Welcome to our digital mini BYU Women's Conference. My name is Sandra Rogers, Chair of this year's conference. Wherever you are, I'm grateful to have you with us. And I'm delighted to introduce the speakers for this session. David J. and Maria Luisa Torres will share with us their thoughts on the topic, "Taking Time to Talk, Communication in Marriage." David's family has been in the Salt Lake Valley for over 100 years. He earned degrees from Utah State University and the University of Utah and has been an educator in the Jordan and Granite School Districts. He served with his wife, sister Maria Luisa Torres, as the mission president of the Guatemala City, Guatemala North Mission, and is currently in the bishopric of the Rio Vista Spanish-Speaking YSA Ward. He and Sister Torres have five children and 16 grandchildren. Maria Louisa was raised in California. She received a bachelor's degree from the University of Utah. She has served as stake Primary and stake Relief Society president, and as a former member of the Relief Society General Board. She was a member of the Hispanic Initiative Committee and currently serves in the Rio Vista Spanish-Speaking YSA Ward. I invite you to read more about Brother and Sister Torres on our Women's Conference website. We appreciate their preparation and know that you will enjoy their message.

In 2007, my husband was called as president to preside over the mission in Guatemala. The realization that we would be called for three years to leave our home, our family, and especially our grandchildren seemed overwhelming to me at the time. My husband, in an effort to best prepare for our new assignment, contacted the soon-to-be-released mission president. And that president was thoughtful enough to help orient us by providing us with a mission itinerary for the week of our arrival so we could hit the ground running. After reading through the itinerary, we learned of round-the-clock meetings, traveling long distances on jungle roads, providing seven-hour trainings, interviewing over 200 missionaries, and a long list of ecclesiastical responsibilities. It all seems so extremely overwhelming to me. This also served to augment my feelings of extreme inadequacy and lack of self-confidence. I was in this state of mind when I tearfully went to speak to my husband. I poured out my heart to him, telling him about my logic as to why we couldn't possibly meet all the expectations that would be required of us. I told him how unprepared and unqualified I felt to meet such a huge assignment. I also reviewed to him the unresolved issues we had at home with our family and how our leaving would surely aggravate the situations. I remember the tender way my husband looked at me. Perhaps he was mirroring my very same feelings. I could feel the empathy in his gaze. When he could tell that I had finally reached the end of my rant, he responded calmly by saying, "All that you've said is correct. This is a very challenging calling, and it will be difficult for us to leave at this time. But the Lord has called us, so he will see to it that we succeed. "This is His work. He will help us. We just need to take it one day at a time." He took me into his arms and just held me. At that instant, I was comforted, and I knew it was going to be OK. So then, I started to pack. We find a similar story in the Book of Mormon. In First Nephi, chapter 5 we read that Sariah had similar anxiety issues to mine. Her husband listens to her complaint. He acknowledges her views and logic, and then he reaffirms his steadfastness in the revelations he has received. He testifies of the source and reassurance of their deliverance. And then in beautiful conclusion to this scene, we read Nephi's words about his parents resolve. And after this manner of language did my father Lehi comfort my mother Sariah. I have learned in my 45 years of marriage that the way you communicate with your spouse has an effect upon your heart, as well as your mind. Indeed, it can determine your entire outlook on life itself. The manner in which you communicate with each other can determine how you will resolve conflict, forge deep emotional connections, and strengthen the bonds of your marital relationship. Elder Marvin Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught, "Communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions and concerns. It is a sharing of oneself totally." We all know that there are different types of communication in a marriage. There is a superficial mode of communication that is used in daily life to convey schedules, responsibilities during the day, weather, et cetera. Though this type of communication is necessary and needs to be clear so that our days run smoothly, it does not foster deep connections or bonding with our spouse. Another form of communication is the personal type. This is where beliefs, interest, passions, dreams, and goals are expressed. This is a type of communication that is usually conveyed during courtship. When this type of communication is expressed within a marriage, each other's personal expressions should be valued and respected as our own. These thoughts should also be treated with great confidentiality when necessary. An additional level of communication is one that the Prophet Joseph Smith shared in counsel with the sisters during the first days of the Relief Society in Nauvoo. At that time, the prophet was concerned about the relationship and communication between husbands and wives, perhaps because of some of the things he witnessed as new members of the Church navigated the challenges of establishing the restored gospel, as well as a new settlement. He said, quote, "Let this society teach how to act towards husbands, to treat them with mildness and affection. When a man is borne down with trouble, when he is perplexed, if he can meet a smile, not an argument, if he can meet with mildness, it will calm down his soul and soothe his feelings. When the mind is going to despair, it needs a solace. When you go home, never give a cross word, but let kindness, charity, and love crown your works," close quote. This form of communication in our day is known as communication that validates. It is a type of communication that edifies, nurtures, praises, consoles, soothes, comforts, and sustains us, especially in difficulties and challenging times of trouble. This is what my husband and the prophet Lehi did when they found that their wives were in great distress. It does not matter whether that distress is real or merely perceived to be real. This type of communication can be like fertilizer to the marriage plant. It will cause the plant to grow abundantly, putting down deep roots. Without it, marriage could be in danger of dying and withering away. This