Together or Apart

By Rod Jeppsen

Clinical Mental Health Counselor

Which way will you turn as a couple, now that your nest is empty?

As I counsel with couples who no longer have children living in their home, they often describe the “empty nest” experience this way: “It sneaked up on us so fast! It seems like we were just waiting for the first child to arrive, and all of a sudden the children are grown and gone. The years flew by! Now we look at each other and say, ‘What do we have in common?’”

No Magic List

You might be thinking, “This article is exactly what I need!” or “This is exactly what my spouse needs!” You may be longing for a list of breakthrough suggestions on how to deal with life as empty nesters. But here’s a truth I discovered during years of counseling couples: for the most part, a list of creative things to do or ways to connect with each other again seldom works long term—unless there is a reliable emotional connection.

Whether we live in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia, or São Paulo, Brazil, we all are sons and daughters of God. We are human and have emotions. We may express emotions differently based on our culture and upbringing, but we all have them—loneliness, rejection, fear, sadness, happiness, and joy. Even in cultures where families live in intergenerational homes, as children grow into adulthood, their parents often grow apart.

Empty-nester couples often say to me, “We don’t have anything in common anymore.” And if they are only looking at what one individual likes to do versus what the other individual wants to do, that’s usually right. Without an emotional connection, we can be in the same room with our spouse and still feel lonely.

So what can a couple do so they’re facing together rather than facing apart? Let’s start by discussing backgrounds.

Backgrounds Affect Marriage

We all come from different backgrounds. We have experiences with parents, siblings, extended family, friends, and associates that shape and mold what we do and expect in marriage. For example, during our growing-up years, were our caregivers emotionally close or distant? Based on our backgrounds, we can ask two essential questions:

How close are we willing to emotionally connect with our spouse?
Are we willing to let our spouse into our emotional space?

When we’re focusing on our spouse’s behavior rather than seeing the history of why that behavior may have developed, we will often generate rigidity and keep softness away. Having insight and compassion for difficult times our spouse experienced during his or her growing-up years will usually instill a desire to be more supportive. Compassion, softness, and gentleness provide fertile ground to share emotions. Learning to talk about our feelings with our spouse is a catalyst in producing emotional safety and connection.

President Russell M. Nelson counseled, “Communicate well with your spouse. … Couples need private time to observe, to talk, and really listen to each other.”¹

Label, Feel, Acknowledge, and Share

Even after years of marriage, sharing sensitive issues can be tough. But here are some steps to make it easier:

Label your emotions. Put a name on them, like “desperation,” “anticipation,” or “eagerness.”
Feel them. Slow down. Ask, “Where and when do I notice the feeling?”
Acknowledge them. Emotions have a purpose. Don’t shame yourself or your spouse for having feelings. Rather, seek Heavenly Father’s help and direction.
Share them. When you share emotions with your spouse, it often draws the two of you closer. In Gospel Topics we read, “Couples can strengthen their marriage as they take time to talk together and to listen to one another, to be thoughtful and respectful, and to express tender feelings and affection often.”²

Spouses of any age strengthen their relationship as they learn to identify, recognize, understand, and talk about their emotions together. It may be helpful to apply two inspired principles: (1) “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other,” and (2) husband and wife are “to help one another as equal partners.”³

Use a “Gentle Startup”

A well-known marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, recognizes that at the core of a good marriage is the ability to discuss and work through difficult topics and emotions. He developed a model he calls a “gentle startup.” The spouse with the issue gently sets up a framework to discuss the concern rather than criticizing the other spouse. There are four parts:

Express how you feel. Focus on what you are feeling rather than what the other person is doing or saying. For example: “I’m worried, concerned, afraid, or fearful.” Express your feelings with “I” statements, such as, “I feel …”
Talk about one specific situation or event. Try to be clear and to the point. Avoid evaluating or judging your spouse. Include what you have been experiencing because of the event and your related feelings.
State a positive need. Describe what is important to you in the relationship. Ask your spouse to take positive steps to meet your needs. Be polite in your request. “Please” or “I would appreciate it” can go a long way.
Express gratitude. Compliment your spouse on those things that are working for you.

Attachment Injuries

Most of us are either deeply grateful or deeply longing for emotional connection with our spouse. As the scripture says, “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11). If we reach out to our spouse in need and, for whatever reason, our spouse is not available or is unable to soothe us, there is a high possibility we might experience what Dr. Sue Johnson calls an attachment injury. These injuries generate negative reactions that come in several forms:

Attacking. We lash out and criticize our spouse for not being there, with absolute statements like, “You have never been there for me. What I need doesn’t matter to you.”
Placating. We agree with our spouse’s viewpoint, hoping the discussion will not continue or intensify, but nothing is resolved, and the result is usually an accumulation of resentment.
Defending. We provide evidence, like a courtroom attorney, as to why we are justified in our reactions in the present circumstances.
Withdrawing. We pull away and go silent. We keep our distance and only talk about daily living necessities, without any meaningful connection.
Pursuing. We need a connection so intensely that we continue to ask questions, demand answers, ask for commitments, and attempt to stay in control of the agenda—not for the sake of the relationship but to appease our hurt feelings.

These reactions are not abnormal when we feel like we have lost our attachment with the one we love. But they are dangerous because they can generate a negative cycle. First, the attachment injury; second, the negative reaction; then a negative reaction to the first reaction; and around it goes. In this way, each spouse contributes to and also gets hurt by the cycle.

Physical and Emotional Intimacy

Of course, intimacy is an important component of marriage. In fact, it might be said that intimacy is a multifaceted component of marriage. Feeling close to each other, having actual physical contact, and feeling a strong emotional connection are all interrelated.

Emotional intimacy fosters the connection and closeness that deepens and enriches sexual intimacy. It is challenging for a spouse with low sexual desire to engage sexually if he or she feels little or no emotional connection. In this sense, regular, meaningful emotional connection creates a haven of safety for sexual intimacy.

As we age, sexual intimacy can become more difficult. In some cases, a competent medical doctor or certified therapist can provide insight and help. But I believe there can be great value in maintaining physical contact through things as simple as kissing each other good night, regularly holding hands, or giving each other an affectionate hug or squeeze.

A Better List

Now, if you still find yourself longing for that list of creative things to do or ways to connect with each other again during your empty-nester years, here’s the good news: as the two of you remain emotionally connected or become emotionally connected again, it will be much easier to create a list you can both contribute to. It will be your list, and because you created it, you will be more likely to do it. Couples who build stronger emotional connections usually work closely together and can find solutions for their marriage regardless of their backgrounds, hobbies, interests, or activities.