How can family members avoid contention when the possessions of a deceased relative are divided up?

Thomas B. Holman, professor of family science at Brigham Young University, and bishop of the BYU Sixty-second Ward, BYU Seventeenth Stake. It is not uncommon to hear of family members who bicker during the settlement of a deceased parent’s estate. Disagreements arise, tempers flare, and things are said that wound deeply. Not only might the discord damage family relations for generations, but the deceased family member is not shown proper respect.

The following four measures can help prevent such contention long before a family member passes on. First, a carefully written, legal will forestalls potential disputes by specifying how the testator’s possessions are to be divided. Attorneys and financial planners are an important resource in such planning. Another measure is to label possessions with the names of the intended receivers; this greatly facilitates later distribution.

A third idea is for the parents to begin giving away items that are of more use to the recipient now than later. For example, a parent’s treasured dresser is probably more useful now to a son with a young, financially struggling family than it will be years later after that family has accumulated home furnishings. Bequests that children refuse can be donated to Deseret Industries or another worthy charity or secondhand store.

Fourth, and most important, children should be taught to love one another. King Benjamin said: “Ye will not suffer your children [to] … transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another. …

“But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.” (Mosiah 4:14–15.) Love, service, and other gospel values eliminate seeds of contention such as selfishness, covetousness, disrespect, and greed.

Siblings and other relatives, too, can plan ahead for harmonious estate settlements. It is difficult for family members to broach the subject of a loved one’s imminent death, but such discussions are generally more helpful and productive while emotions are calm than is dealing with estate matters in time of grief.

Of course, friction and strife will not enter into the picture at all if family members recognize that memories are more important than possessions. As one good friend of mine said: “Many possessions are important primarily for the memories they evoke rather than for their material value. And since memories are more important than possessions, we ought to write down memories in journals or family histories and preserve them and not worry about possessions.” The Savior expressed similar sentiments: “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:

“But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven.” (Matt. 6:19–20.) What greater treasure can we lay up than pleasant memories and uplifting stories of those who go before us?

When the time comes to divide up an inheritance, some families have found one or more of these ideas helpful: Reduce the chance of friction by scheduling the estate settlement at a time that allows family members sufficient time to recover from the death and funeral. Allow only direct relatives to take part in the settlement. Spouses, grandchildren, and other interested parties usually need not be present, nor should they, through direct relatives, bid for possessions.

During the distribution of assets, the executor or presiding family member might remind those present of the primacy of family bonds and the relative insignificance of material things. Respect for the deceased and sensitivity to one another’s tender emotions, unique needs, and differing values are also important.

Contention in such matters is best avoided if all heirs and beneficiaries heed the Savior’s admonition that because “the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who … stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another … , such things should be done away.” (3 Ne. 11:29–30.) Certainly such quarreling should be done away with when family members meet to divide the possessions of a deceased loved one.