Especially for Newlyweds
How to Support Your Spouse through Mental Health Struggles
I didn’t just want to help her get better; I wanted her to thrive.
Shortly after we got married, my wife started a job where she worked almost completely remotely. My wife also hadn’t worked a full-time job before, and the 40-hour work week was exhausting for her. With time, her seasonal depression became more overwhelming and almost debilitating to the point that even normal, daily activities became difficult.
It was difficult for me to watch her struggle. I didn’t know what to do. We’d only been married for about six months, and we were still trying to learn how to “care for each other.” I did my best, but things didn’t feel like they were getting better.
However, seasons changed, the sun came out more, and my wife slowly started to get better. She finished up her internship and has since been doing much better mentally.
While I couldn’t change my wife’s depression, I learned that I can make a difference in her life, and by extension, make a difference in our marriage. There were a few specific things I was able to do that helped her feel supported and loved through her struggle.
Marriage always requires a certain level of flexibility. As you read these ideas and even discuss needs with your spouse, be flexible in how you care for each other. Hopefully these things can help you as you care for your spouse when they struggle.
Their Physical Needs
There’s a lot you can do to help your spouse physically. Cooking, cleaning, and other physical responsibilities might be beyond your spouse’s ability while they’re struggling. You may need to take on more responsibilities, or you might talk about how you can divide up household tasks between the two of you.
Encouraging your spouse to take care of their physical health is one of the most beneficial things you can do. I invited my wife to go on walks with me and took a larger role in preparing healthy foods for us to eat. “Your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you” (see 1 Corinthians 6:19), and just as we take time to maintain and take care of temples, it can be very helpful if your spouse is eating properly, hydrating, exercising, taking breaks when needed, and getting enough sleep. Encourage them, but try not to offend them or push them too hard.
When we take care of our physical bodies, other parts of our lives improve as well.
Their Mental and Emotional Needs
Knowing how you can impact your spouse’s mental and emotional health is sometimes more difficult than supporting their physical health. Many times, you won’t know exactly how to attend to your spouse’s mental or emotional needs. But there are still things that you can do to help them.
When we thought my wife could use some extra support and tools to help her manage depression, I encouraged her to talk with a mental health professional. My wife was very hesitant about going to therapy but found it very helpful. She only attended a few sessions (that was all she needed) and was extremely grateful that she did.
Therapy was only one of the things that helped us in our journey toward getting better. Developing friendships and relationships with people around us helped us connect with people who were also struggling. It helped us feel less alone.
Their Spiritual Needs
Sometimes things like daily scripture study and daily prayer—the spiritually strengthening habits—get forgotten when we’re facing mental health issues. But our connection to God can be a powerful support to us when we’re struggling. I had to take on a greater role to help us maintain the habits of scripture study and prayer that we had developed before my wife began struggling. As we maintained our connection to God, we learned to be more dependent on each other and more dependent on the Lord.
When my wife was struggling, we also made a greater effort to attend the temple frequently. The peace we felt there was empowering and strengthening. We can affirm President Russell M. Nelson’s promise that “nothing will help you more to hold fast to the iron rod than worshipping in the temple as regularly as your circumstances permit. … Nothing will bolster your testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ and His Atonement or help you understand God’s magnificent plan more. Nothing will soothe your spirit more during times of pain. Nothing will open the heavens more. Nothing!”
Your Needs
Through all of my wife’s struggles, I still had schoolwork to do and other responsibilities to take care of. I took a lot on myself, including a lot of stress. I became increasingly anxious and ended up facing my own mental health difficulties. I met with a therapist, which in turn helped me support my wife, who encouraged me to get the help I needed.
All of this to say, don’t forget to take care of yourself as you’re taking care of your spouse. Your needs aren’t less important because your spouse is currently struggling more; in fact, you’ll be able to take better care of your spouse if you’re taking care of yourself.
I also asked my wife’s sisters and some of our friends to help me take care of my wife when she was struggling. Remember that you don’t have to meet all your spouse’s needs alone. With your spouse’s permission, you can also invite others (family, friends, neighbors) to help share the load.
Mental health issues are a common part of life, and many people experience them at some point in their lives. Please know that God knows and understands perfectly what you and your spouse are going through. He wants you and your spouse to not only survive but to thrive. He loves you and will guide you as you strive to support and take care of your spouse.