Principles for Parents: For the Strength of Youth Guide
2024 BYU Women’s Conference
Friday, May 3, 2024
President Steven J. Lund
We are so pleased to be able to speak with you all today about things that are important to us. And that you are here when there are so many other great places in this conference that you could be tells us that these things are important to you too.
Back a few years ago, one of our first realizations as a new Young Men General Presidency was that we were not going to be able to do this—we were not going to be able to realize the full promise of the new youth program of the Church without you—without the enthusiasm of the women of the Church.
So early on, we consulted with board members from the Primary and the Relief Society and the Young Women general advisory councils. We described our dilemma: that the Children and Youth program had just launched and immediately contracted COVID-19, which hurled us into a new reality of remote leadership and training. It curtailed our normal patterns of fellowshipping and serving and training.
Worst of all, we sensed that some parents were actually asking themselves whether efforts spent with the Children and Youth program amounted to the highest and best use of their kids’ time compared to alternatives such as extra time with homework or extracurricular after-school programs or tennis or music or dance or piccolo.
With that background, we asked these mentor moms the questions, “How should we talk to mothers and fathers about this? How do we help mothers to see the value of this program as we try to help them to help their children?”
Without a pause, Sister Salote Tukuafu from the Primary general advisory council said, “You can’t.”
We said, “What? We can’t what?”
She said, “Persuade mothers.”
We were concerned. We said, “But won’t we have to? Can we succeed without them?”
She doubled down. She said, “No. No. You still can’t. The women of the Church,” she said, “are already overburdened, stretched, and not getting enough sleep. If you come in with something more for them to do, they may or may not be polite to you, but they won’t hear you.” And then she said this. She said, “We are going to have to tell them.”
We said, “You?”
She said, “Yes. They are going to have to hear it from us—from other mothers. This program is inspired, and it will work. It will make our children into leaders. It will build them into resilient human beings. It will connect them with men and women of faith who will be role models. It will help them to know the Savior. And when all that happens, then mothers will start telling mothers that the Children and Youth program is bringing their kids to Christ, and that is all they will need to hear.”
Well, it has played out pretty much as she predicted.
Still, new challenges always loom, and we continue to pray for the Lord’s inspiration for how to best support mothers and fathers and youth in learning and teaching how to make righteous choices.
There is an old Chinese curse, and blessing, that says, “May you live in interesting times.”
Well, today’s youth are subject to that blessing and to that curse. These are certainly interesting times—times prophesied about in scripture, perhaps most clearly in Isaiah, where he said, “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness.”
The “them” that he speaks of were not unique to their time. Such people, those “them” who lived in Isaiah’s time must have had a lot of grandchildren whose grandchildren today run blogs and social media accounts and who use that same game plan that he was talking of then as they post and teach and sing to our children.
Ours is the most proselytized generation in the history of the world. The internet is aflame with jostlings for young people’s attentions: for their money, for their minds, for their hearts, and for their very souls. Everybody has got a handheld device that comes with on-tap, bottomless streams that contain and include not only mindless distractions but also some of the most insidious ideas known to history, and all of that always within arm’s length. They are no longer simply contending with temptations from their buddies who have come across a pack of cigarettes or some nasty pictures, but instead they are up against the science of manipulation and persuasion personalized through the compulsive whisperings of the algorithms.
Young Joseph Smith contended with what he called a “war of words and tumult of opinions” over religion, which he said were “great and incessant.” Now, from those descriptors of a society driving him to distraction, can you see how the teenagers of our time facing the same societal abuses—but on steroids—may feel as bewildered as did young Joseph? Joseph’s early life in the “burned-over” district of New York seems pretty mild compared to the scorched-earth moral landscape that our kids now roam.
They are growing up on “ground zero” of the culture wars, where truth—and even the very existence of truth—is casually denied.
In 1820, when Joseph went into the woods to ask the question “Which church is true?” he was asking a different question than is being asked today.
Today’s youth are not often asking that question. Instead, they are asking, “Which is the best place for me to find happiness?” And for them the Church may be an option that they may be willing to consider, but they are being proselytized onto many paths that promise “lo here, and lo there” a happier life. Our children are contending with a near-whiteout blizzard of ideologies and lifestyle choices and philosophies of men, only occasionally even mingled with scripture.
