I always have these milestones in my head that, "OK, when I go on my mission, I'm going to stop. OK, when I get married in the temple, I mean, it's really going to be over." It was always the next milestone. But I was now married, and I hadn't resolved this problem. And my wife didn't know about it. And then eventually, I was a father, and my wife still didn't know about me having this pornography addiction or problem. There was one time her mom talked about--they had a neighbor that the husband had a pornography addiction, and they had a second mortgage out on their home. And she was leaving him because he just couldn't get it under control. And Amy's just like, "Oh, man, I'm so glad--like, if I ever did that, I would be gone in a second." I would work really hard not to give those red flags. I would do everything I can so that she didn't have a clue, because it really was the biggest fear in my life. I mean, I didn't want to lose her. I didn't want to lose my daughters.

I wish there was a magic bullet, that silver bullet, that I could say, "Yeah, this is how you finally reach that point," but there wasn't. It was just being able to grow personally and humble myself and realize that it was more important that I wasn't hiding from this than what people thought or what people understood. And that trade-off, it took me 10 years to get to. I was mad and sad and every emotion you can literally think of except for the good ones, like happy and smiling. But it was very difficult. And I remember, just that night, not knowing what to do. Not knowing if I should change in front of him, if I should sleep in the same bed as him, if I should--what I should do. I remember I just went out in the car and sobbed. The next few days were very rough on me, and I cried a lot. And I quickly realized that I couldn't live like this and that I wasn't going to live like this. And I did consider, that night and those first few days, of leaving and leaving permanently. But I decided that that was not an option for me. Every night, I would say--for weeks, it felt like--we would discuss this addiction and discuss the severities of it and what had happened and what hadn't happened. And I realized that I could deal with this and that it was going to be OK and that he could overcome this and that I had to help him. And I also had to help myself. And the weirdest thing is, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's the best thing I've ever done. I had prayed for that moment my whole life, to be able to be open about it and share with someone that's close to me about it. The biggest thing was kind of how I mentioned, is confiding in someone that was that close to me. And then I begin to think, you know, "Who could I trust? Who could I turn to? Who could I confess this to?" And I thought of one dear mentor friend of mine, and he lived in the area. And so I got on the phone, and I called him. It was right there that I just sort of said, "Hey, this has been my struggle. The internet, pornography, masturbation, this is--man, I'm in trouble here." I started journaling. And boy, I tell you that having just that experience of being able to speak the truth on paper was so helpful because I realized that I am able to speak the truth. I had told, in college, one of my closest, best friends, and she was extremely understanding. And I ended up telling one of my roommates about it. I always thought, "If someone's ever going to marry me, I want her to marry me for both sides of me: the good side, the happy Kastle that everyone knows, and also the side of me that's maybe not so pretty." But she just stopped me in the middle of it, and she said, "I just want you to know that no matter what you're trying to tell me or what you want to tell me, I have a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And no matter what it was in your past or what it is, the Atonement has covered it." And that was what finally gave me the courage and strength to take the last step. There is always hope because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. But it's a long and painful process of repentance and all the steps of repentance that we're familiar with, including confessing, and to detach from it gradually, firmly, and decisively, and to get the help that's needed--help from family members, help from the profession, help from the bishop. And just know, at the beginning of such a long and painful process, that it is possible. And the Lord will help you, and so will His servants. Be patient with yourself. Don't feel destroyed if you fall back. This kind of process is typically an experience of two steps forward and one step back. But keep working on those two steps forward. It is possible. [MUSIC PLAYING]