Life Skills
Learning to Understand and Process Your Emotions
Negative emotions aren’t inherently bad—we just need to know how to handle them.
When I was in high school, one of my seminary teachers had two young children. One day he told our class that after yet another instance of sibling rivalry, his four-year-old son had asked him, “Daddy, is it OK to be mad?”
I have asked myself similar questions about anger, as well as fear, disappointment, sorrow, guilt, and other emotions we usually consider to be negative. Sometimes we try to avoid dwelling on negative emotions because we believe we need to focus only on positive ones. But learning to feel all your emotions in a healthy way can help you learn more about God as well as yourself.
Learning from the Savior
When my teacher posed his son’s question to our class, we all seemed a bit conflicted as we weighed the options. Surely getting angry at someone is wrong because you may say or do something to hurt them. We all agreed on that. But sometimes our feelings of anger feel justified because we feel the need to rectify some sort of injustice. Is it wrong to feel these strong emotions?
The Church’s Emotional Resilience manual says that “emotions are a normal part of our mortal experience. ...
“The first step in managing emotions is becoming aware of them. …
“… Of course, we will all feel anger or hurt at times. Sometimes we are even justified in feeling these emotions. However, it is important for us to resolve these feelings if we want to better connect with the Lord and feel the Spirit.”1
So, yes, it is OK to feel emotions, even the negative ones. But what’s more important is becoming aware of them, understanding them, and learning to process them so we can continuously feel the influence of the Spirit. I learned three things that are important to evaluate when learning to understand and process emotions:
Taking Time
When you’re in a state of heightened emotion, it can be easy to want to act on feelings immediately. But it’s helpful to take time to reflect on your feelings to understand what exactly the emotion is. Removing yourself from a situation, practicing deep breathing, or going for a walk can help you cool down in the moment. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be less likely to act rashly or do something you might regret, and you’ll be able to understand the source of your feelings.
Recognizing the Source
Knowing the source of your emotions can help you decide how to handle them.
We can feel one emotion in multiple circumstances that each require different responses to that emotion. For example, when you feel afraid, it is sometimes related to a warning from the Holy Ghost. However, at other times, you could be afraid of the unknown future, and you might need to embrace that fear and take a step of faith.
So your fear can feel similar in both instances, but a warning from the Spirit is different from the trepidation in your heart. If you can determine the source of a feeling, you can know how best to act on it.
Deciding How to Act
When you have taken time to feel and process your emotions and recognize their source, you are in a better frame of mind to act on them appropriately. Maybe it’s OK to cry in this moment. Maybe you do need to calm down before continuing a conversation. Maybe your stress and anxiety are motivating you to reach a healthy goal, or maybe they’re detrimental to your well-being.
You can always pray to Heavenly Father to know how to act on a feeling. And if negative emotions feel too overwhelming or out of control, consider seeking guidance from a trusted friend, family member, Church leader, or mental health professional. As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught: “If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give. … Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation.”2
Our Connection with Deity
It is important to recognize that your emotions are not inherently bad. They may make you feel bad in that some don’t make you feel happy, but their existence is actually a very good thing. We have emotions because we are alive and because we are created in the image of God, with minds, bodies, and emotions. And we can turn to Him and Jesus Christ for help in learning to understand and process emotions in a healthy way.
Remember, the Savior took upon Himself all of your afflictions, which means He knows how you feel (see Alma 7:11–13). If an emotion feels too hard for you to bear, you can find comfort and strength in Him through seeking Him and the power of His Atonement. President M. Russell Ballard, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, recently said: “There is hope in the Lord Jesus Christ. There is hope for all in this life. There is hope to overcome our mistakes, our sorrows, our struggles, and our trials and our troubles. There is hope in repentance and being forgiven and in forgiving others.”3
Living in this fallen world, it’s normal for us to feel a wide range of emotions. Suppressing your emotions can be unhealthy, as can wallowing in certain feelings like grief. However, Heavenly Father wants us to continually strive to become aware of and resolve our difficult feelings in a healthy way so we can continue to feel the Spirit in our lives. As you take these steps and counsel with Heavenly Father in prayer for guidance on how to better understand and process emotions healthily, He will help you know how to better act on your feelings in a way that will bring you closer to Him.