I was so angry. And I was so angry with God. I was blaming God, you know? "Why are you doing this to me? Why is my husband having this addiction? Why can't we be a normal couple and marriage and family?" It's not something that you're prepared for. It's not something that your parents teach you. So when you experience it, you feel so alone. And you feel like you can't talk about it because you're so ashamed. You feel like it's your fault. You feel so many things. I would still go to church, but that was all I was doing. I was just going to church. I was not at church emotionally. [MUSIC PLAYING]

I had an amazing bishop, one that was not unfamiliar with loving and supporting somebody who had been through this. The love and understanding that he showed to me was incredible. He knew that I needed help. He knew that this wasn't just about fixing the addiction or stopping the addiction. It was about healing the trauma that we both had experienced. And what I loved about him so much is that he loved and cared for both of us, my ex-husband and I, and wanted the best for both of us individually. And that was important for me to see, that although so much change had been happening, that I was able to be supported by somebody. And also, I think a lot of people don't realize the pain that's associated with this and that women can be experiencing PTSD and they can go through depression and they can have all of these things that come up. And any trauma that they've experienced maybe previously in their life can boil up and come to life in this other trauma that's coming to pass, too. So I loved that I was understood. One of the things that can be really helpful for a spouse who's experiencing betrayal trauma is to learn that this is actually quite a common response to learning about a pornography problem, about a spouse's problem with pornography. And to learn about that--to learn that she is not alone, that it is a common reaction, so that her experience is normalized--can be really helpful. It's important for wives to get support as they go through this process with their husbands. And knowing who would be a good and safe person to talk to is really important. A wife can often benefit by counseling with her bishop and then also by prayerfully considering one or two or several trusted friends who have good judgment, who don't jump to conclusions, who are wise, who care about her well-being, and who can offer good insight and counsel and keep confidences. And she might also benefit from attending a group. There are many groups that are available for spouses of people with pornography problems. Many women find that the support that they receive there can be helpful for them as well. Other people find that groups may not meet their particular needs. But being prayerful and finding people that they can trust and who have good judgment is really important. I know a lot of women who did absolutely everything they knew how to do their entire life. I think I tried to do that. I tried to make a decision based on, "I'm striving to be a good girl, and if I strive to be a good girl, I will have these blessings, right? And that means that my life will move--and I'll have the white picket fence." I really thought I would. And then, discovering 13 years down the road that he came in with a lie--like, "Really? I really sacrificed some things, and this is what I got?" My favorite scripture, from the time I was 18, was "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." That was my favorite scripture. I got married a couple of years later. It continued to be. But then it feels like the rug's pulled out from underneath you.

But what I have seen in the decades, and especially in the last 11 years since I've actively worked recovery, is that He didn't pull the rug out from underneath me.

He caught me because I was going to go through hard things. And we all do. And He said, "I'll help you through this." And He has. But for women who feel like the rug's been pulled out and they cannot trust God, we can start anew, because He's always there. He's always there. So in 2012 I ran the Newport, Oregon, marathon. And because it's a really small marathon, my husband, who is a cyclist, was able to bring his bike and support me all throughout the course. About mile 16, I hit the turnaround point, and I recognized I had to go all the way back. And all of sudden, things got a lot harder. At about mile 20, there was this huge headwind that just hit. And it didn't feel like I could go any further. I felt like I was stopped in my tracks. And before I knew it, my husband swooped right in in front of me on his bike, and he was buffering the wind for me. And when I gained enough strength, mentally and physically, to do it again, he rode off, because it wasn't his race. It was mine. And it dawned on me that this is exactly how the Savior treats us. He can't change the terrain. He can't change the course. He doesn't make it so the work goes away. What He does is, He rides right in front of us to buffer us from the wind. Well, no one gets married or gets into a marriage, and nobody pursues life, planning on a problem. Nobody wants to assume that they're going to run into a barrier and face an obstacle that they hadn't anticipated, that wasn't part of their dream. This happens to be pornography. But it could be other things. But the point is that we face what we have to face, and we endure. Endurance is one of the principles of the gospel. And sometimes it just means squaring our shoulders and stiffening our back and staying with it. Each individual will know what that means in a given marriage, in a given relationship. I'm not saying you just--no one should be a doormat in such a relationship. But as far as persisting and trying and believing and hoping, those are Christian virtues and really Christian commandments. So we have to keep trying to do that. And there's a lot of company for people who run into obstacles and challenges in life that they did not plan on. I weep for someone, I weep for a spouse, who is told that his or her partner has a pornography problem or any problem. Through it all, I think we just stay close to the Lord and keep gospel principles first and foremost in our lives, keep love in our heart. And then in each case, I think, a person will know what they can do about it. I'm not suggesting easy answers or to sort of be oblivious to the fact that this is a wrenching, rending, terribly piercing problem. Each person will have to get counsel and pray and work through that. But it's the working through that I'd like to hold to and hope for, and not have people give up, not have people think that there isn't help, that there aren't answers, or that this is so hopeless. We can't live without hope. Everybody has to have hope. [MUSIC PLAYING]