There were several times where I just got caught or I just got in trouble, or even some nights where I just knew I needed to stop or wanted to stop--where I would pray. And I even went several months fasting, just, "Heavenly Father, take this burden away from me. You've raised people from the dead. You've cured people of leprosy. And you've done so many miracles, and all they had to do was have faith. Well, I know you can do it, so please do it." [MUSIC PLAYING]

And I'd just pray that God would just take it away, just fix my brain, because I felt like I ruined my brain somehow. And every time I would indulge in pornography, I would feel that shame and that guilt and kneel down and pray and say, "I don't want to do this. Please help me." I was begging God, quietly, secretly. I was thinking, "God, please, here we are again. This is years and years and years. Can we do something about this? I'll do whatever. I'll become a vegan, whatever." I prayed like crazy. I'm asking God, "Hey, I know this isn't cool, but could you just take it away from me? Just help me get this under control?" It's not about God's ability to take away the problem. It's about whether that's in His character or not. And the fact of the matter is that God is a relational God, so He likes to walk out a process with us relationally. If He just zapped our problems, that would not happen. What I wanted to do is, I wanted to keep my totally unbalanced lifestyle. I wanted to keep my broken self-image, this idea of myself that I wasn't good enough--that if people really knew me, they couldn't love me. And I wanted God to take this thing away from me. In the moment, you just want relief from the struggle. You don't want to be controlled by anything. But in God's wisdom and in His vision, He sees so much more. Had I not taken His path or had I ignored where He was leading all along, then I don't think that it would have been nearly the story or the testimony that my story is today. The whole word recovery, to me, is about going back and finding something that was lost. And that's what they do. They go back and find the old them, but with a newer expression, with more insight, more maturity, more experience. They're more real emotionally, and so they make better husbands. They make better fathers. But they earn it. It takes a lot of work. It's not something that they just get after a few months. It's something that they earn over years. I wish there was a magic bullet, that silver bullet, that I could say, "Yeah, this is how you finally reach that point." But there wasn't. It was just being able to grow personally and humble myself and realize that it's OK to be human, but it's not OK to lie to your wife about it. It's not OK to lie to those that love you the most. I didn't know, for the longest time, there was more than just stopping. God can heal your heart. He's healing my heart. Jesus Christ suffered for this so that I could go through it, so that I could learn and grow and become the man that I'm supposed to be because of it. That's part of Him forgiving, is "OK, yes, you've made this mistake. And this is something so ugly and so dark, but I am going to take this and I am going to use it if you just let me have it. I'm going to forgive you so much that we're going to turn around--we're going to use this for good somehow." I don't think that it's just abstinence from acting out with pornography that God is after. I think He's after a total transformation of the life and a reorientation of the life. I don't want you to just stop doing the bad stuff. I want you to begin to really embrace the beautiful stuff and begin to do life in such a way that brings Him glory and that brings authentic joy. I learned how to take responsibility for my own actions, and I've learned how to ask for help when I need it. And I wouldn't say that I'm there yet. I wouldn't say that I've arrived. But I know where I'm supposed to be. I know where I'm supposed to be going. This is a journey that takes time and takes effort, and it isn't going to happen for you in three weeks. It's going to happen for you as you live your life of recovery.