From the Mission Field
A Service Mission Wasn’t for Me … or Was It?
I thought I had ruined God’s plan when I returned early from my mission. But I learned that He had another plan for me instead.
One morning, I went out for a run and passed by my friend’s house. He was currently serving a service mission. A thought came to my mind: “What if you were called to a service mission?” The thought stunned me for a second. I had already decided I wanted to go on a mission, but I wanted to share the gospel somewhere foreign and exciting. But then I thought, “You know, if that’s where the Lord needed me, then I’d do it.”
The thought didn’t cross my mind again.
I received my mission call to California, Spanish-speaking. While at the missionary training center (MTC), I completed all my assignments and focused on being completely obedient to the mission standards. However, I woke up with a pit in my stomach almost every morning. I felt anxiety that wouldn’t go away.
Soon I flew off to California and tried following every rule perfectly. I hid my mistakes so that I wouldn’t slow down the work or become a burden to my companions. I did all the things I was supposed to do, but I did not feel joy.
Things gradually got worse, and I felt that my faith was dwindling. I talked with my mission president about how much I was struggling, and he asked me if I had ever struggled with perfectionism.
What?
“I’m fine,” I thought. “I don’t have any mental health struggles. I’m just not a good missionary—I’m not doing enough.”
But my president recommended that I meet with a counselor. The counselor concluded that I was indeed suffering from perfectionism, which meant that my strict obedience was “born of fear rather than love—fear of shame, fear of failure, fear of punishment.” I was “setting expectations for [myself] beyond what the Lord has set and tormenting [myself] unnecessarily when [I didn’t] meet them.”1
Despite counseling, I wasn’t feeling better. I was withdrawn, I cried a lot, and I was constantly stressed. In my mind, I was not worthy of God’s love or the Savior’s redemption, and I wasn’t good enough to preach the gospel.
My mission president and I decided that it was time for me to return home. A few days after, I was on a plane, feeling brokenhearted.
This was not how my mission was supposed to turn out.
A New Plan
When I got home, I met with my stake president to discuss my options. He told me about a sister who had transferred home to do a service mission and suggested I could do one as well. I didn’t like the idea.
I felt like I had ruined my original plan and that this backup plan wasn’t as good. But I knew I was at rock bottom spiritually, and a little voice in my mind said, “This can help you work your way back up.” Later I went to sacrament meeting and felt prompted to do a service mission.
I called my stake president, and he told me that the service mission leaders were currently at the home of my friend I had run past several months earlier. He said that I could go over and meet them.
The service mission leaders were kind and welcoming when I arrived. They explained that they had been praying for a sister to come serve. I couldn’t help but feel in that moment that I was where I needed to be.
God Will Guide Us Where We Need to Be
I ended up doing missionary service on temple grounds, at food banks, in care centers, and so much more. I found that, as President Russell M. Nelson stated, “It really doesn’t matter where one serves. What the Lord cares about is how one serves.”2
My service mission taught me to rely on the Lord’s mercy and grace and to be open and honest when I need help. I learned that I will not achieve perfection in this life, but Jesus Christ will cover where I lack. I now see my mistakes as opportunities for growth, and I am better able to humbly correct them as needed.
I have learned to hear the voice of the Spirit, especially in the temple, and to hear what God has to say about me. I know He loves me and is pleased with my efforts and the progress I make each day.
Coming home early from my mission may not have been my original plan, but because I sought Heavenly Father’s guidance and was open to change, that change of plans brought me closer to Him through opportunities I never anticipated.
I know that even if our plans change unexpectedly, Heavenly Father will always guide us to where we need to be and toward what we need to learn. These experiences deepened my testimony and filled me with so much hope in Christ and the blessings that are in store for me.