“Chapter 18: Happiness in Marriage,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Thomas S. Monson (2020)
“Chapter 18,” Teachings: Thomas S. Monson
Chapter 18
Happiness in Marriage
“Choose a companion carefully and prayerfully; and when you are married, be fiercely loyal one to another.”
From the Life of Thomas S. Monson
When President Thomas S. Monson was a young man, he was surprised to learn of a close connection between his family and the family of the girl he was dating, Frances Beverly Johnson, whom he later married. He related:
“My father’s father came from Sweden, and his wife from England. … They were married in the Salt Lake Temple, and he wrote in his journal, ‘Today is the happiest day of my life. My sweetheart and I were married for time and eternity in the holy temple.’
“Three days later, on April 23, 1898, he wrote, ‘Took the train at the Rio Grande Western Depot enroute eventually to Scandinavia, where I have been called as a missionary.’ Off he went to Sweden, leaving his bride of three days.
“His journal, written in pencil, came to me from an uncle who somehow chose me to receive his father’s journal. The most frequent entry in the journal was, ‘My feet are wet.’ But the most beautiful entry said: ‘Today we went to the Jansson [later changed to Johnson] home. We met Sister Jansson. She had a lovely dinner for us. She is a good cook.’ And then he said, ‘The children all sang or played a harmonica or did a little dance, and then she paid her tithing. Five krona for the Lord and one for my companion, Elder Ipson, and one for me.’ And then there were listed the names of the children.
“When I read that in the journal, there was my wife’s father’s name as one [of the children] who was in that household, one who probably sang a song, one who became the father of only one daughter, the girl whom I married.”
President Monson recounted the following experience when he went to pick up Frances for their first date:
“The first day I saw Frances, I knew I’d found the right one. The Lord brought us together later, and I asked her to go out with me. I went to her home to call on her. She introduced me, and her father said, ‘“Monson”—that’s a Swedish name, isn’t it?’
“I said, ‘Yes.’
“He said, ‘Good.’
“Then he went into another room and brought out a picture of two missionaries with their top hats and their copies of the Book of Mormon.
“‘Are you related to this Monson,’ he said, ‘Elias Monson?’
“I said, ‘Yes, he’s my grandfather’s brother. He too was a missionary in Sweden.’
Hearing this, Frances’s father began to weep. While his family still lived in Sweden, they had enjoyed many visits from Elder Elias Monson. Frances’s father “kissed me on the cheek,” President Monson later recalled, “and then her mother cried, and she kissed me on the other cheek. And then I looked around for Frances. She said, ‘I’ll go get my coat.’”1
Tom and Frances were married in October 1948. During the April 2008 general conference—President Monson’s first as President of the Church—he spoke these words of gratitude for Sister Monson and her lifetime of service and support:
“I thank my Father in Heaven for my sweet companion, Frances. This October she and I will celebrate 60 wonderful years of marriage. Although my Church service began at an early age, she has never once complained when I’ve left home to attend meetings or to fulfill an assignment. For many years my assignments as a member of the Twelve took me away from Salt Lake City often—sometimes for five weeks at a time—leaving her alone to care for our small children and our home. Beginning when I was called as a bishop at the age of 22, we have seldom had the luxury of sitting together during a Church service. I could not have asked for a more loyal, loving, and understanding companion.”2
After many years of health challenges, Sister Monson died on May 17, 2013. A few months later, in a general Relief Society meeting, President Monson lovingly described what she meant to him: “She was a faithful daughter of our Heavenly Father, my beloved companion, and my dearest friend. I miss her more than words can express.”3
“Our most cherished friend is our partner in marriage.”
Teachings of Thomas S. Monson
1
Happiness abounds when there is genuine respect between husband and wife.
