My loved one is gay. What should I do?

Start with Love

Talking about one’s same-sex attraction can be terrifying and confusing. Your child, spouse, or family member may not have known how to talk to you about it. You may sometimes feel inadequate. Although you may not always know how to respond to the struggles your family member faces, you will never regret reaching out with love and understanding.

You will never regret saying “I love you.”

You will never regret throwing your arms around your loved one and hugging him or her. You will never regret listening. You will never regret trying to understand.

If you overreact, get angry, or say things you regret, don’t be discouraged. This is one moment in a lifelong conversation. It’s never too late to apologize.

If you learn about your loved one’s same-sex attraction secondhand, don’t take it personally. Talking about same-sex attraction can be terrifying and confusing. Your loved one may not have known how to talk to you about it.

It’s natural to grieve. Do you feel your dream of the “perfect” family slipping away? Do you fear losing a close relationship? Are you afraid your loved one won’t be treated with kindness? These feelings are natural. There is no shame in grieving.

Don’t blame yourself for your loved one’s same-sex attraction. This is no one’s fault. Blame is neither necessary nor helpful.

Seek Spiritual Guidance

As a family member, the least productive prayer is “why?” A close second is “please, take this away right now.” The most helpful question you can ask is “how?” How can I help? How can I be the support my loved one needs? How can we learn from this?

Seek knowledge and learn all you can. Speak with your bishop or branch president and receive counsel from an authorized servant of the Lord. If you feel impressed, ask him for a priesthood blessing to help you meet the needs of your loved one. Some people find perspective in support groups or through temple attendance. In fact, there is no better place to find peace and perspective than in the temple.

Build Understanding

Surround yourself with people who build you up. Some people care. Some people are curious. Answering questions can help build understanding but can also be exhausting. Be sure to charge your spiritual battery by spending quality time in sacred places. And no one cares more than your Father in Heaven.

Learning to be a parent on this journey will stretch you. As you seek the companionship of the Spirit, you will draw near to God, your child, and, if applicable, your spouse. Remember to honor agency. If your spouse disagrees with how you want to handle things, work it out respectfully. If your child makes choices you disagree with, kindly let them know how you feel. Never try to control or manipulate them. Give them your time, and assure them of your love.

Balancing Love and Law

“As Latter-day Saints, many of us—not all of us, but many of us—are inclined to insist on the law and do so in an unloving way.

“I receive many letters from people who are devastated at the choices being made by someone in their family. And they say, ‘What are we to do?’ And the first thing I always suggest is keep loving them. In the end, that is something you can always do. We have to have in mind the commandments of the Lord, which I’ll refer to as the law, and also the great commandment to love one another. And those will come into conflict when someone we associate with is not keeping the commandments, or keeping the law. And that makes it harder for us to associate with them and to love them. And yet if we love the individual and at the same time keep a tight hold on what we know to be our responsibilities to the law, it is possible to do so. …

“We should not start off our interaction with people who are making different choices than we desire by arguing about their choices. It’s better for us to start off talking about: Where are you coming from? What are your basic values? What do you want to accomplish? And then in that context we can explain that we are concerned about the Lord’s commandments because what’s important to us is to stay on the path to eternal life.

“We’re given commandments. When we obey those commandments, we are obedient. The consequence of being obedient to commandments is to put ourselves in harmony with the eternal law that permits us to grow and progress toward eternal life. The Savior commanded His followers to ‘love one another; as I have loved you’ (John 13:34). So we look at how He loved us. He sacrificed Himself for us. He was concerned always with the individual. He had a wonderful outreach for people. I think those are all indicators of how we can love one another like He loved us. If we make Him our role model, we should always be trying to reach out to include everyone” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Love and Law,” ChurchofJesusChrist.org).

Divine love does not excuse sin—“I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance”—but is anxious to forgive: “Nevertheless, he that repents and does the commandments of the Lord shall be forgiven” (Doctrine and Covenants 1:31–32). In like manner, we should yield no ground in living and defending the commandments of God, but to mirror fully the love of God, we must also love one another so openly and completely that no one can feel abandoned or alone or hopeless.

Talking about Depression and Suicide

Feelings of depression are real and can be overwhelming and debilitating. Often, professional counseling and medical care can help people deal with depression. When feelings of depression turn to suicidal thoughts, it is critical to have someone to talk to. People who are suicidal are in significant physical, mental, or emotional pain; are often isolated; and may feel they have no hope for the future. They may feel there is no other way to end the crippling pain except through taking their own life. Thoughts of death by suicide are often contemplated, considered, and reconsidered before any attempt is made. During this period of contemplation, intervention can save a life.

Preventing suicide starts with recognizing the warning signs. For a list of warning signs, please visit the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention.

If it appears someone may be at risk, the best thing one can do is talk to them about it. It may seem awkward or presumptuous, but people who are depressed often desperately need someone to talk to, someone to help them process thoughts and feelings. These conversations may be difficult, but they are critical in reducing the feelings of isolation and hopelessness that can lead to suicide. If it appears that a person is at immediate risk of attempting suicide, call the national suicide prevention lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Crisis Help Lines, ChurchofJesusChrist.org