type of communication is what my husband conveyed to me when we were first married as newlyweds and I was trying my not-so-expert cooking skills. I attempted to cook for him a pot of chili beans. My husband loves chili beans. I did not tell him that I had substituted two teaspoons of chili powder that the recipe called for, which we didn't have, for one-fourth cup of cayenne pepper. I thought all chili powders were the same. I remember he said to me through teary eyes and coughing voice, "It's good." I quickly learned the truth when I took my own taste of my failed creation and quickly gathered it up and threw it into the trash can. Overlook the failings of your spouse. Look for that which is good and tell them often how you value that in them, even the small things that you love about them. Listen to them carefully and express to them verbally what you hear them saying to you. In response, express ideas that are uplifting and strengthening to them. Be careful, never, never, ever intentionally hurt your spouse. If you do, be quick to offer a sincere and loving apology. We all know men and women are different. I have noticed that there may be times you may need to express your communication needs lovingly and clearly. Our spouses really desire to fulfill our needs. But sometimes they need a little direction. I have said to my husband on occasion, "Could you please turn off the television? I need to talk to you." My husband knows that if I make this request, I need his complete attention, and he is always willing to comply. This is a much better solution than just to sulk in anger or despair because your spouse did not read or understand the signal that you gave that you needed to talk to him. I have a saying that sometimes the best form of communication is silence. This is especially true where forgiveness is needed. To communicate love by holding your tongue, when perhaps you may feel inclined to complain, blame, or ridicule, may be the highest form of self-control and expression of love. One Christmas season, all the employees where I was working were looking forward with great anticipation to the company Christmas party. There would be a formal dinner, a raffle with expensive prizes, dancing, a professional photographer to take pictures of each couple. It would be the event of the year. And as the date for the party finally arrived and we started out towards the event, I suggested to my husband that since there would be many happenings in town, it might be prudent to avoid the freeway and go by way of the city streets instead. My husband disagreed and felt that the quickest way to our party was to take the freeway. Can you guess what happened? As soon as we were on the interstate to a place where you could not exit, the traffic came to a crawl. Even when we finally exited the freeway, the traffic to our venue was so congested that we arrived at the building 1 and 1/2 hours late, only to find that there was absolutely no parking available there. To this end, we had to get back on the jammed streets and try and find someplace to park. When we finally made it to the party, it was over. Everyone had left. During that stressful time as we traveled, I looked over to my husband. I could see the great despair in his countenance. Because of that one bad decision, it cost us participation in a highly anticipated event. I have to admit it was a challenge for me to hold my tongue and not say something like, "If you would have just only listened to me when I told you to avoid the freeway, maybe we could have made the party." Or, "It's all your fault." That would have been the natural man, or in my case, the natural woman, speaking. Since we had missed dinner, I suggested that we stop somewhere and get a bite to eat. As we sat to eat our fast food, I said to him to break the silence of frustration, "It's OK, hon, it wasn't your fault." I remember feeling relieved and happy that I had learned that day that no party was worth hurting this person who means so much to me. Our highest challenge in this mortality is to emulate our Savior Jesus Christ. Nowhere is that more needed that when your spouse commits an error, who wrecks the car, or forgets an anniversary. The Savior loved deeply, forgave freely, and remembered the sin no more. We need to be forgiven. Thus, forgiving our companions in life will hopefully earn us that same forgiveness for ourselves. I am confident that if you have a desire to strengthen your marital relationship, even if it's at the present a one-way venture, little by little, your kind words, your patience and love, will soften hearts, erase misdeeds, and clear many misunderstandings. May the Lord bless you in your desire to strengthen your marriage, deepen and sweeten the bond of eternity that seals you together is my desire in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

When I first met Maria Luisa, I was certain that this was someone I wanted to get to know better. So what did I do? Well, I determined that I needed to do everything in my power to get to learn everything I could about her. I'd been on a two-year mission, and I could see that living with a woman had to be better than living with a man. So, that meant I would go out with her every weekend. Not just once, but all three days--Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And on the weekdays, I'd call her up to talk to her. This was because I needed to get to know her well. I needed to talk to her. I wanted to learn everything I could about her. Well, it didn't take long before I knew she was the one for me. So, three weeks later, I asked her to marry me. And surprisingly, she agreed. That was June. And we were married three months later on the sixth of September, 45 years ago, in the Los Angeles Temple. Seems like yesterday in many ways, but we both learned that we still needed, and even now, need to learn about and from each other. However, even though we were both members of the Church of Jesus Christ and had served missions and came from Hispanic backgrounds, that didn't mean that there wouldn't be differences. That is to be expected among all couples. We need to realize that Heavenly Father knew this would happen. And it has to happen. It allows us to grow. Remember how after Adam was formed that God said, let us make an help meet for the man, for it is not good that that man should be alone. Therefore, we'll form a help meet for him. Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh. We can see how important this was and is for us. We truly need to how our companions. I'm still learning things that I've needed to learn from my eternal companion, Maria. I'd like to share some of the things I've learned about the importance of communication in marriage. And doing so, I hope you'll see the big picture as I have, that in learning to communicate with my sweetheart, it has also helped me learn how to better communicate with my Heavenly Father. First, it's critical that you're both willing to build a solid foundation in the gospel of Jesus Christ. This requires constant renewal, study, and sharing. Of all the points, this must be constant for our entire lives. As the Apostle John taught, the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. In that we both have a testimony of the Savior Jesus Christ, then we'll be striving to build the spirit of revelation and prophecy in our lives. That means we will both be striving to speak when moved upon by the Spirit. And what's wherever we speak when moved upon by the Holy Ghost shall be the will, the mind, the word, and the voice the Lord, and the power of God unto salvation. What a beautiful thought, that there will be two people, a husband and a wife, receiving revelation in each and every home. Second, we need to always express gratitude for big as well as little things. Let me illustrate with a life experience. When married, I knew I didn't want to be the family cook. So, I determined that I needed to always be happy with whatever my dear wife, Maria, made for me. So, after each and every meal, I've always sought to thank her and tell her what a wonderful and delicious meal we'd had. Of course, during the meal, I needed to make sure that I eat everything and show that I was enjoying the meal. And that was never made up, because I've always enjoyed each and every one of my meals. If I have forgotten, she'll ask me if I liked the meal. Of course, my answer is always, "Yes, it was wonderful." And that has never been a lie. She, in turn, thanks me for whatever I do. She might say, "I like the way the lawn looks. I like the way the lights turned out." Her compliments are always meaningful and could include a variety of things, such as cutting and trimming the lawn, painting, repairs around the house, taking care of the car, anything. Now, let me let you in on a special Torres family secret. On big projects, she's always right by my side helping me. And, of course, I help her on her projects. During our work activities, we're always talking to each other. After all, we're really newlyweds, and there is something special to talk about. These simple acknowledgments are ways we show love. Martin Luther wrote, "Marriage is the school of love." President Monson taught, "Often we live side by side but not heart to heart." I hope we will learn to show more gratitude and love to each other. If your husbands were here, I'd tell them to bring home flowers for you. I remember when we were in Guatemala there was a spot just in from the mission home. I'd go there and pick flowers, some that I'd never seen before, for my dear wife. And every time I did, she was so happy. Why I could even see it in her eyes. Now, am I right sisters? Of course, I am. Even the Savior must have been pleased to hear compliments from His Father. Do you remember how at His baptism and on other occasions when Heavenly Father introduces His son? He said, This is my Beloved Son in whom I am well pleased. I think there's something special in that little communication between a father and his son. Thirdly, problem resolution, we all will have--and I like to say that we need to have--problems or concerns, whether minor or major, which will come to us, and we'll need to discuss and work out so that we can learn how to resolve them as a couple. However, this cannot work unless both are in agreement to participate fully. But we must agree to not get upset for anything which may seem upsetting. Remember you love each other, and this is a needed process in our eternal development. Always remember, both husband and wife have the testimony of Jesus and have the promise to receive revelation. Please, please realize that all decisions need to be agreed upon unanimously, just like it is taught in the Doctrine and Covenants in section 107, verse 27 where it teaches, every member in each quorum must be agreed to its decisions. Now, if that doesn't happen in companionship, it's either not the correct thing to do, or it may be something that needs to wait for another time, or may simply be we haven't discovered the correct solution yet. But if we'll do our homework, the solution will come. Now, one of the problems Maria and I saw that we needed to get a handle on was using credit cards. Even though we paid them off the beginning of every month, we never seemed to have a really good idea at how much we had spent until the statements came at the end of the month. We always seemed to be over our spending budget. So we started studying the problem and realized that we could solve this problem. But it would require some major work in changing how we did things. Soon, we realized that this was a topic that had been discussed by ancient as well as modern prophets, as well as others. This was a problem that we wanted to resolve, and we needed to work together on it. Well, it took us a little time to resolve it. But once we saw what we should do and carried out our agreed plan, it solidified our marriage, gave us greater happiness as a couple, as well as individuals. And this, because we came out of our discussions with a workable monthly financial strategy, an emergency fund, and an incredible feeling of happiness and joy that we had worked it out together. I have found that problem-solving helps us draw closer together. Of course, there are disagreements on things which need to be worked out. However, the end result is always amazing. In resolving problems, we need to listen, practice patience, vocalize our feelings without being rude and negative, and most important, be willing to work together. All of this requires insightfulness and communication. And I can assure you it can be done. It can be done because we love each other. Because we love and respect each other, we are willing to learn from each other. We have to, because we are planning to spend eternity together. And we build our eternity right here on this earth. Eternal life is God's life. I wouldn't be happy without my Maria. And she wouldn't be happy without me. Just ask her if that isn't true. I'm sure I'm correct in saying, I thought I loved Maria 45 years ago, but that was nothing in comparison to what I feel today. And I'm sure what I feel today is nothing with what I'll feel in 20, 50, a hundred years from now. I'm happy for you, because I know what awaits you. I want you to know that I know these things which I shared are possible, and true principles. And I share this witness humbly, in the sacred name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, whom I love, amen.