“Are you ever justified in disobeying parents in order to follow gospel principles?”

Victor B. Cline
Professor, Department of Psychology, University of Utah

In the extremely unlikely instance where a parent might require or order his son or daughter to do something clearly evil, anti-social, or self-destructive, I would recall President Brigham Young’s counsel to the sisters of the Church to the effect that they should support and honor their spouses but that no woman should follow her husband to hell.

Where one parent may suggest that his offspring do something clearly contrary to gospel standards, the young person would certainly be wise to seek the help and counsel of the other parent first. But I cannot imagine reasonably healthy loving parents unitedly requiring or asking their children to do something truly wrong or evil. I have seen this only in the instance of mental illness or intoxication. These conditions should be reasonably apparent to the offspring.

However, I can imagine, especially in part-member families, an occasion where a parent might ask his children to work on Sunday or break the Sabbath in other ways, not put his money into the tithing fund, drink “forbidden” beverages, or do other similar things that might be contrary to gospel principles. But we must recognize that by both spiritual and temporal law the parents are the children’s guardians and do have responsibility for their rearing. So the problem will not be solved by outright rebellion. I would suggest that the young person request in a reasonable way that he be allowed to live Church standards. Solve the problem through peaceable negotiations, in a Christlike way. Certainly, fasting and prayer will entitle the worthy young Church member to receive personal revelation that will assist him or her in solving the problem with the parent in a constructive way so that everyone wins. If the problem or conflict persists, I would seek counsel of the bishop on how to handle it.

I remember a woman who constantly nagged her husband (an inactive elder) about not paying his tithing, saying again and again, “When you don’t pay your tithing, you deny me and the children the blessings that are associated with this commandment … I want those blessings, even if you don’t.” She became so irate and her marriage became so disturbed over this issue that she went to the bishop trying to get his aid in forcing her husband to pay tithing. The bishop’s response was, “Overall your husband is basically a good and righteous man. If you sustain him in righteousness, even in his judgment not to pay tithing at this time, the Lord will sustain you, and you will be obeying God’s commandments and will not miss out on any of the blessings.” When the husband later learned of this bishop’s counsel, he was so deeply affected and impressed that his Church activity increased and the marital relationship was much improved.

So sometimes we obey a greater commandment that overrules a lesser one. And the test one might use in deciding what to do and how to handle a delicate situation (as posed in the question above) would be, “What would Christ have done in a similar situation?”