I know the first time that my husband came to me, I was clueless. Thirteen years of marriage--no idea. So when he told me, just the two of us in the car, I went into shock. I had no idea of what I was dealing with.

One of the reasons why boundary work is so essential to partner healing is that an addiction is a disease of no boundaries. And so to respond to that, we have to learn how to identify what our boundaries are. And what a boundary is, it's a limit. It's a limit about what we can do, what we cannot do, what we can cope with, and what we cannot cope with. And learning to identify those and communicate those assertively and in healthy and appropriate ways so that an addict understands things have to change--"This can no longer go on the way that it is." When I work with people dealing with this, we really talk about how effective boundaries are rooted in genuine needs and safety. And when a person is able to identify safety needs, limits, and it's coming from a motivation of healing and safety rather than punishment or a way to get back--that's when they can be helpful for both parties and the family at large. I'm striving to have a healthy, spiritually based boundary. For my husband and I, it's if he has a lust trigger and doesn't resolve it with his sponsor and with me within 24 hours, he sleeps separate. That's hard for us because we like to be together. And it's not a punishment because we made that boundary together. But it helps me to remember that certain things are not right, and it helps him to remember that as well. If someone has had financial betrayal as part of the acting out, it's important to place financial limits and boundaries. That may be separate accounts. That may be a postnuptial agreement that makes it very legally clear and adds legal protection around money and assets, things like that. But the boundary work is essential. I don't know how we could do partner recovery work without it. It's really that fundamental piece. I must understand who I really am, and that is that I'm not someone who's married to this guy. I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father, who loves me, and I want to express that love back to Him. And that connection with my Father in Heaven and with my Savior is my first priority. And when I make it my first priority, I will be safe. Some of the feelings of betrayal and confusion and "less than" and maybe being forgotten by Heavenly Father--these are very common, common feelings. But know for a surety that our Father in Heaven and our Savior know what we are going through. It does take tremendous effort on our part to exercise that great faith and to go to our Father in Heaven and to trust that He will help us. He will find ways. Individuals are not at fault for those things that have been committed against them. And--but we need to know that Heavenly Father knows that. He will not abandon us. Our Savior will not abandon us.