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“The Time to Stop Being Offended Is Now”
“To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”
How many people do we interact with on a day-to-day basis? How many messages or comments do we read? Whether it be in person, over the phone, or through social media, the numbers can be strikingly high. At one point or another, we will come across someone who will say or do something that is considered offensive, intended or not.
Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon. To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation.”
Consider how you might act in the following situations when people may normally take offense—and ponder how you can choose not to:
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You graciously prepared a meal for others. While eating, someone says the food tastes rancid.
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Someone mentions your hair looks unkempt to a group, and other people laugh.
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During a discussion at Sunday School, after you share a heartfelt spiritual experience, someone critiques your words.
Choosing how to act and respond to hurtful situations isn’t easy. However, President Russell M. Nelson reminds us of where we can focus instead: “When you make choices, I invite you to take the long view—an eternal view. Put Jesus Christ first because your eternal life is dependent upon your faith in Him and in His Atonement.”
A Doctrinal Foundation in Christ
Jesus Christ is the perfect example of not letting others’ words and actions affect His duty (see 1 Nephi 19:9). During the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus teaches us to love our enemies and commands us to become perfected, which is possible through His Atonement (see Matthew 5).
As we strive to draw closer to our Heavenly Father, we can receive enabling and strengthening power through Jesus Christ to help us overcome our hurt and offense.
Elder Bednar teaches that “through the strengthening power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, you and I can be blessed to avoid and triumph over offense.”
Be a Detective
After a rude comment or action, we might feel the need to quickly react, perhaps angrily, or hold in our emotions until we break. How can we step back and remember the Savior?
One idea is to become our own detectives. We can try to understand emotions behind offense. Is there miscommunication? Are we thinking with built-up emotion or a clear head? What are we responding to?
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “We too often justify our anger as righteous and our judgment as reliable and only appropriate. … We make exceptions when it comes to our own bitterness because we feel that, in our case, we have all the information we need to hold someone else in contempt.”
Though becoming our own detectives may take practice, better understanding the situation and our own emotions can possibly help us to remember the Savior, instead of feeling negative emotions that might draw us further away.
After trying this tactic, sometimes what was said or done is still hurtful. If so, Elder Bednar says: “Our first obligation is to refuse to take offense and then communicate privately, honestly, and directly with that individual. Such an approach invites inspiration from the Holy Ghost and permits misperceptions to be clarified and true intent to be understood.”
For additional support, read “Emotional Resilience Helps Us to Prepare for Emergencies” and its following subsections in the Emergency Preparedness Manual, and take a look at the emotional resilience course from Self-Reliance Services.
Find Peace Today
When someone says or does something that could be considered offensive, we can rely on Elder Uchtdorf’s reminder:
“We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. …
“Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?”
Ultimately, true healing comes by and through the Savior, giving us peace to continue forward.
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27).