It was into this world that the new For the Strength of Youth: A Guide for Making Choices was born.
In previous, simpler times, most of the deceptions of the day, those hurtful but nevertheless intriguing choices, could be dealt with individually in the way that a targeting antibiotic deals with a targeted germ. But today’s handheld technology–driven culture brings forward a nearly infinite range of choices that are germ-like in that they are ever-changing and morphing and able to become ever more intriguing and more appealing. Today’s youth need more than a checklist of dos and don’ts. They need a broad spectrum Urim And Thummim for making choices.
So For the Strength of Youth: A Guide for Making Choices is more than a values book; it is a lifestyle guide. It is an approach for making choices and life decisions that will keep us and them centered on the Lord’s covenant path.
The pattern is a simple one. When facing a decision, rather than having the book list what they can and cannot do, the guide encourages them and us to learn what the Lord has said about that choice that is being considered—what He said through his prophets, ancient and modern. What do parents and Church leaders say about it?
With that inspired background, then we can follow Joseph Smith’s example and go to the Lord and knock—and ask His guidance. By following the promptings of the Spirit that follow, good decisions will be made.
The guide provides a wonderful context for making these decisions.
It starts with a letter from the First Presidency of the Church, bearing a powerful testimony. It reads, in part:
“We know God lives. It is our prayer that you will stay firmly on the covenant path that leads back to your Father in Heaven. As you do, you will be an influence for good, sharing the gospel joyfully and preparing the world for the Second Coming of the Savior.”
The guide’s preface teaches that:
“Your Father in Heaven trusts you. … He knows you can make a difference in the world, and that requires, in many cases, being different from the world.”
Six powerful lenses are then provided through which decisions may be viewed and better understood and through which a lifetime of good decisions can be perceived.
To teach them clearly, each of these lenses is presented from several perspectives:
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Eternal truths
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Promised blessings
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Questions and answers
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Applicable temple recommend questions
It’s good to teach to the test sometimes, even here at BYU. The guide begins with a promise. It says, “Jesus Christ will help you.”
That’s the first chapter. It connects that promise with that big question of the day—“Where can I best find joy?”—teaching that “Jesus Christ is your strength. He has done everything necessary for you to have joy in this life and forever. By choosing Him and His gospel, you are choosing eternal joy.”
The next section counsels about making good decisions. It says, “Love God, love your neighbor.”
It teaches there that “your relationship with God will deepen as you express your love by obeying His commandments and keeping your covenants with Him.”
Next, we learn to “walk in God’s light” by listening to and following the prompting of the Holy Ghost.
“Heavenly Father has given you access to heavenly light—the gift of the Holy Ghost—to help you see clearly what is good and bad, right and wrong.”
Another section teaches that “your body is sacred.”
It says, “As you make decisions about your clothing, hairstyle, and appearance, ask yourself, ‘Am I honoring my body as a sacred gift from God?’ Heavenly Father wants us to see each other for who we really are: not just physical bodies but His beloved children with a divine destiny.”
I love these words in the section entitled “The Truth Will Make You Free,” where it says, “Living with integrity means that you love truth with all your heart—more than you love personal comfort, popularity, or convenience. It means doing what is right simply because it is right.”
Then we finish where we started, with the chapter entitled “Find Joy in Christ,” where it teaches: “Of all possible choices, the one that matters most is the choice to follow Jesus Christ. He is the strength of youth. His gospel is the joyful way back to your Heavenly Father.”
The booklet has a ready-reference appendix containing the youth themes, the Ten Commandments, the temple recommend questions, and an index of topics.
These learnings are intended to equip our youth with the perspective they need to discern truth and to crave righteous living.
And with that, I give you Bradley Wilcox. Let’s give him a real warm reception. He’s not used to talking to large groups of people, and he gets a little shy.
Brother Bradley R. Wilcox
Steve Lund just talked to you about joy, and it is a joy for us to be able to serve together. Mike Nelson, Steve Lund, and I have become dear friends and brothers in this cause.
