“What can you do for a friend who suddenly falls away?” New Era, Mar. 1979, 36–37
“What can you do for a friend who has had a strong testimony and been very active in the Church but who suddenly falls away?”
Answer/Sister Karen Lynn
You’d like to think it could never happen. After all, part of that secure, comfortable existence that you value so much is the Church activity you share with the people you love and trust. But then one day—maybe without warning, or maybe as the culmination of a gradual dropping away from the Church—you find that your friend is no longer attending meetings, no longer acknowledging his testimony, and no longer sharing in the life of your ward or branch.
No two people ever become inactive for exactly the same reasons. While one may drop out simply because he was offended by the remark of a ward member, another may be struggling with deep conflicts that are very real to him. To find and help solve the problem is never an easy task. But whatever the difficulties may be, a friend—your friend—has become inactive, and you want to do whatever you can. Here are some suggestions to help you decide what your role might be.
1. If it’s at all possible, continue to be a friend to your friend.
Listen with understanding. If your friend is willing to tell you about the causes of his inactivity, let him talk without judging him immediately. If you reflect his feelings back to him in a way that shows concern and understanding, you may be helping him back into activity. The very process of talking through his problems may reveal to him how unsubstantial his doubts really are. Be willing to talk; even though the subject may be awkward, it’s just as awkward to pretend his inactivity doesn’t exist when in fact both of you are worried about it. (Remember, of course, that if the problems are extremely serious, you have neither the wish nor the authority to be the “listening ear” for confessions; that’s the bishop’s role.)
If you’re really friends, your friendship is likely to be based on more than Church associations. Maybe you help each other with shorthand homework, play chess together, or sit next to each other in the violin section of the school orchestra. Don’t let your friend’s inactivity ruin every phase of your friendship. Let him know you like him for himself. When he finally does decide to enter back into activity, it would be too bad if no friend were there to hold the door open and extend a welcoming hand.
Of course, there is always the possibility that instead of being just distracted from Church activity by other interests, your friend has actually replaced the friends and activities that were part of his former life. He may have drifted into inappropriate or sinful behavior, preferring new pastimes and associates that you know you just cannot go along with. It is not your responsibility to follow a friend, in the name of friendship, as he pursues goals and associations that you know are wrong. Particularly if the friend is a special friend of the opposite sex, you may feel that your strength, if you continue dating, will “reform” him (or her), but you must balance the possibility of reform against what might happen to you.
Suppose your friend invites you to become part of his new life-style. Since you now must set an example for him, the only right response to this invitation is blunt honesty—preferably honesty that leaves a better choice open to him: “You know I’m your friend, but you also know better than to give me that kind of invitation. I’ll call you next week about tennis.”
2. When you invite him to Church meetings and activities, make sure the invitation is for his sake and not just an expression of your own wishes and frustrations.
This is a hard one. After all, you don’t want your priesthood quorum percentages to go down; or maybe you’re having a hard time coping with your own loneliness at Church functions; or maybe you don’t want the embarrassment of having to explain to people that your best friend is no longer active. But genuine interest in his welfare and happiness is better than coaxing, better than nagging, and even better than a barrage of invitations and phone calls that might seem more like a Mutual class conspiracy than a gesture of love and welcome.
When you’re worried, tense, and anxious to help, you may have trouble expressing an invitation in a way that focuses on him rather than you. Let your manner say, “I love you and want you to do what’s right, but I respect your free agency. I will be delighted if you accept, but if you say no, you will not offend me, and you will not ruin our friendship.”
3. Pray to the Lord to help you, and pray to the Lord to help your friend.
Since no two people have the same needs and personalities, the inactivity of a friend is an occasion for sincere and thoughtful prayer. The Lord may guide you toward a line of action that is just the thing to renew your friend’s interest in the Church. Maybe your Mutual class can decide on a project that he will not be able to resist. Maybe you will sense that the right course is to drop the gentle tactics and confront him very boldly. (A friend of mine was startled back into activity when her usually mild-mannered sister exploded one Sunday morning: “Jane, your attitude is utter nonsense, and you know that as well as I do. Get ready for Sunday School right now!” She said later that everyone had been so understanding and tolerant that she had begun to think her inactivity didn’t really matter.)
Perhaps as the result of your prayers another person will come to mind, one who can work with you in re-activating your friend. A member of his family, the visiting teachers, the home teachers—someone he respects might have a new influence or some new suggestions. Working prayerfully, the two of you can decide how to go about this re-missionary work.
And without fail you will want to petition the Lord to touch your friend’s heart. Many young people, as the time arrives to go on a mission, or as they become parents and suddenly are concerned about the rearing of their own children, turn again to the teachings that have formed the framework of their earlier lives. Or your friend may finally realize that without question, he was happier in the days when he was living the commandments as an active member of the Lord’s church.
The power of the Lord is great. It’s wrong to give up hope. As you’re probably aware, some of the finest and strongest members of our church have gone through periods of trial and doubt and have returned as faithful and sensitive Saints. As the Savior reminded the Nephites, “Ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them.” (3 Ne. 18:32.)