I think in the beginning, when he would tell me that he had relapsed or watched pornography, for the first couple of years, it was denial. Like, it hurt my feelings, but I just wanted to push it aside. I just didn't want that to affect us and how happy we were. I kind of lost myself as an individual. It's not that it wasn't a problem in my life, but I was completely incorrectly prioritizing it.

When someone's experiencing betrayal trauma, it is exhausting on every level. It is overwhelming. And yet life goes on. All of our other roles as parents or in professions, whatever it may be--those continue when these things happen. And so it's critical to take good care of yourselves, to perhaps simplify life in any way that you can, to offload things that may not be crucial and essential at that point in time. I think self-care is so important because often they have had this betrayal by their spouse, but they also feel like they need to fix everything and make sure the whole home is going well. And the first thing they give up is self-care. Well, for some time now, we have understood that there are four key components to healing in addiction: biological, psychological, social, and also spiritual. So there's been long-standing appreciation for those four components. And so what that looks like is spending time taking care of herself. And these are just doing some basic things--making sure she's getting enough sleep, making sure she's taking care of nutrition, making sure that she's connecting, that she's got good social connections and good support that way, that she's exercising, that she's spending time doing those things that fill her up, that replenish her. I think a lot of times people with betrayal trauma, just like people who use pornography, isolate. So they don't get that social support. Maybe they don't go walking with a friend, or they cut out not-important activities, thinking they need to focus on the problem. For me, I thought, "I have to do something. I have to control his behavior. You know, I have to--this is how I will contribute, is force him to be righteous. That should work, right? That's a good plan." Someone else had that plan before. It didn't actually work out, you know? This issue of pornography became the focus of my life. It wasn't my pornography addiction, but I was preoccupied with it. And everything I was doing was in reaction to it. If we are focused on solving their problems, we're not having to change ourselves. Wives often put themselves on the back burner when their husbands have a pornography problem, and they might neglect to care for themselves. But they need support just as much as their husbands do. And knowing who would be a good and safe person to talk to is really important. A wife can often benefit by counseling with her bishop, and then also by prayerfully considering one or two or several trusted friends who have good judgment, who don't jump to conclusions, who are wise, who care about her well-being, and who can offer good insight and counsel and keep confidences. And she might also benefit from attending a group. There are many groups that are available for spouses of people with pornography problems. Many women find that the support that they receive there can be helpful for them as well. A really sensitive topic that's part of the healing process, especially for spouses, is the topic of forgiveness. And my observation has been that most feel pressured--from others, from themselves, from their spouse--to forgive. I view forgiveness as an essential spiritual gift and act, but it really takes time. It takes time. These betrayals are deep. The recovery takes a long time. I encourage leaders, I encourage family and friends and those struggling themselves, to honor the pace of the forgiving process, including the choice not to forgive, as a very personal, intimate decision and process that is really between Heavenly Father and that person. With all the energy of my soul, if I had the capacity, I would love to be able to somehow convey to every single member of this Church that the Savior's atoning sacrifice is for every single member of this Church. It is real. It is a tangible thing. And it's the only way that we can press forward joyfully. Pressing forward can be a bit of a chore if we think we have to do it alone. But if we know that we have His help, then it's joyful to press forward.