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When I Wanted to End My Life, Jesus Christ Helped Me Find Light
In a dark time of my life, I felt that suicide was my only option. But I was able to find peace through Jesus Christ.
He Comes Again to Rule and Reign, by Mary R. Sauer
I grew up playing rugby in Ireland, and I was able to play it professionally around the world as a young adult. While I was visiting England to play rugby, I met the missionaries and was baptized. I later served a mission and then moved to Australia, where I met my wife and became a father.
When I converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ, my entire lifestyle changed in just a short time! I suddenly had a wife, a home in a different country, and a son. I didn’t grow up with a traditional family, so this was all new to me. Living the gospel brought me blessings that I never had access to before, and I was so grateful for them.
But even though I was blessed in so many areas of my life, I still felt overwhelmed.
Feeling Alone in My Emotions
From the outside, life was good, but I realized there were some difficulties amid the blessings. When my wife and I argued, I struggled to share my feelings. I hadn’t learned how to express them effectively. And because I grew up with a single mother, I felt somewhat lost when it came to a marriage relationship.
Circumstances changed, and I could no longer play rugby. I felt like I was not a good dad, a good husband, or a good provider. And I wanted to provide for my family so badly! I just didn’t know where to turn.
My experience of being overwhelmed progressively got worse. I began to lose hope that things would get better, and I grew more depressed. Over time, thoughts of suicide emerged. Because my suicidal thoughts and depression were left untreated, I chose to make a suicide attempt.
By a miraculous event, I survived my attempt. I realized how bad my mental health had become, and I started meeting with a counselor. This counselor helped me have a healthier perspective and learn to recognize and share how I was really feeling.
Inviting the Light of the Gospel
With a new focus on hope, and with professional help for my mental health, I was determined to start healing. I started to understand that even though I’m imperfect, with Heavenly Father’s help, I could keep my marriage strong, be a good dad, and provide for my family.
My ward was also supportive of me as I served in the bishopric. Being able to serve others brought another sense of purpose back into my life.
Another miraculous blessing that helped me see the light was studying my patriarchal blessing. The words reminded me of the promises Heavenly Father has made to me and helped me realize that I could provide for my family if I put the Lord first.
I’ve started praying more sincerely to invite the light of the gospel into my life. I read my scriptures every day. I always try to invite the Spirit so I can have positive thoughts and improve my relationship with my wife and son.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught:
“From time to time our lives may seem to be touched by, or even wrapped in, darkness. …
“… I bear witness that our living hope is in Christ Jesus! He is the true, pure, and powerful entrance to divine enlightenment.
“I testify that with Christ, darkness cannot succeed.”
Now I talk to Heavenly Father every day. When I have a hard time, I get on my knees and let Him know that I am still trying my best. I now understand that no matter how overwhelmed I may get, I can always turn to my Savior for help.
I am never really alone. I truly am a child of God.
And so are you.
You Can Find Peace and Hope
The scriptures teach us that the worth of souls is great in the eyes of God (see Doctrine and Covenants 18:10). And Heavenly Father loves each of His children so much and is aware of our struggles. Even when life is challenging, we can always have faith that He will lead us to the right people and the right resources.
I echo what President Jeffrey R. Holland, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, taught: “Whatever your concerns or difficulties, death by suicide is manifestly not the answer. … In a world that so desperately needs all the light it can get, please do not minimize the eternal light God put in your soul before this world was. Talk to someone. Ask for help. … You can bear the struggles of this mortal life because we will help you bear them. You are stronger than you think. Help is available, from others and especially from God. You are loved and valued and needed. We need you!”
At first, I didn’t realize I was struggling with my mental health, until it became so debilitating I could hardly function. Learning to talk about my feelings and focusing on my Savior and His healing power has helped me feel peace and hope in my life again.
I know focusing on Him will help you find healing too.