Our most cherished friend is our partner in marriage. This old world would be so much better off today if kindness and deference were daily a reflection of our gratitude for wife, for husband.4
Happiness abounds when there is genuine respect one for another. Wives draw closer to their husbands, and husbands are more appreciative of their wives, and children are happy, as children are meant to be.5
People who marry in the hope of forming a permanent partnership require certain skills and attitudes of mind. They must be skillful in adapting to each other. They need capacity to work out mutual problems. They need willingness to give and take in the search for harmony. They need unselfishness of the highest sort, with thought for one’s partner taking the place of desire for oneself.6
President Howard W. Hunter said this about marriage: “Being happily and successfully married is generally not so much a matter of marrying the right person as it is being the right person.” I like that. “The conscious effort to do one’s part fully is the greatest element contributing to success” [The Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, ed. Clyde J. Williams (1997), 130].7
Ever shall I remember a visit to the home of President Hugh B. Brown [of the First Presidency]. It was graduation day at Brigham Young University. He was to conduct the exercises, and I was to deliver the commencement address. I drove to President Brown’s home and escorted him to my car. Before we could drive away, however, he said to me, “Wait just a few minutes. My wife, Zina, will come to the front window.”
I glanced at the window, noted that the curtain had parted, and saw Zina Brown sitting in her wheelchair, affectionately waving a small, white handkerchief toward the gaze of her smiling husband. President Brown reached into his jacket pocket, retrieved a white handkerchief, and began to wave it gently, much to the delight of his wife. We then inched away from the curb and commenced the journey to Provo.
“What is the significance of the white-handkerchief waving?” I asked.
He replied, “Zina and I have followed that custom since we were first married. It is somewhat a symbol between us that all will be well throughout the day until we are again together at eventide.”8
2
In marriage, husband and wife walk side by side as a son and a daughter of God.
Brethren, let’s treat our wives with dignity and with respect. They’re our eternal companions. Sisters, honor your husbands. They need to hear a good word. They need a friendly smile. They need a warm expression of true love.9
I have always loved the words frequently quoted by President David O. McKay … : “Woman was taken out of man—not out of his feet to be trampled underfoot, but out of his side to be equal to him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved.”
But the thought that never fails to stir my soul is the simple and sage advice: “Men should take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears.”10
In marriage neither partner is superior nor inferior to the other. You walk side by side as a son and a daughter of God.11
“In marriage neither partner is superior nor inferior to the other.”
3
Remembering marriage covenants can help in times of marital stress.
If any of you are having difficulty in your marriage, I urge you to do all that you can to make whatever repairs are necessary, that you might be as happy as you were when your marriage started out. We who are married in the house of the Lord do so for time and for all eternity, and then we must put forth the necessary effort to make it so. I realize that there are situations where marriages cannot be saved, but I feel strongly that for the most part they can be and should be. Do not let your marriage get to the point where it is in jeopardy.12
Many years ago in the ward over which I presided as the bishop, there lived a couple who often had very serious, heated disagreements. I mean real disagreements. Each of the two was certain of his or her position. Neither one would yield to the other. When they weren’t arguing, they maintained what I would call an uneasy truce.
One morning at 2:00 a.m. I had a telephone call from the couple. They wanted to talk to me, and they wanted to talk right then. I dragged myself from bed, dressed, and went to their home. They sat on opposite sides of the room, not speaking to each other. The wife communicated with her husband by talking to me. He replied to her by talking to me. I thought, “How in the world are we going to get this couple together?”
I prayed for inspiration, and the thought came to me to ask them a question. I said, “How long has it been since you have been to the temple and witnessed a temple sealing?” They admitted it had been a very long time. They were otherwise worthy people who held temple recommends and who went to the temple and did ordinance work for others.
I said to them, “Will you come with me to the temple on Wednesday morning at 8:00? We will witness a sealing ceremony there.”
In unison they asked, “Whose ceremony?”
I responded, “I don’t know. It will be for whoever is getting married that morning.”
On the following Wednesday at the appointed hour, we met at the Salt Lake Temple. The three of us went into one of the beautiful sealing rooms, not knowing a soul in the room except Elder ElRay L. Christiansen, then an Assistant to the Quorum of the Twelve, a General Authority position which existed at that time. Elder Christiansen was scheduled to perform a sealing ceremony for a bride and groom in that very room that morning. I am confident the bride and her family thought, “These must be friends of the groom” and that the groom’s family thought, “These must be friends of the bride.” My couple were seated on a little bench with about a full two feet (0.6 m) of space between them.
Elder Christiansen began by providing counsel to the couple who were being married, and he did so in a beautiful fashion. He mentioned how a husband should love his wife, how he should treat her with respect and courtesy, honoring her as the heart of the home. Then he talked to the bride about how she should honor her husband as the head of the home and be of support to him in every way.
