Digital Only: Young Adults
Experiencing Christ’s Power as an Amputee with Same-Sex Attraction
My life experiences have led me to understand how Christ can heal us—both physically and spiritually—through His Atonement.
It was a normal Friday. I was at work, driving a forklift as usual, when I suddenly lost control. There was hardly any noise when I crashed into the wall, but I felt a sudden, intense pain in my foot.
I looked down and realized my foot had been crushed between the wall and the forklift.
I started screaming for help, and I don’t remember much after that besides the sound of the ambulance siren and the anxiety of what was ahead.
At the hospital, I remember thinking there were too many nurses in the room. I was also terrified because I’m from Colombia and speak Spanish, and the nurses in the Utah hospital were speaking very quickly in English. I was having a hard time understanding them. Every second felt like an eternity. Yet I knew deep down that I was going to lose my foot, even before it was evaluated.
While waiting for a trauma surgeon, I thought about my nephew. He loved soccer, and I wanted to keep my foot to be able to play with him. And that was only one of many things I needed my foot for! After two surgeons evaluated my injury, they determined that the best way to reduce further complications was to amputate my foot. I knew it was the right decision, but I was devastated.
An Accident or a Punishment?
The next morning after surgery, life didn’t feel real. I had too many questions and too few answers. Yes, I was lucky to be alive, and the accident could have been much worse, but I also felt lost. My foot was gone, and I didn’t know what my life was going to be like from then on.
I spent 20 days in the hospital. My family and friends comforted and supported me through it, and I also started physical therapy and began the path to recovery and healing. I surprisingly had enough courage to accomplish a lot on that road to recovery in those 20 days, including starting to learn to walk with a prosthetic.
What I didn’t have the courage to do, though, was to pray. I felt like I couldn’t face God. I thought I was angry at Him, but in reality I was just ashamed of myself. In my mind, this whole “accident” seemed to be a punishment, partly because I had stopped going to church and I hadn’t been following His commandments, but mostly because I’ve experienced same-sex attraction for as long as I can remember. I mistakenly thought He was disappointed in and ashamed of me.
I was wounded both physically and spiritually.
When I was released from the hospital, my mental health suffered. Even though I had my family and friends around me, I still felt alone. I knew I needed Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in order to heal, but I struggled to make myself pray.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached my breaking point and was willing to kneel down and pray for the first time in so long. I sobbed as I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father. I asked Him questions and told Him my concerns until I was out of breath.
Gradually, a feeling of peace filled me. And these words came to my heart and mind: “All these things will be for your good to refine your character. It was just an accident.”
Seriously?
Was this really just an accident? Not a punishment? That answer made no sense to me. But after a few days of pondering, I knew it was true. I also knew that Heavenly Father loved me. He had been calling me back to His flock for so long, and I was finally ready to return. I decided to go back to church and began an incredible, spiritually healing process with my loving bishop, who helped me fully invite the peace the Savior offers into my life.
Peace in Place of Inadequacy
Coming back to the Church was not easy. For so long, I had so much shame about myself. But the more I came to understand my divine identity, the less ashamed I felt. I know now that my feelings toward women don’t make me a sinner, and my amputation doesn’t limit my worth. These qualities do give me a different perspective and play a role in my spiritual growth. I also know that my perspective can bless others in the gospel. Through the Savior’s grace, I have been able to confidently accept that I am a child of God. I am loved completely. And Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were, are, and will always be ready to bless me as I turn to Them. Always.
Losing my foot and being gay have both brought some unexpected difficulties to my life. Sometimes I don’t even want to get out of bed knowing that I have to use my prosthetic foot. Striving to keep all of Heavenly Father’s commandments can be difficult at times too. Although it’s not the choice of everyone who experiences same-sex attraction, my personal choice is to aim for an eternal companion. I sometimes have discouraging thoughts that no man will ever be interested in marrying me because of my circumstances, but I trust Heavenly Father to work out those details and bless me if I keep my covenants with Him.
The uncertainty of my future can be discouraging at times. I know that these thoughts of inadequacy and doubt come from Satan. By turning to Christ, I find so much peace and joy, and the strength I need to overcome these thoughts.
I now rely on God to direct my life. In this process, I’m also learning how to connect with both women and men in deeper, more meaningful ways within the bounds the Lord has set. He has helped me increase my trust that someday He will make it possible for me to find a man whom I can love and be sealed to. But whatever happens, I have learned to value who I am and to accept my life and trust in the blessings He has in store for me.
Our Wounds Can Bring Us Closer to the Savior
Throughout my life, I’ve learned that everyone faces difficult, unfair, and sometimes painful experiences that they don’t fully understand. We will all be wounded in some way. But now I also know that our individual experiences can bring us closer to the Savior and help us understand His limitless power in our lives.
Elder Neil L. Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “At a time of enormous suffering, the Lord told the Prophet Joseph, ‘All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.’ How can painful wounds be for our good? In the crucible of earthly trials, patiently move forward, and the Savior’s healing power will bring you light, understanding, peace, and hope.”1
For me, being an amputee and being attracted to women started out as painful experiences. But they have helped me come unto Christ, and He has brought me peace. I now understand that neither of these experiences makes me less of a person. Neither keeps me from obtaining all the blessings of the plan of salvation. And neither will prevent me from finding the true happiness that comes from following Jesus Christ and keeping His commandments the best that I can.
I really don’t know what will happen in my future or what other challenges I will have to face until I return to the presence of my Heavenly Father. But I do know this: Any challenge we face or wound we have—whether mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual—can be healed as we turn to the Savior. He can help us find hope and strength in our struggles on earth. And He has promised that on the day of Resurrection, our bodies, minds, and hearts will be healed completely (see Alma 42; 11:42–44).
I needed to heal from my feelings of shame and inadequacy regarding my same-sex attraction and also from the physical and mental repercussions of my amputation. And I have experienced Christ’s healing power and continue to daily as I choose Him. He has helped me love myself and find fulfillment in living His gospel. If you choose to follow Him and put your life in God’s hands, you will recognize refinement in yourself, guidance in all things, love, and true peace (see Alma 42:13).