A Look at the Single Person

By Eleanor Knowles

In a family-oriented society, where does the single person fit in?

In the past, single persons, especially women, usually lived with relatives, often helping rear young nieces and nephews, homesteading, sharing family projects and goals. Today a single person is far more likely to be out on his or her own, financially independent, and living hundreds or even thousands of miles away from home and family.

Many who are single build lives that are full and productive, with interesting jobs and professions, service in the community, social activities with others of similar interests. Others live lives of “quiet desperation and frustration,” as one woman termed it.

“For women especially, there are many adjustments to make when marriage doesn’t come by age twenty-five, thirty, thirty-five,” a professional counselor observed. “From childhood she has been told that a woman’s fulfillment comes with marriage and family. Lessons and discussions at home and church are often prefaced with ‘when you marry.’ Few persons warn that some may not marry—and therefore preparation must be made for a full life, regardless of whether it is within or without marriage.”

Why don’t some people marry? Drs. Rex A. Skidmore and Anthon S. Cannon at the University of Utah list some of the reasons in their book Building Your Marriage (New York: Harper & Brothers, 1951):

1. Poor physical health

2. Poor mental health

3. Occupational limitations (ministers, careerists, etc.)

4. Personal responsibilities (parents, other obligations)

5. Failure to assume responsibilities of marriage and parenthood

6. Desire to live alone and make one’s own decisions

7. Economic factors

8. Feelings of inadequacy

9. Lack of opportunity

10. Selection standards too high

11. Disappointment in love

12. Overanxiety to find a mate.

Probably a majority of single persons claim lack of opportunity as a reason they haven’t married, and for some this may indeed be the case. But one counselor who has counseled hundreds of single persons refutes this claim.

“There are prospective mates around,” declares Dr. Elwood R. Peterson, assistant professor of educational psychology at Brigham Young University. “Those who really want to marry but don’t perhaps haven’t faced their problems realistically. Generally, such a person has a hangup—something that causes it not to happen. The problem is to find out what this hangup is—to become aware of why you aren’t married—and to work on overcoming it. Let’s face it, regardless of who you are and what your age, there are always people your age and with your problems who are getting married.”

What are some of these so-called hangups that seemingly prevent a person’s marrying? There are probably as many types of hangups as there are people who are single, but basically, according to those who provide counseling services, most fall into the areas of lack of self-concept and self-esteem (“I don’t like myself, so why should someone else?”), unresolved personality conflicts and problems, difficulty in relating to others, and unreliable images and models (“I don’t want to have a marriage like my folks had!”).

How does one overcome these hangups and problems? Sometimes by simply facing up to them and admitting they exist; sometimes through counseling with a professional or a trusted friend. But regardless of whether marriage is the goal or not, being able to face one’s self with understanding will help make living with one’s self during the single (and/or married) years more enjoyable.

“Another problem of older single persons is that they are the pickiest people in the world,” states one psychologist. In other words, as one grows older, his expectations of others increases and he is more critical of those who don’t live up to these expectations.

In some areas women have fewer opportunities to marry because of the preponderance of women. This is so, for example, in one area of Salt Lake City where literally hundreds of women have apartments and furnished rooms close to the heart of town and their businesses. On the other hand, some major metropolitan areas, particularly those near graduate schools, have more single men.

Dr. Peterson participated in a study made by a special committee at Brigham Young University to determine the number of unmarried students over 25 years of age (including those widowed and divorced) on the BYU campus. One of the startling findings of the survey was that there were at the time (1967) approximately 800 men in this category—and 400 women.

While there may be some areas in which there are more single men, statistics show that in the United States as a whole, in the older age groups, the ratio of men to women decreases markedly. One author notes that there were 2,700,000 more women than men in the United States in 1960, and it is estimated that by 1975 women may outnumber men by as much as 3,600,000. Men have a higher death rate, and older men tend to marry women who are younger. Thus, opportunities for marriage do decrease as single persons, particularly women, get older.