I also can’t come to women’s conference without thinking of my own mom, who used to come sometimes to hear me speak. She’s passed away now, but I have another mom who’s here, and that’s Sister Janice Kapp Perry. Her son, Steve Perry, was my best friend growing up, and so he spent time in my home, and I spent time in his home. Steve and I were the first ones to sing some of Sister Perry’s very first songs that were written: “I’ll Follow Jesus,” “Where Is Heaven?,” and so many of the other songs that she has written.
I walked in today feeling a little nervous because I was a little late. My wife always says, “Brad, you’re always late but worth the wait.” So I came in a little late, and I was feeling nervous, and who came up to greet me but my second mother, Sister Perry. And I’m just so grateful for her, for her family, and for her influence in the Church and for her influence in my life. Jan, thank you. I love you.
Well, as we speak about rules, we have to remember that there is nothing wrong with rules, laws, commandments. They help families and societies function. Just think of countries that do not function well because governments are corrupt or nonexistent and people struggle to survive amid anarchy and chaos. Such situations are heartbreaking. So parents in homes have every right to say, “In this home we have a curfew” and “In this family we dress modestly.” The For the Strength of Youth guide does not mean that we don’t have rules. It is simply a shift to invite us to move from an only rule-based instruction to principle-centered discussions.
When I taught sixth grade, I tried to help the children make that shift at school. On the first day of school I said, “I want each of you to write five rules for the classroom, five rules for recess, five rules for the halls, and five rules for the lunchroom.” The students all had no problem coming up with their lists. Once I gathered their papers, I held up them up and said, “This tells me that after six years in school, you know the rules! Now let’s talk about the reason for the rules: they are to help us teach and learn in a safe and orderly manner.”
Believe it or not, my class of 36 sixth graders (yes, I taught in Utah) actually got it. Throughout the year when things got out of control, I would ask, “Why are we here in school?” And some kid would say, “We are here to teach and learn.” Then I would ask, “Is what’s going on right now helping us do that?” They would say, “No.” And we would try again.
Now, if sixth graders at school can get it, then so can youth at home and church. After the FSY guide was first introduced by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf in October general conference of 2022, my friend’s son came home from high school and said, “I’m going to get a tattoo!” Listen to the conversation that followed:
Father: “Why would you do that?”
Son: “Because Elder Uchtdorf said it is OK.”
Father: “Really? When did he say that?”
Son: “In conference.”
Father: “How do you know? You didn’t even listen to conference.”
Son: “Well, it’s on social media. Everyone is posting about it.”
Father (sarcastically): “Oh, that’s a great idea. Let’s listen to what people are saying on social media instead of listening to prophets!”
Son: [blank stare]
Father: “Don’t you think you should find out what Elder Uchtdorf really said?”
The young man agreed, and they listened to the talk together. In it, Elder Uchtdorf said:
“The Lord is not saying, ‘Do whatever you want.’
“He is saying, ‘Let God prevail.’
“He is saying, ‘Come follow me.’
“He is saying, ‘Live in a holier, higher, more mature way.’”
The son wisely and thankfully decided not to get the tattoo.
God’s people have always had a hard time moving up to higher laws. The law of Moses said, “Thou shalt not kill.” Jesus taught to not even be “angry with [your] brother.” So do we say, “Well, I’m glad I can kill him now. It doesn’t say I can’t kill him. It just says I can’t do it when I’m angry”? No! We don’t say that.
The law of Moses said, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” Jesus said to not even let “lust … enter into your heart.” So do we say, “Oh good! Now I can commit adultery. I just can’t do it lustfully”? No!
It’s time for our youth to step up to the higher law. It’s time for us to help them raise their sights and find the reasons for the rules. When God and Jesus Christ came to Joseph Smith in the First Vision, it was not to restore rules. The Ten Commandments made it through the Apostasy. What had been lost were the reasons to keep the rules. Those reasons are found in the plan of salvation and in the fulness of the gospel. That’s what was lost. And that’s the source of the principles found in the FSY guide. The guide is not just a book of rules. It is a book of reasons. Consider the following questions and answers:
Question: Your Latter-day Saint culture is so perfectionistic. There are so many high expectations. How do you deal with that?
