I had set some goals that I was trying to stop looking at it, and I was doing OK. But again, I was trying to do it on my own. And I don't know why I didn't learn my lesson before that. It never worked. Every time I indulged in looking at pornography, I would pray and say, "I'm done. I'm not going to do it again." And that was never the case. I never wanted my wife to find out. Never ever, ever, ever. In fact, I wanted to be able to solve the problem on my own and that she'd never have to go through that pain of knowing. I always have these milestones in my head. "When I go on my mission, I'm going to stop. When I get married in the temple, it's really going to be over." [MUSIC PLAYING] It was always the next milestone. "I can change this on my own, and I'll stop the behavior and just go on with my life." And that didn't happen.

The adversary advocates hiding and removing themselves from God's presence, from the presence of people that they love. But it's basically--if we take a look at the story of Genesis, that it's God who summons Adam and Eve forward and says, "Come out of hiding. Let's talk." You have to let someone else know. You have to lose the anonymity. But that was very risky. You can't just walk up in the church and say, "I got a porn problem." That doesn't happen. That doesn't work. Lies and secrecy keep you, of course, in this prison, but not only a prison that you're just stuck in, but one that is going to put you to death. There is a way out. That way out is through speaking the truth. As much as I didn't want to tell my husband and I didn't want to tell other people, once I finally told the truth and exposed all of that, it's like part of that chain just broke off of me. There's freedom in just being honest. I decided to get honest. And in doing so, I discovered that all of these lies that I had been told from the dark side about, "If you get honest, you're going to lose"--I discovered that that was not true. There were consequences, but those consequences didn't mean you're going to lose everything. It means that you're going to have work to do. When Ryan told me that he struggled with pornography or that he was in recovery for it, I felt, like, this great feeling of peace because I knew he was being honest with me. And I thought that was a huge, important quality in somebody I wanted to marry. It's the greatest hope of anyone struggling with this--"Can I do this alone? Do I really have to tell someone about it?" I think that misses the joy and the beauty of healing, because we're made to be communal people. Just telling somebody is huge. I had no idea that it could be like this. And I just wish I could take that out of my heart and give it to someone so they know how much hope is out there, because there is so much hope on the other side.