I could draw a picture of what depression looks like. It's chaotic.

It's dark. It's like being literally in the middle of a storm that you cannot see what direction is up, what direction is down. And it’s just closing in on you, and you're just desperate to see some kind of light break through

the darkness, the storms, the craziness, the chaos that is just all-consuming.

So 22 years ago, I was pregnant with my third child, and I was not wanting to get pregnant right away, but I felt very impressed that it was time.

And so I went ahead and followed that. And five months later, I felt like I was losing my mind.

It wasn't just the baby blues.

I wanted to lash out at people, and I didn't enjoy anything that I once did enjoy.

It was just like the lights had gone out in me, and I couldn't figure out what had happened and what was going on. I was in my doctor's office and she had me take this test, and when she came in, she said, “You have severe depression.” Major depressive disorder is what this is called. And I remember just sitting there in shock,

because in my world at that time, that meant that I didn't have enough faith.

It meant I was weak. It meant I wasn't strong enough.

And yet I had just done something courageous. So as a result, my anger toward God just got greater and greater and greater. I thought He had left, He had abandoned me.

Or that I was so dark and evil that this was punishment.

So I go to counseling when I need to. I know when I need to.

And lots of meditation, prayer, scriptures. But in the beginning, none of it worked because I was so angry with God. And so although I didn't feel like God cared, I didn't feel like He was listening to me. I continued to go to church. I continued to read the scriptures. I never stopped praying. And so, honestly, I think that was one of the greatest gifts I gave myself

because three or so years into that anger, when I was finally able to listen and hear, there was a means for that to be communicated. But

I also know deep in my heart that there is a greater purpose.

I truly believe that going through depression

is helping me to fulfill the mission that I wanted to have on earth.

I've learned so much not only about the character and nature of our Heavenly Father and Savior

but also the ruthlessness of the adversary and his traps and snares. And so if going through this helps me to help somebody else recognize the lies from the truth, it's worth it.

I'm to a point now where my relationship with God is greater than I ever thought it could be. The last five years have been my journey in trusting Him again

and trusting Him fully. And now that is my anchor as I’ve healed and grown a greater relationship and trust in Them and know Their character.

I do know that someday this mental illness, this storm that is like hurricane season, you just never know when it's going to hit and how big of a category it's going to be. I know it's going to come to an end.

And all I can say is look out, because I’m a very passionate person, and I’m a light hair in a world where darkness consumes me quite regularly. So when I'm free of this,

heaven and earth are going to move

because I’m going to be moving full force, and it’s going to be glorious. And I'm really excited for that day. But until then, I really hold on to the fact that although I'm not healed,

I can still have a portion of that light.

And whenever I feel like my world is rocking, I just remind myself that I know God loves me.

I know He’s in the details, and I know He keeps His promises.