Finding Answers: From Sister to Sister
How Can I Feel God’s Love When Mental Health Is a Constant Struggle?
Not feeling the joy of the gospel seemed to confirm in my mind that I wasn’t good enough. But as I turned to Heavenly Father and the Savior, I began to see things in a new light.
When I was young, I thought I was always supposed to be happy, and if I wasn’t, I was doing something wrong. Lessons at church seemed to imply that because true happiness comes from the gospel of Jesus Christ, everyone around me who was happy all the time was a better person than I was.
Over time, this notion led to my struggle with perfectionism and other mental health issues. Not feeling the joy of the gospel, for me, seemed to confirm in my mind that I wasn’t good enough, which made it even harder to feel the joy of the gospel—and even God’s love.
But as I have sought treatment for my mental health issues and striven to understand the promise of gospel joy and God’s love, I have gained a new, mature perspective of these blessings. I have continued to deepen my faith and understanding that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, even when I struggle to feel anything.
Seeing Evidence of God’s Love
As I was seeking the help of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ through my struggles, I was eventually able to recognize God’s love for me because of my trials.
My faith led me to cling to the gospel and learn all that I could, including the teaching that the Lord can make “weak things become strong” (Ether 12:27). I also learned that trials in this life enable us to become like our Heavenly Father and Savior and live with Them again.
Even though my perfectionism has made it more difficult for me to feel God’s love, I’ve come to recognize that His perfect love is there even when I don’t feel it. I have also been able to draw closer to Jesus Christ and better understand His Atonement and healing power. This is a blessing I don’t believe I could have gained in another way (see Doctrine and Covenants 122:7).
As Sister Reyna I. Aburto, Second Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency, taught, “Your struggles do not define you, but they can refine you.”1 And I have started to see my challenges as an opportunity to become like God, because they require me to turn to Christ and to look outward. Heavenly Father can help us turn our deepest challenges into the greatest opportunities for growth because He loves us and wants us to return to Him and feel joy.
Recognizing My Worth
For so long, I believed that because I wasn’t happy all the time even while living the gospel, I didn’t have enough faith or wasn’t as worthy as other people who did always feel joy and the Spirit. But as I’ve studied the nature of mental illnesses, I’ve realized that such illnesses have nothing to do with the strength of our faith or hope or worthiness.
When my mind is full of the obnoxious noise of anxiety or numbed by the presence of depression, the quiet, calming voice of the Spirit is difficult to hear. But that doesn’t mean that I’ve been abandoned or am unloved. Sister Aburto also taught: “If you are constantly surrounded by a ‘mist of darkness’ [see 1 Nephi 8:23; 12:4, 17; 3 Nephi 8:22], turn to Heavenly Father. Nothing that you have experienced can change the eternal truth that you are His child and that He loves you.”2
I was relieved when I learned that, in moments when I couldn’t quite detect God’s love, it was because of the cloud over me. It was not a reflection of my faith, my value, or my worthiness.
Trusting That He Will Lead Us into Light and Joy
Feeling the joy of the gospel all the time can be difficult for anyone, but especially for someone who is enduring a mental illness. Mortality will always test and try us. So even though we will experience the pure joy of the gospel from time to time, it’s unrealistic to expect that we will be happy constantly or that living the gospel will keep us from feeling sadness or other negative emotions.
So what do we do if we can’t feel God’s love or don’t experience the joy of the gospel? We trust in Him and keep taking steps of faith, which might include seeking professional help. Exercising faith despite being surrounded by darkness is choosing to believe that there is still light, acting to find it, and believing that it will surround you again.
Because I have faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and I rely on Christ’s Atonement, I have been able to feel happy and safe—despite times when my perfectionism tells me that I shouldn’t. I know Heavenly Father loves me, even when I have panic attacks or feel sad for no discernible reason. I know that He understands me, He will help me, and I can endure until He leads me out of the darkness and into light and joy again.