How far should a parent go in insisting on Church activity among his children? At what age can you no longer use “forceful persuasion”?

Joyce Williams, associate professor of child development, Florida State University These questions center on moral free agency, which has been called by President David O. McKay the “most precious of all life’s endowments … inherent in the spirit of man … man’s inherited and inalienable right.” (Pathways to Happiness, Bookcraft, 1957, p. 90.)

The use of the terms insisting and forceful suggest a parental zeal that tempts us to deny our children their free agency instead of helping them to learn to use it wisely. Encouraging and facilitating church activity would be far superior to insisting upon it. Since force is usually not necessary with young children and is likely to breed resentment or hostility in older ones, gentle persuasion and forceful example would be preferable.

Many parents today are hesitant to provide strong leadership for their children in the area of values and morals because they feel they may violate the youngsters’ “rights.” As Latter-day Saints we know that parenthood is a sacred trust and that if children are not taught to obey the Lord’s commandments, we, the parents, will be held responsible. Therefore, a goal of full Church involvement for them should be set at birth and pursued vigorously, but skillfully.

Young children may gain an early dislike for church because of the boredom or frustration they experience during sacrament meeting or as they are left to roam while parents attend other meetings. We need to establish an early positive feeling about being at church. It is best to keep them occupied with quiet toys. As they mature, little by little, they will be able to sit and pay attention to proceedings with increasing interest.

Since children do not grasp the significance of full church activity, their early habits and feelings can determine their lifelong practices. The habit of being at church will take on deeper meaning as mental abilities develop and young testimonies grow. The blessing of full church involvement through early habit is a priceless one, given easiest and best by active parents. A vital part of this gift is enthusiastic example. Parents, siblings, and peers who display joy and pleasure in church activity have great impact on little people.

Children through ages eleven or twelve like to be with their parents and generally enjoy pleasing adults. An unfortunate change may occur with the onset of puberty and the attendant influence of teenage peers and the mass media. It is important at this stage for parents to see the motivation behind young peoples’ questionings and challenging as a normal part of growing up and a desire to establish their own identity in the world. Parents need to build a rapport with their children prior to this age in order to facilitate communication, a degree of give-and-take, and respect for each other’s needs and desires. To give teens choices on things that are not as far-reaching as Church activity may satisfy their desires to express uniqueness: color of clothes, bedroom decor, music volume, food concoctions.

Adult and youth leaders in the Aaronic Priesthood and Young Women are ready models for teens during this period when parents may be seen as “insensitive” or “old-fashioned.” This temporary change in allegiance may come as a blow to parents but can serve to broaden the youngsters’ outlooks, stimulating their thoughts and helping them to define their individuality. Recalcitrant youth are often more effectively influenced by these nonfamily persons than they are by their own parents. Patient understanding and enthusiasm on the part of parents will usually do more than shame or force in such a situation.

In summary, we need to regard free agency with respect, while trying through early habit formation and enthusiastic example to help children “choose the right.” We can allow for expressions of individuality and identity-seeking in matters that are not a vital part of the eternal scheme. We can call on resources outside the family. And we must pray for and remain worthy of the comfort and guidance of the Holy Ghost throughout parenthood, as throughout life.