Question: My colleagues at work constantly speak disrespectfully of women. How can I as a Latter-day Saint influence them to hold women in their proper esteem?

Thomas P. Smith, Bishop of the Miami Second Ward, Miami Florida Stake.

The question as presented involves two concepts: first, what respect men should render women; and second, how one can influence others so that actions toward women and reference to them in conversation will be proper.

As in so many other things, the Lord himself provided an example in his own life of how we should regard and treat women. In the Gospels we find no hesitancy on his part to deal openly and equitably with women, healing compassionately, teaching impartially, and conversing freely; he was open and just, and considerate of their standing as children of divine parents. The Lord is a prominent example of one who treated women with respect, not as “a mere toy or slave of man”; his conception of womanhood was one based on “the eternal foundation of truth, right, honor, and love” (see James E. Talmage, Jesus the Christ, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1973, Chapter 27, Note number 5 at the end of the chapter, p. 484).

This is certainly the doctrine of the Church—that woman is not to be thought of as a servant of man but as a companion and partner in the eternal unit, the family. Man without woman—or woman without man—is not complete and cannot receive the fulness of exaltation. From this viewpoint, it is inconceivable that any man could esteem woman as anything, less than what she is—a child of God and the partner of man for eternity. And it should go without saying that the Lord would not approve any form of improper reference to women.

On the second issue, I suppose there are many tactics that could be used to discourage colleagues from making unfair, unkind, or obscene remarks about women—or indeed, from using disagreeable language of any kind. We might intimidate them. If we were the boss, we might threaten to fire them or give them less desirable work to do. Or we might assume a self-righteous stance and belittle and embarrass the offenders. But I’m sure we understand that none of these is the gospel way. The most effective way to influence others positively is through example and kind persuasion.

A positive experience from my life may illustrate the power of example:

Some years ago as a police officer assigned to a ghetto area, I encountered the problem of foul language among my fellow officers and many of the citizens of the area. I simply did the best I could to maintain the standards we are taught, by (1) refusing to use foul language myself, and (2) discouraging offensive talk whenever I could without offending others in the process. I soon noticed that in my presence the use of foul language was at a minimum. I felt that the other men respected and honored my example, even though they did not accept my standards for themselves when they were out of my presence. I never asked for this deference; it was given almost unconsciously.

I think I appreciated this deference the most the night an angry citizen who was quite prominent in the community made a complaint against me for excessive force and abuse when writing him a traffic citation. Because of this citizen’s position in the community and to calm him, it was likely that I would receive a reprimand. However, in his complaint this citizen swore that I had used foul language and cursed him. My fellow officers and superiors, knowing that I would not have done such a thing, immediately rejected the complaint on that basis.

I believe that when we first decide how we will act, and then follow the course we have chosen and endure in it, others who associate with us will be encouraged to follow that example. Many people will recognize the merits of decent action and some may in time begin to act decently themselves. At the very least they will begin to understand it, and although they may not accept it for themselves, they will respect our actions and even insist that others respect our actions. If they do accept our example, they will endure in this course long after we are gone and will become an influence on others as well.

Certainly there are times when firmness, tempered with love, is required. I like the example of a well-known lecturer who, after the speech to a group of college students, was answering questions from the audience. One young man prefaced his question by commenting on some of the negative effects of television on our society. In particular, he mentioned “women and their lousy soap operas.”

The speaker didn’t let the remark pass. “Before I try to answer your question,” he said, with kindness in his voice, “let me say that I am uncomfortable with the feelings you expressed about women and soap operas. I think it’s an unfair and inaccurate stereotype. And even if it were true, we men have enough bad habits of our own that we should be very timid indeed about giving any kind of criticism …” And then he went on in a friendly way.

No one in the audience was offended. In fact, an invisible wave of approval swept through the audience, and, to his credit, the young man nodded, acknowledging that he felt chastened but not offended. The rest of the discussion was very relaxed and open.

It seems to me that sustaining the Lord’s example for us is not such a fearful thing when we do it in this way. My experience is that by taking this course, not only will we not offend our fellow workers and friends with complaints and indignant lectures, we will, in fact, make it comfortable for them to honor our feelings and be encouraged by our actions to change their own attitudes. Righteous influence through example requires patience, tolerance, and long-suffering, but it can bring about change.