Answer: Because I know that “Jesus Christ will help [me].”
Question: Why do you go to church every Sunday? Why do you pay tithing and fast offerings? Why do you serve a mission?
Answer: Because I “love God” and I “love [my] neighbor.”
Question: Everyone knows that pornography is just harmless adult entertainment. Why don’t you view porn?
Answer: Because I want to “walk in God’s light.”
Question: Sex outside of marriage is OK if you love the person. Why are you waiting until you are married?
Answer: Because “[my] body is sacred.”
Question: It’s a self-evaluation. Why don’t you just lie and say you read the book even though you didn’t?
Answer: Because the “truth will make [me] free.”
Do you see how the principles are the answers? Do you see how these are the wonderful answers? Parents say, “What do I say when my kid says, ‘Why shouldn’t I have three piercings?’ I used to say, ‘Because the prophet said so.’ But what do I say now?” Find the answers in the For the Strength of Youth principles.
Have you ever noticed how many people know our Latter-day Saint rules? Sometimes they don’t even know we are Christian, but they know we don’t drink coffee! It’s time that our youth stop being known only by what they can and can’t do because they are members of the Church. It is time that they are known because of the reasons they choose to be disciples of Jesus Christ.
In the March issue of the For the Strength of Youth magazine, which was given to every teenager in the Church, I hope young people read some beautiful articles about how Christ can be their strength. If they didn’t, you read it to them or leave a copy where they can find it.
In it, Elder Uchtdorf wrote:
“People might know that you don’t drink or smoke or use other harmful drugs. But do they know that you make these choices because Jesus Christ taught that ‘your body is sacred,’ ‘an amazing gift from your Heavenly Father’? [For the Strength of Youth, 22–23]. …
“Your friends might know that you won’t cheat or lie and that you take education seriously. But do they know that this is because Jesus Christ taught that ‘the truth will make you free’? [For the Strength of Youth, 30; see also John 8:32].
“Most of all, do your friends know that you make these sometimes unpopular choices to stay true to Christ’s standards because you know that ‘Jesus Christ is your strength’? [For the Strength of Youth, 7].”
That’s the goal. And we can do it because, as Elder Uchtdorf also has taught, “Jesus Christ is the strength of parents.”
Now Brother Nelson is going to bring us home.
Brother Michael T. Nelson
I have no authority to do this, so I won’t, but it would sure be fun to have Sister Perry come up and talk about what Brother Wilcox was like as a youth. We’ll have to save that for another day.
Charles Dickens’s inspired story A Christmas Carol has had a profound impact for two centuries. Its messages are relevant even today, especially for parents and leaders of the Church.
In one scene, the solitary old miser, Scrooge, is jerked out of a troubled sleep by a bell tolling. It is the second time in one night that his rest has been interrupted. A jolly spirit invites the bewildered Scrooge to join him for a walk through the world. Before the benevolent spirit leaves, he shows Scrooge two destitute and forsaken children. Horrified, Scrooge asks, “Spirit! Are they yours?”
The spirit replies, “They are Man’s. … This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware of them both, … but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased.”
We cannot choose to remain in ignorance and still become like our Heavenly Father. It is through learning and living the same laws He does that we become like Him. To live these truths, we must seek and understand them.
Elder John C. Pingree Jr. taught that “God is the source of eternal truth. He and His Son, Jesus Christ, have a perfect understanding of truth and always act in harmony with true principles and laws. … They want us to understand and apply truth so we can enjoy the blessings They do.”
“The purpose of For the Strength of Youth is not to give [the youth] a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ about every possible choice [they] might face. Instead, the Lord is inviting [them] to live in a higher and holier way—His way.”
Our youth are being invited to move beyond hyper-focusing on rules. Rules are necessary and beneficial. Like the gauges and dials in the dashboard of a car, they provide useful information that helps us on our journey. However, they become a distraction when they become the focus. If we drive down the road with our eyes riveted on the speedometer, we may always stay within the speed limit, but we will miss the stunning views flashing past the windows. If all we see are rules, we will miss the glorious, mind-expanding truths our Heavenly Father is offering to reveal to us.
