I was terrified. There were things that I was scared of doing alone because I didn't feel like I was capable. I had been trained that I wasn't capable. I completely lost sight of myself as an individual. And when you don't know who you are as an individual, you don't--your self-esteem tanks because you don't even know who you are. [MUSIC PLAYING]

Wives often put themselves on the back burner when their husbands have a pornography problem, and they might neglect care for themselves. But they need support just as much as their husbands do. And oftentimes the attention goes to the husband. He might be going to a therapist. He might be meeting regularly with his bishop. But meanwhile, the wife is going through her own process. So it's very important that she recognize that, and it's helpful that those around her recognize that as well--that she can greatly benefit by meeting with the bishop, by having key support people, and by doing things that benefit her and engaging in good, healthy practices of self-care. So one of the most important things I did was, I had to go back to the basics of who I am. Who is Amy? I had to figure out what I liked. Who was I, as a person? Not as a mom. Not as a wife. Not as a pornography--the wife of a pornography addict. But who am I, as a person? And so it started out with little things, like I started taking piano lessons again and I started running. Things that didn't seem to be related to anything that was going on in my life, but it was kind of a relief. I could--for those 20 minutes or that half hour, I felt like a person. It was my 30th birthday, so I went and had a photo shoot done for myself. And when I got those pictures back, I looked at them and I just bawled because I was like, "The person in those pictures, she's beautiful, and she's happy, and she's strong. And she's somebody." I have gotten to a point in my recovery where, although it's sad and there is pain and hurt, I'm OK. For the past year and a half, actually, I've been able to live in peace and serenity and joy, even, because I am doing what I need to do for me regardless of whether my husband recovers or not. It's OK some days to go, "I'm tired. Oh, maybe I need some self-care." I do things on a daily basis to help me feel fulfilled spiritually, emotionally, socially, mentally. All of our other roles as parents or in professions, whatever it may be--those continue when these things happen. And so it's critical to take good care of yourselves, to perhaps simplify life in any way that you can. You also need to do everything you can to be physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually in tune and grounded--to be able to, in a clear-headed way, navigate the myriad of decisions that are in front of you. And because addiction can affect so many areas of one's life, there's usually a lot of boundaries that need to be identified and put in place. We have to learn how to identify what our boundaries are and what a boundary is. It's a limit. It's a limit about what we can do, what we cannot do, what we are willing to do and not willing to do, what we can cope with, and what we cannot cope with. And learning to identify those and communicate those assertively and in healthy and appropriate ways so that an addict understands things have to change: "This can no longer go on the way that it is." And I think boundaries are so critical, too, because very often there are safety issues. Genuine, legitimate safety issues. And so the boundary work, it fosters safety. It prevents further damage in many cases. And we need to be able to be in a safe setting, know that we are secure, to allow our nervous system a chance to organize and sort through what has happened and to be able to figure out how to proceed from that. You know, we have to find some quiet time. The Lord said, "Be still, and know that I am God." I think in this chaotic world we're living in and all the things that can distract us, it's--we make a mistake not to find some quiet time and just think about my own life. I must understand who I really am. And that is that I'm not just someone who's married to this guy. I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father, who loves me. And I want to express that love back to Him. And that connection with my Father in Heaven and with my Savior is my first priority. And when I make it my first priority, I will be safe. If I were to give advice to somebody that was first learning of the betrayal trauma or first learning of addiction or first learning of anything traumatic in their lives like that, I would encourage them to listen to all of the cliche things that they're being told by so many other people: that they are strong, that they can handle this, that God has not neglected you.

But if you push through this with perfect faith, that you will come out of it--that you will. And you will be cared for, and you will be nurtured.