How can we keep a healthy balance with our married children? We want to help them as much as we can, but we don’t want our helping to impair our relationship with them, or their relationship with one another.

Robert F. Stahmann, professor of child development and family relations and director of the Marriage and Family Counseling Clinic, Brigham Young University This question often arises when a young couple is establishing their own home and their parents have the means to assist them. I have found the following ideas to be helpful:

First, avoid the common pitfalls of dependency, unkept promises, and old patterns of interaction.

Extreme dependency is not healthy for either relationship. Parents can be too dependent upon the children or the children too dependent upon the parents. Each couple—the parents and the married children—will need to decide when dependency is healthy and when it is troublesome. The primary focus in any marital relationship needs to be with the married partners. Ask yourself, “Am I most dependent upon my spouse or upon my children/parents?”

Often we are tempted to make offers and promises that we cannot keep. It is easy to fall into the trap of committing help that we cannot provide. To make sure we can follow through on a promise to help, we should make no commitment until we realistically assess the situation. What are the implications for you, your spouse, and other family members?

Another pitfall to avoid is that of treating a young married adult the same way you treated an unmarried child living under your roof. Of course, the converse is also true. Young marrieds frequently deal with their parents as they did when they were living in the parents’ home. In both instances, new relationships and new responsibilities require change. This does not mean that the positive aspect of being a child or a parent needs to be abandoned; however, as roles and responsibilities change, so should interactions.

Now, what can the parents do to help? When we speak of “help,” most of us tend to think of material assistance. Truly significant help for young couples, however, is not limited to material things. Parents and grandparents can be of great help to young couples by giving mature advice—assuming that the advice is sought by the younger couple and not imposed by the parents. Time is a gift that can be of great help to young couples; parents could offer to share holidays or baby-sit. Other ways of sharing time together might include recreational and vocational interests and church activities.

Communication, love, and action are necessary for a healthy balance in parent and married-children relationships.

First, communication is the key. All parties need to clearly understand the request or proposal for help. Have the married children discussed their request between themselves and come to an agreement prior to discussing it with the parents? Then, is the proposed help clearly understood by the parents and the married children together? Such communication requires face-to-face discussion by all.

Second, when help is offered, is it offered with “no strings attached”? The best way to keep a healthy balance with married children is to practice unconditional love toward them.

Love should not be used for power or coercion. Where material things such as money or other items are involved, a clear understanding by all as to whether it is a gift or loan is essential; and a record to that effect is sometimes helpful. Thus, communication and discussion again! Nothing can bring grief to marital and family relationships more quickly or effectively than misunderstandings regarding gifts or money.

Third, when everyone understands what is being proposed, a well understood plan of action should be implemented. Ask, what are the expectations and how will these expectations be achieved? What kind of help will be given and when?

Remember, as you deal across generations, that understanding is crucial. Regardless of how close the family relationships, what is being proposed may be “outside” the experience of one of the couples. Just because in our marital relationship, we found something to be useful or a problem, we must not assume that our children—or our parents—find it to be so in their marriage. They are in a different marital relationship at a different point in time, and the things that worked for us may not work for them.