Perhaps we are modern pioneers, crossing the plains from a rule-based obedience to a principle-based discipleship. God is inviting all of us to learn the truths and laws He lives so we can move beyond merely obeying rules to becoming like Him.
We have the opportunity to teach our children how to discover Heavenly Father’s gift of truth. We can set an example for them by following President Russell M. Nelson’s invitation to “do the spiritual work required to enjoy the gift of the Holy Ghost and hear the voice of the Spirit more frequently and more clearly.” Prayer is a form of work.
We are taught in the Bible Dictionary that we are “to pray in Christ’s name. We pray in Christ’s name when our mind is the mind of Christ, and our wishes the wishes of Christ—when His words abide in us.”
We can be seekers, feasting continually upon the words of Christ and gratefully accepting precious rays of divine light that invite the Spirit and expand our minds to receive revelation.
Elder Alexander Dushku said, “Line upon line, precept upon precept, here a ray and there a ray—one small, treasured spiritual moment at a time—there grows up within us a core of light-filled, spiritual experiences. … Together they can become a light that the darkness of doubt cannot overcome.”
Learning truth and sharing it with our children through our words and example is one of the best ways to support them as they are making choices for themselves. Understanding truth will influence how they pray and what they pray for. It will help them see things from an eternal perspective and make informed choices. How we share this truth with our children really does matter.
Elder John C. Pingree Jr. taught:
“Truth has the best chance of blessing another when conveyed with Christlike love.
“Truth taught without love can cause feelings of judgment, discouragement, and loneliness. It often leads to resentment and division—even conflict. On the other hand, love without truth is hollow and lacks the promise of growth.
“Both truth and love are essential for our spiritual development. Truth provides the doctrine, principles, and laws necessary to gain eternal life, while love engenders the motivation needed to embrace and act upon what is true.”
The process of conversion that our youth experience by choosing to live according to truth is and will always be individual and personal. They will decide the type of life they want to live for eternity through their choices. Sharing our love for and understanding of truth helps the youth become independent seekers of truth for themselves.
One day, my daughter was feeling overwhelmed. She described that the house was a mess, she had no idea what to cook for dinner, someone could have survived a week off all the crumbs littering the floor of the family car, she said, and the lawns had actually reached jungle proportions.
On the drive back from school, her two kids asked if they could play with friends when they got home. My daughter’s first impulse was to give the kids a lecture on the importance of work and forbid them from playing until they helped out with all that needed to be done. She felt herself gearing up for the inevitable power struggle that would surely follow. Then the thought came, “Describe the situation and give them a chance to choose.”
My daughter shared with the kids that she was overwhelmed. She asked if they would choose something they could do to help before playing. Her nine-year-old son, Trent, eagerly volunteered to tackle the lawns. Her six-year-old daughter, Teya, was initially less enthusiastic about helping. She started riding around the driveway on her bike. My daughter grabbed the vacuum and headed for the car.
Trent wrestled the lawn mower out of the garden shed and dragged it into the front yard. My daughter wasn’t sure that he would be able to start the machine alone, but she held off stepping in. She continued cleaning the car, close enough to help if Trent asked for it. After a few minutes, she heard the lawn mower chug into life. Trent cut the grass in the front yard. Then he moved on to the backyard.
My daughter described that she had noticed that Teya had disappeared. She shut off the vacuum and went inside to find her. Teya had pushed a stool up to the counter and was preparing dinner. There was a plate piled high with cooked sweet potatoes that Teya had carefully cut into wedges. She was in the process of slicing up some green apples. My daughter helped her cook some rice and fry eggs to complete the meal. She described that confidence and deep satisfaction radiated from both kids as they made choices to help. What changed here was not the children. What changed was the paradigm that their mother chose to teach them in.
Elder Renlund taught that “our Heavenly Father’s goal in parenting is not to have His children do what is right; it is to have His children choose to do what is right and ultimately become like Him.”
