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Accepting the Love of Heavenly Father
When my father passed away, I made all the wrong choices. I stayed away from God.
I was emotionally drained and angry. My heart had been shattered and I often asked myself, “How could God do this to me?”
I recall the days just before my father passed. He had been ill for a little while by then. I remember calling everyone at the church I belonged to at the time and asking them to pray for my father. I remember gathering my siblings and praying together for Dad’s health to improve.
My father was the most important person in my life, and I could not imagine life without him. I prayed with more fervour and sincerity than I had ever done in my whole life. I did have a testimony of Jesus Christ, but this was the first time I had ever really asked God for anything. Despite my earnest prayers, my dad passed away. The bitter disappointment made me angry, and I let my grief isolate me from my Father in Heaven.
I didn’t see at the time that doing this only separated me from the comforting power of the Spirit. That Spirit, which could have healed my heart and given me understanding, was pushed away. I was deeply hurt that my sincere and desperate prayers had not been answered.
When the Spirit isn’t with you, things can quickly become too much to handle. I was lost and I didn’t know where to turn.
At the time, I was dating a wonderful young man who belonged to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—Dustine Craig. He was serving a two-year mission, and that separation from him only added to the isolation.
The missionaries started to visit me. I loved the sweet spirit they brought and the talks we enjoyed. Even though my love for Dustine did make me think more seriously of joining the Church, I just wasn’t ready to make that life-changing decision to be baptised.
After a while, the missionaries stopped visiting. Once again, I was left to myself and I could feel that something was missing. It was a time of deep soul searching and struggle. I didn’t want to ask God for a witness. I didn’t want to ask God for anything. I was far too scared of being let down—again.
Eventually I desired to know if what the missionaries had taught me was true, so I knelt in prayer and sincerely asked Heavenly Father to please send the missionaries a message to come and visit me again. Three days after my prayer, two missionaries knocked on my door.
I was so filled with the Spirit and extremely grateful the Lord had decided to bless me with exactly what I had asked for; I could not hold back my tears when I saw them. One of the missionaries was a friend of Dustine’s from the Missionary Training Centre. Dustine had asked his friend to look out for me. That elder mentioned Dustine’s request, and he also said the previous elders who had visited me had also left a message specifically for him to visit.
Making the decision to say that prayer and ask for help was the start of a new path in my life. I felt Heavenly Father’s presence more keenly every day. As I allowed the Spirit to bring me understanding around my father’s passing, I started having dreams where I could see Heavenly Father sitting there with me as I bitterly grieved Dad’s death. The Lord was there all along; through every single tear drop. I stopped feeling so alone and isolated. Finally, I was letting Him in. I stopped using my hurt as an excuse to push God away and began to see in my trials just how much my Saviour loved and recognized me.
During the third discussion with the missionaries, I could not contain my feelings anymore. I broke down in tears and told them that I knew that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was true, and I knew that God was real.
Heavenly Father had answered my prayers when my father died. He did not save Dad from death as I had asked, but He had been there all along to comfort me as I mourned. Though I chose not to see it at the time, Heavenly Father does not give up on us. He patiently stayed with me throughout my journey of conversion, until I was able to receive for myself a witness that He does answer our prayers. I was baptised soon after and today I am so grateful for my testimony and membership in this gospel of Jesus Christ.