Repairing the Relationship with My Son

For some time my son hadn’t been living the kind of life he should be living, and my relationship with him had seriously deteriorated. He was in his early 20s and still living at home, and I decided to ask him to move out. I hoped that by being responsible for his own needs he would soon make better decisions about his life.

Our problems had begun when he finished high school. Until then he had always been active in the Church, but when he started college, he also started working part time and found it difficult to attend church. He also spent most of his free time with a girlfriend, and religion was not an important part of her life either. At school, too, he made new friends whose standards had a negative impact on him.

My wife and I felt powerless to influence him for good. The more we tried, the more he rebelled. When he had turned 19, he told our bishop he didn’t want to serve a mission. We were deeply disappointed.

His schoolwork began to slip, and this caused more arguments. I finally declined to pay any more tuition if he couldn’t take his classes seriously. With no money for school, he got a construction job. The breach between us seemed to widen. He was no longer the son we had always known, and I had finally come to the point where I felt it was best for him to live on his own.

My wife, however, disagreed. She felt he would only drift further from the Church and from us. I loved my son and felt a keen responsibility to do what was best for him, but I was uncertain what that was. I decided to study out a solution and seek confirmation in prayer. First I prepared a detailed written analysis of the pros and cons of asking our son to move out. It seemed clear in my mind that we should ask him to leave.

I knelt in prayer, having made the best decision I knew to make, and asked Father in Heaven to confirm that decision. The confirmation didn’t come. I wondered if that was my answer or if I simply was not spiritually in tune. After further deliberation, I decided I could not ask my son to move out without having received a confirmation, so I decided to let him stay. I prayed again for a confirmation and felt, somewhat to my surprise, a distinct burning in my bosom. I couldn’t mistake the sensation. I now knew what to do.

The experience caused me to reflect on my relationship with my son. If living with us was the best answer, there might still be a way we could reach him. After much soul-searching, I concluded to change my attitude toward him. My dictatorial attitude had caused me to criticize nearly everything he said or did. No wonder he was seldom at home; it wasn’t a pleasant place for him to be.

I determined to follow gospel principles that teach us to respect others’ agency, to love our fellowman, and to forgive. I began by deciding I would not criticize. Instead I would look for the good, positive things he did and praise him for them. I began expressing my love for him and accepting him for what he was. I greeted him pleasantly when we met, and I asked how his job was going. I found noncontroversial subjects to talk about, and I took an interest in his life.

Our relationship soon began to improve, and we began to grow closer. One Sunday morning I found a note from my son: “Dad, will you get me up? I would like to go to church with you.” I couldn’t believe my eyes. It had been over three years since he had attended any Church meetings. I went to his room and woke him. He attended all his meetings with us that day. A few days later he asked if I would support him on a mission. I assured him I would.

I realize that other parents have exercised faith without seeing hoped-for results, but I’m grateful that my son chose to serve a mission and be married in the temple. The Lord’s concern that day wasn’t just for a troubled son but also for a father who needed to learn an important lesson about giving love and respect to others.

Let’s Talk about It

Questions for a family home evening discussion or personal reflection.

Is there a way to more fully apply D&C 121:41 (see page 19) in our home?
How can we strengthen the parent-child relationships in our family?
How can parents show love and respect to children, and children to parents?

Photo by Steve Bunderson, posed by models

Illustrated by Richard Russell