The powerful love we feel for our children can make watching them use their agency almost unbearable and, at times, may bring fear.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said:
“I pray with all the strength of my soul that we may become liberated from this fear by the divinely appointed antidote to fear: the pure love of Christ, for ‘perfect love casteth out fear’ [1 John 4:18]. …
“Christ’s perfect love allows us to walk with humility, dignity, and a bold confidence as followers of our beloved Savior. Christ’s perfect love gives us the confidence to press through our fears and place our complete trust in the power and goodness of our Heavenly Father and of His Son, Jesus Christ.”
Pure love, linked with an eternal perspective, brings hope and peace as we support our children in the process of becoming. We can trust in the Savior’s power to cleanse, heal, and empower them—vital for us to remember as we watch them make choices.
Heavenly Father trusts us to provide an environment where the Holy Ghost can “teach [the youth] … and bring all things to [their] remembrance.” Remembered truths will guide them in making informed choices and decisions that will help them become who they truly want to be.
This is a time of unprecedented access to God’s truths. We are literally carrying them around in our pockets all the time. Are we teaching our youth to seek and study truth by how we use these devices? Or are we setting an example of merely seeking entertainment from the world?
As we seek to know and live eternal truths, the youth will see an example of what lives built upon eternal truths look like. They will sense our devotion to God through how and what we pray for. They will see and feel our confidence in the power Christ’s gospel has to bring joy, peace, and power into our lives.
Youth throughout the world have expressed that when adults share experiences and testimonies of truth, it has a positive impact on how they feel about those truths. We all know this generation especially doesn’t like to be told or lectured on what to do. They want to feel trusted. The youth have expressed the trust and love they feel from Church leaders through For the Strength of Youth: A Guide for Making Choices. When we combine our love and trust with the First Presidency’s, the youth will be reminded of the love and trust Heavenly Father has for them.
Conclusion
President Lund: Thank you, Mike. Brad, when you come in late, you are worth the wait, but it makes us a little irate.
Brother Nelson: Welcome to presidency meeting. We have a lot of fun.
President Lund: That was all a total fabrication. I’ve never seen Brad late once in his life.
After my mission, I served in the United States Army as a volunteer for three years and found myself, shortly after being a missionary, attending basic combat training and then being shipped off to Fort Stewart, Georgia, in the middle of 26 miles of swamp, living in a one-room barracks building with 40 of the most colorful people that you can picture—at least the most colorful I’d ever been around.
And I came to love these guys. These were just huge personalities with huge appetites for all things debauched. And of course I wanted to belong. These guys were so much fun so often—well, not always—but so much of the time that I kind of wanted to belong.
And one of the most colorful was a kid whose teeth had all been replaced with gold teeth. And he stopped me in the barracks on a Saturday night as they were about to go out and do whatever they were going to go do and said, “Lund, why don’t you come with us? You should come with us. We’re going to have a great time.”
And they all kind of gathered around to see what I would say.
I said, “No. Thanks anyway, but I don’t think I will—no.”
“Well, why not?”
And suddenly it was a real question. They were trying to figure out who I was.
Earlier, this kid had come to me in the orderly room where I was working and said, “There’s a rumor going around that you were once a mercenary in Belgium. Is that true?”
I just laughed and said, “That’s crazy.” Then I thought, oh, missionary. “I was a missionary in Belgium.”
So these were my friends.
“Why don’t you come with us?” And then silence.
And I said, “Well, this isn’t going to mean much to you, but I’ve made promises to God, and I’m doing my very best to keep them.”
And then, to my surprise, Mr. Goldteeth said, “Oh no, I understand that. I grew up with those promises too, and I wish I could live like that.”
And then they went on their way.
We find that the transformative power of these higher and holier teachings contained in the For the Strength of Youth guide holds so much promise that we urge wards and branches throughout the Church to use the FSY guide for making choices as the curriculum for their midweek activities. Our young people need to get inside of that book and have that booklet and its principles get inside of them. We are seeing youth strengthened through activities planned around the various chapters and learnings that are contained there.
We testify to you that the shortest distance between two points is always a straight line. And the shortest distance between wherever your youth may be standing today and the joy that they seek is the covenant path.
FSY guide principles can become to our youth trusted centerlines marking that covenant path. It is our prayer that you might help them make these learnings and practices their second nature as they “come forth [as surely they will] out of [this ofttimes] wilderness of darkness, and shine forth fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners.” In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.