Digital Only: Young Adults
Moving Forward after Learning of My Fiancé’s Pornography Use
The author lives in French Polynesia.
My fiancé finally admitted that he had a problem with pornography. Could I still marry him?
Photograph from Getty images, used for illustrative purposes, posed by models
I met my husband when we were both EFY counselors. I was impressed by his strong testimony and the way he taught and interacted with the youth.
When we started dating, we felt like the Lord expected something from our relationship. As our relationship progressed, however, he became more insistent in the way he showed affection. I started suspecting he had difficulties with pornography, but when we talked about it, he denied that he had any problems with it.
We started setting stricter rules to protect ourselves. When he proposed, I accepted and things got better—until one day when, once again, he started insisting on showing me he loved me in ways that made me uncomfortable.
I still had my suspicions about his pornography use, so one day I told him about one of my mission companions who had struggled with pornography before her mission. I did my best to sound understanding, loving, and nonjudgmental, because she truly is a good person. I then asked him again if he had a pornography addiction, and he finally told me he did.
Hurt and Healing
At first, it was hard for me to talk to him and look him in the eyes. My feelings were almost unbearable because I felt that the Lord had told me that this man could be my eternal companion. But even though I was hurt, I knew I needed to work toward forgiving him, and I felt prompted to not give up on our relationship.
I prayed a lot and studied talks about forgiveness and pornography use. I read a lot of articles and testimonies of married people whose spouses had struggles with this poison. As I read, I felt the Savior’s love for me and my fiancé, and I received another confirmation that this man was truly my eternal companion. I also learned a different aspect of the Savior’s Atonement—how He can heal a repentant soul (my fiancé’s) and a bruised heart (mine).
An important factor in our journey was talking to my fiancé’s bishop. His guidance helped us to heal and grow closer as a couple. He was very patient when my husband relapsed, and his Christlike, loving example inspired and helped me to forgive and work through this problem with my fiancé.
For a while, it was so hard for my fiancé to see me suffer because of his choices that he almost didn’t want to marry me anymore! But after working together for months for him to be clean, he finally felt that both the Lord and I had sincerely forgiven him.
Eventually, we got married, and our relationship is now stronger than ever. This experience has helped us not be ashamed to talk to each other about our problems. And although he is no longer involved with pornography, we still remain very attentive and accountable to each other.
Your Relationship Can Work
If your relationship is being poisoned by the effects of pornography, know that it’s possible to forgive. It’s possible to continue to love each other and work together to find solutions and overcome it. We are all entitled to the healing of the Savior’s Atonement. We have to accept that we are hurt and that only with the Savior’s help can we be fully healed.
Every person’s story is unique, and every relationship is unique. For some people, ending the relationship may be the right thing to do. But I hope our story can help others in similar circumstances. Because I received that confirmation from the Holy Ghost, and with the help of the Savior and His Atonement, I was able to forgive my fiancé and continue our relationship. I know that it was the right choice for me.
If you’re facing a similar situation, prayerfully consider your current circumstances and what the future could potentially hold. If you receive confirmation from the Spirit that continuing your relationship is the right thing to do and you feel confident, know that with effort from both of you and reliance on Heavenly Father, your relationship can work.
My husband is a wonderful man, and I love him more than ever! I can’t thank the Lord enough for helping us heal and making it possible for us to get married. The Lord has helped us grow together as a couple that is ready to face whatever He has planned for our lives together.