I Wanted to Be Free

A year or two ago I was preparing to leave my job and go to another city to take a two-month course that was going to change my life. It was going to release me from responsibility, fears, guilt, morals, beliefs in anything and everything. In short, it was going to free me from all controls in my life. I was going to return a totally free and balanced person, with no belief-structure to tie me to right/wrong, good/evil patterns of living. I thought there were no absolute “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” in life. I was going to live the life of a natural human being.

One month before I was to leave, a dear friend asked me one favor: would I just come and listen to what her church had to say about life? For her sake, I went to her home to listen to the missionary discussions, but I was somewhat apprehensive. I did not intend to be coerced into anything. Yet I could see from the start that there were very basic, glaring differences between what I was planning to do with my life and the beliefs to which the elders and my friend were dedicating their lives. But I had promised myself that I would search honestly, so I did, as I read the assigned topics and more besides, and agreed to meet frequently to finish the discussions in a month.

During that first discussion, my memories of all the years of love and teaching of my parents flooded over me. I began to realize that I still knew God existed, and I still knew Christ was someone special. For the next week my spiritual self was in great turmoil with my natural self. I had a pounding headache constantly. I could accept intellectually all the missionaries were teaching me, but I had not yet allowed my heart to ponder and decide one way or the other—I had not really asked for the truth through prayer. I still clung to the ego-supporting notion that there was no absolute truth for everyone to live by.

As we read 2 Nephi, chapter 2, [2 Ne. 2] a testimony seemed to come to me all at once. I believed there was opposition in all things, and I believed there was a God who was everyone’s source. From those two basic beliefs (absolutes), I began to see clearly the opposing forces in my life—a true God and a real Satan, a right and a wrong way to live. Then I knew I wanted with my whole being to live the right way. At this point I began to pray, and my headache disappeared.

The realization of how blindly I had been living, how proudly and vainly, brought me to my knees in repentance. I had been depending entirely upon my own powers of reasoning, with my own tiny intellect. Now I knew the Book of Mormon verified all I had learned from the Bible and my parents, and I looked forward to the rest of our discussions.

At the same time, Christ’s infinite atonement became real to me. (2 Ne. 9.) Such an amazing plan to be made manifest among men—for One to live perfectly, then to suffer infinitely and die to answer the law of justice for us, with the law of mercy so that we might all return to God’s presence if we live according to his way! This was the most joyous realization of my life; and it never ceases to amaze me and humble me.

I knew I wanted to be baptized, to take upon me the name of Christ and the commitment to live according to his commandments, realizing it will be Christ himself who will judge me someday, according to how I have lived.