I don't know, just change. Just be happy. Just move on. There were definitely times I felt the Spirit, but I did struggle with wondering if Heavenly Father ever really loved me and if Jesus really loved me.

And it was lots of years of feeling guilty, and feeling ashamed and unclean, and feeling afraid to even turn to the Savior.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me. And I know that Christ can heal anything.

I participated in a sexual abuse recovery group. And since then I've come back to volunteer to help the women who might feel just as lost as I did. And that's been a big part of my healing, is giving back. And if I can be an advocate for somebody else to find out if Christ really loves them, then that's where I want to be. And so that's what I strive to be each day, is somebody who can look at anybody on the street and say, "No matter what their problems are, I feel like I love them as much as Heavenly Father could, because I have felt that love for me." Nothing is possible without the Atonement. It's all-encompassing. It has saved my life. Christ has paid for my sorrows, for my sins, for my pains, for my loneliness.

Everything is encompassed in the Atonement. And Christ want us to utilize it for more than sin. I know that. I know He wants us to utilize it for our feelings, for our pains, our sorrows, our sadness. He suffered everything so He could feel everything. So He's felt everything, not just my struggles, but everyone's struggles. Some days are still hard, but I feel like I'm a big work in progress, because I can more clearly see now that there were a lot of things that weren't my fault and some things out of my control. And Heavenly Father knows, and it's OK.

My testimony of Jesus Christ is very real. It's something that I count as a tangible thing, that when I'm wondering or struggling, it's something that now I can turn to and I can feel warmth. I can feel hope. I can feel love. Most especially, I find hope through utilizing the Atonement, daily prayer and service, and helping to find people who need to find that love, to be able to feel that love, to pull them out of that part of their life that's so dark that they can't face the next day.

My advice to anybody struggling with something internal is to get help. Talk about it. I think the biggest tool of Satan is isolation and loneliness. And I think when you live in that darkness inside yourself, which I understand and know, it's hard to see any hope and any light. And I think if you can open up--and I know it's a scary step, but if you can open up and share those feelings, that kind of cracks the surface; that allows the light to come in and the hope to come in. Even if you're not ready or know yet that Christ loves you, find somebody that you can trust, that you can confide in. Then eventually it will lead you to Christ, because these are people on His earth that are His servants, that are doing His work, that are leading you to Him.

I'm working on it. My husband's a lot more in the loop now, and I am continually blown away at the amount of sacrifice he has made on my part and the support and how willing he is to look past everything, love me for who I am, and support me and help me move forward. I have found that people genuinely want to give the love that the Savior gives and receive the love that the Savior gives. I'm just ready to move forward and find that hope and peace. And I strive to do that every day.