Are pressures to be married placed just on women? Far from it. The single man has an even greater responsibility, since in our society men are expected to be more aggressive than women in courting. President Joseph Fielding Smith has written:

“Any young man who carelessly neglects this great commandment to marry, or who does not marry because of a selfish desire to avoid the responsibilities which married life will bring, is taking a course which is displeasing in the sight of God. Exaltation means responsibility. There can be no exaltation without it.”

To women, he wrote:

“You good sisters, who are single and alone, do not fear, do not feel that blessings are going to be withheld from you. You are not under any obligation or necessity of accepting some proposal that comes to you which is distasteful for fear you will come under condemnation. If in your hearts you feel that the gospel is true, and would under proper conditions receive these ordinances and sealing blessings in the temple of the Lord; and that is your faith and your hope and your desire, and that does not come to you now; the Lord will make it up, and you shall be blessed—for no blessing shall be withheld.” (Doctrines of Salvation [Bookcraft, 1957], vol. 3, pp. 74, 76.)

Aside from pressures placed on them as Church members and priesthood bearers, many single men also face another problem: being pursued by single women. According to Dr. Peterson, a man chases a girl until she catches him.

One man who recently married recalls that in his ward there were perhaps one hundred unmarried women and fifteen single men. “Men don’t enjoy having women make a ‘play’ for them,” he stated. “The thing that attracted me to my wife was that she wasn’t aggressively looking for a husband.”

Who are some of the older single persons of the Church? They include persons of all types, ages, and interests. For example:

Margaret, sixty-five, a recently retired schoolteacher who now has more time than ever to pursue her hobbies, travel, take university courses, garden—and says she wishes there were more hours in the day!

John, thirty-five, who has been deeply involved in completing his medical studies, internship, and residency, and who has not felt he had the time or finances to assume the responsibilities of a wife and family.

Grace, forty-five, a department store clerk who lives in a small furnished apartment within walking distance of her employment and who finds it takes real effort to go out after she once gets home in the evening—“it’s easier to kick off my shoes and watch television.”

Sarah, fiftyish, who for years has taken care of her elderly mother. Her mother recently died, and she must now build a new life for herself.

Thomas, in his fifties, a $90-a-week shipping clerk in a large metropolitan city who has trouble making ends meet. “With high rent, food, and transportation costs, I can’t afford a social life,” he claims.

Joan, a career girl in her early thirties who does volunteer work in the community, is active in the Church, has a graduate college degree, and is successful in her career—and who finds that “there are few men available who are educated enough to interest me.”

And there are many thousands of others in similar or different circumstances. Most admit they would like to be married, if the opportunity or right situation presented itself. Others are not so sure.

“I feel left out,” said one woman. “I work and have a small home to keep up, but I would like to have more social life. In our community everything revolves around church activities, and our ward is composed almost entirely of families. They try to make me feel welcome but somehow …”

“My life is very full—I have a successful profession, nice apartment, and time and money to travel,” a man in his forties said. “I suppose marriage would be fine, but my life seems pretty full and satisfactory to me too.”

“Sure, I’d like to be married,” a woman commented, “but I’m not. And I do wish my family and friends wouldn’t make me feel so guilty or freakish because I’m not.”

“Families are the worst offenders,” another agreed. “When I wasn’t married by the time I was thirty, my folks made me feel there was something wrong with me.”

“The worst times are holidays,” noted one middle-aged woman. “I used to spend holidays with my family, but as I got older, I began thinking of how much I was missing, and I made excuses to go elsewhere.”

Should everyone marry? Most single persons harbor the hope that sometime, somewhere, marriage is part of their future, but at some point they must also accept the possibility that they may not be married during their mortal life, and that they must build full lives regardless.

“The time to marry is not the same for everyone,” states Dr. Duane Laws, head of the Family Counseling Service at BYU.

