“Forgiving Myself,” New Era, July 2015, 34–35
Forgiving Myself
Justice Pinter lives in Virginia, USA.
Others had forgiven me. Why couldn’t I do the same?
Illustration by Clayton Thompson
Over the years I’ve found that of everyone I need to forgive, the hardest to forgive is myself. One time I lied to my parents, and then one lie led to another until it became a giant web of lies and cover-ups. I felt guilty and generally unhappy, but I was too embarrassed to admit what I’d done. To make matters worse, instead of coming clean about my lies on my own, I got caught! It was hard to be around my parents because I knew they loved and trusted me, and I’d betrayed that trust.
Once it was all out in the open, I did feel some relief, but I just couldn’t seem to forgive myself. I was ashamed of my behavior and vowed to be honest from then on, no matter what. I didn’t want to disappoint myself or my parents anymore.
I knew my parents would be understanding and forgiving, and they were. They like to say, “Clean up the mess and let’s move forward,” which we did.
Once I set things right with my parents, I changed my habits to help me access the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ more than ever before. I fasted and prayed, particularly seeking to understand the Atonement better. I also tried to make scripture study a part of my everyday routine and to make it more meaningful. This meant making personal prayer a priority so that I was prepared to not only read the scriptures but also to understand them through the Spirit.
As I searched, I found answers and peace in the scriptures. I more fully understood that Jesus Christ atoned for my sins and that as I repented of them, He truly would “remember them no more” (D&C 58:42). Part of forgiving myself was being able to accept this great gift that Christ offered me. I realized He invites all of us to partake, but we actually have to be willing to accept it.
One day I was reading in Alma 22 where Aaron teaches the gospel to the king of the Lamanites and invites him to pray. I love what the king says when he prays: “I will give away all my sins to know thee [God]” (Alma 22:18). That phrase struck my heart with particular force at that time. As I recommitted myself to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ through repentance, I was able to forgive myself and feel peace again.
It took time, and it wasn’t easy, but by prioritizing and putting my personal prayer and scripture study first, I found comfort and felt the pure love of Christ through a greater understanding of what He did for me personally. When I realized that He loves me despite my mistakes, I felt the forgiveness He offers. I accepted His forgiveness and was able to forgive myself.