I noticed that as Elder Christiansen spoke to the bride and the groom, my couple moved a little closer together. Soon they were seated right next to one another. What pleased me is that they had both moved at about the same rate. By the end of the ceremony, my couple were sitting as close to each other as though they were the newlyweds. Each was smiling.
We left the temple that day, and no one ever knew who we were or why we had come, but my friends were holding hands as they walked out the front door. Their differences had been set aside. I had not had to say one word. You see, they remembered their own wedding day and the covenants they had made in the house of God. They were committed to beginning again and trying harder this time around.13
As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, [we are to revere] sacred covenants … , and faithfulness to them is a requirement for happiness. Yes, I speak of the covenant of baptism, the covenant of the priesthood, and the covenant of marriage.14
“We who are married in the house of the Lord do so for time and for all eternity, and then we must put forth the necessary effort to make it so.”
4
A successful marriage requires commitment.
As a small boy, I enjoyed visiting the home of my grandmother … in Salt Lake City. Grandmother was always so happy to see us and to draw us close to her. Seated on her lap, we listened as she read to us.
Her youngest son, my Uncle Ray, and his wife occupied that same home after my grandmother passed away. On a visit to see my Uncle Ray … just before he passed away, I noticed that the fireplug on the curb seemed small compared to its size when I climbed its lofty heights those long years ago. The friendly porch was the same; the quiet, peaceful atmosphere not altered. Hanging on the kitchen wall was a framed expression which my aunt had embroidered many years ago. It carried a world of practical application: “Choose your love; love your choice.” Very often this will take compromise, forgiveness, perhaps apology. We must ever be committed to the success of our marriage.15
I believe the saddest and most discouraging responsibility I have each week is the handling of cancellations of sealings. Each one was preceded by a joyous marriage in the house of the Lord, where a loving couple was beginning a new life together and looking forward to spending the rest of eternity with each other. And then months and years go by, and for one reason or another, love dies. It may be the result of financial problems, lack of communication, uncontrolled tempers, interference from in-laws, entanglement in sin. There are any number of reasons. In most cases divorce does not have to be the outcome. …
Choose a companion carefully and prayerfully; and when you are married, be fiercely loyal one to another. … Commitment in marriage is absolutely essential.16
Let us not be discouraged by the many … accounts of discord—and sometimes cruelty—between companions and assume that virtue has vanished and love’s lamp no longer glows. Two of my dearest friends [are] in poor health and helpless. They are not alone. Their faithful companions minister to them in tender love. My friend Pres, who rarely leaves the side of his wife, said of her, “Christine is weaker but still beautiful. I love her so.” What a noble tribute to fidelity, to love, to marriage!17
You will not be able to anticipate every challenge which may arise, but be assured that almost anything can be worked out if you are resourceful and if you are committed to making your marriage work. … If you are committed to the success of your marriage, there is nothing in this life which will bring you greater happiness.18
Suggestions for Study and Teaching
Questions
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President Monson stated that in marriage, “happiness abounds when there is genuine respect one for another” (section 1). What can the story of President and Sister Brown teach us? What are some keys to a husband and wife learning to adapt to each other? What are some keys to learning how to work out problems? Why is “unselfishness of the highest sort” necessary in marriage?
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President Monson taught, “In marriage neither partner is superior nor inferior to the other” (section 2). How can spouses apply this principle in their marriage? What are the consequences of one spouse feeling superior or inferior? If you are married, consider what you might do to more fully show your love to your spouse.
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How can President Monson’s counsel in section 3 help in times of marital stress? How does making, keeping, and reflecting on marriage covenants strengthen a marriage? What are some other ways to strengthen a marriage?
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How can husbands and wives show loyalty to each other? (See section 4.) How can they improve their communication? What have you learned about how a husband and wife can find greater happiness together?
Related Scriptures
Genesis 2:21–24; Matthew 19:3–6; 1 Corinthians 11:11; Doctrine and Covenants 42:22; 49:15–16; 132:18–19
Study Help
“Your gospel study is most effective when you are taught by the Holy Ghost. Always begin your gospel study by praying for the Holy Ghost to help you learn” (Preach My Gospel [2004], 18).