In other words, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. … I know that there is no good … but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.” (Eccl. 3:1, 12.)

One of the great problems single persons face is the feeling of loneliness. If they live alone, there’s the problem of coming home at night to a quiet home or apartment, preparing food for oneself, eating alone, and perhaps spending the evening in a lonely pursuit such as watching television or reading. Many single persons may fall into a rut and even quit making an effort to go out and be with others. And families and friends who are married and have their own children and interests may neglect to keep in regular contact with the single person.

“I don’t want to be a burden to my friends and family,” an older woman commented. “They have their own interests, and I don’t really blame them for not calling me.”

Such aloneness also has dangers. “I wonder what would happen to me if I were to get sick and not be able to get to a telephone,” a woman in her fifties said. “My neighbors are kind to me, but I don’t think they’d notice anything wrong for some time.”

The key to a rich and abundant life for a single person is to fill his or her life with outside interests—service to others, interesting work, social contacts with persons in similar circumstances. As one writer has said, “The true worth of a life is measured not by the age at which a person enters into marriage, or even if one doesn’t marry at all, but by the ways in which one has blessed the lives of others.” (Maureen D. Keeler, “The Challenge of the Single Years,” Era, October 1968, p. 69.)

Regardless of prospects or hopes for marriage, every person should find a career that is satisfying and challenging, not merely something to pass time. “Fortunately there are more opportunities today than ever before, particularly for the single person,” Dr. Laws states. “And fortunately too, the ‘old maid’ and ‘bachelor’ stereotype is fading.”

Great satisfactions for women in particular lie in careers that also involve service to others, such as nursing, teaching, and social work. And with perhaps more time to spend on improving oneself, the single person can take advantage of opportunities to study by taking college classes—in residence or by correspondence—to broaden his horizons and perhaps help him to get ahead in his job.

Every community needs volunteers to work with youth, elderly people, the underprivileged, and others who need help. Such service means that one must give unstintingly and lovingly—a vital contribution the person can bring to marriage or any human relationship.

The single person can work on personal improvement, take classes in cultural appreciation, and support the cultural arts, such as concerts, the theater, and the ballet. “Often the unmarried person is envied for his ability to go places and do things,” Dr. Laws noted. Because he generally has few close family ties and obligations, he is often free to travel and seek new friends and interests.

For Latter-day Saints, service and participation in Church can provide great satisfaction and a sense of fulfillment. But seeking out such opportunities may be difficult at times, particularly if one lives in an area in which married couples and families predominate.

“We don’t have any single persons in our ward,” one bishop stated. “Oh, there are perhaps two or three, but they aren’t active and they don’t seem interested in our programs.” Upon further investigation, he found that in reality there were living within the boundaries of his ward a number of older single persons. Why were they not active?

One, a returned missionary, stated, “In a ‘married society’ such as we find in the Church, we really don’t feel we have a place.”

“I prefer to attend a college ward,” another person said. “Though I am older than most of the members there, at least I find intellectual stimulation in the classes, and the discussions don’t center around family life and raising children.”

Single persons can provide great contributions to the Church. For one thing, they often have more time to devote to supervising youth activities and teaching youth groups. Many Church members can testify to the great example and love and devotion of a single teacher or leader who didn’t have a family of his or her own but who had great influence on the lives of many youths.

In recent months the Church’s Mutual Interests program has been given new life and direction, and many single persons are finding opportunities for service, companionship, and associations in this group. (See accompanying story.)

As single persons have been drawn into increased activity in the Church through Mutual Interests organizations, some bishops have noticed increased participation in other activities in their wards. “We really don’t want to feel cut off from the Church,” one single person stated. “We only want to feel that there is a place and a need for us.”

In the brotherhood of the gospel, there is indeed a place and a need for every individual, young or old, married or single—and with greater awareness, love, and understanding of the problems and strengths of the single person, the Church, society, and mankind itself can benefit.