“My Shattered Dreams,” Ensign, Mar. 2005, 46–50
My Shattered Dreams
I married after being single for many years. Then, a little more than a year later, my husband died.
We will all experience times of trial and testing. President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) stated: “We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and hardships, health and sickness, successes and disappointments. We knew also that after a period of life we would die.”1 Yet at times it seems impossible that we accepted the adversities of life before we came here. Did I really accept the trial of losing my husband after little more than a year of marriage?
My Desire to Marry
From early on I knew how I wanted my life to proceed. I would attend Ricks College in Idaho for two years and earn an associate degree, by which time I would be married. Then I would start a family and be a stay-at-home mom. But when graduation approached, I was not dating anyone seriously and didn’t really know what I should do next; I hadn’t thought about other options.
I decided to enroll at Brigham Young University to complete a degree in education, still keeping in mind my ultimate plan of being a wife and mother. While jogging one day, I felt that I should consider a mission. The prompting took me by surprise because a mission had never been in my plan. After much fasting and prayer, I submitted my papers and was called to the Korea Pusan Mission. There I reaped the personal growth that comes from service and overcoming adversity.
After returning home, I turned my attention again to seeking an eternal companion. I did not find him while I was at BYU. In fact, I wasn’t to find him for many more years. But I realized that I needed to be happy right then and to make the most of my life. I loved teaching high school and had many experiences that helped me grow. Still, each year as I reached another birthday, I wondered if Heavenly Father was listening to my prayers. What about my plan? It was a trial to be single for so long. I wasn’t sure where I fit in. I turned 29 and thought all hope was lost. It was then that I met Cameron in our singles ward. He was a worthy priesthood bearer and a hard worker, and most important, he had a strong testimony of the gospel and of the Savior Jesus Christ.
My Dream Fulfilled
We married in June 1999 in the Idaho Falls Temple. I will never forget that day. I remember how grateful I was that I had remained worthy throughout my life and that I was being sealed to a worthy man. I realized Heavenly Father had been listening to me; everything had happened in His time, not mine.
Cameron and I were very happy. We served others and magnified our Church callings. We made our home one in which we could be guided by the Spirit. Soon after we were married, Cameron felt we should start our family right away rather than wait until he finished school as we had considered. How grateful I am that he listened to the Spirit. In August 2000 our daughter, Kenadee Fawn, was born. I had been happy single, but the joy I experienced as a wife and mother was beyond description. I stopped teaching school to stay home with Kenadee. Finally, I was living the life I had always wanted.
On October 16, 2000, I was in bed with two-month-old Kenadee. We watched as Cameron excitedly got dressed to go hunting for the day. He had worked a night shift and had come home early that morning full of energy. We said our prayers together as we always did before he left. His prayer still stands out in my mind as he thanked Heavenly Father for his wonderful wife and beautiful daughter. We kissed each other good-bye and said “I love you” as he hurried out the door, calling back that he would see me later that afternoon.
At 2:00 p.m. he wasn’t home, and I began to worry. I felt something was wrong but dismissed the thought. At 3:00 p.m. I received a call from the hospital. A nurse told me there had been an accident and my husband was being taken by life flight to the hospital. She did not have any details.
My Dream Shattered
I immediately knelt down to pray that Cameron would be all right, and a feeling of peace came over me. When I walked into the hospital, I was not prepared for the news: Cameron had already died. My mind flooded with thoughts of disbelief: “No, it isn’t true. Why me? Why now? It isn’t fair. I waited so long to find him. We are so happy. We have a new baby.” I felt despair and devastation. Driving home from the hospital in a daze, I felt that a part of me was gone. I didn’t know what to do. That night as I knelt down to pray, my emotions overcame me, and I wept. As I cried, I prayed and thought of Jesus Christ. For a moment I took comfort in knowing that the Savior had experienced everything I was feeling and more. In an instant my whole life plan had changed. I was not sure how I could live without Cameron. I prayed for strength. This was the first of numerous prayers that have sustained me. I now know our Father in Heaven is there. He listens. He grants me comfort.
The week went by in a blur. During the viewing and funeral, I had a feeling of peace that seemed to sustain me. As I spoke at the funeral, I felt as if Cameron were standing next to me. Even though I didn’t want to, I knew I had to go on. I knew I still played a part in Heavenly Father’s plan somehow.
The months following Cameron’s death were a time of intense learning, and I came to understand many things that helped me deal with the everyday battles I faced. Even now, nearly every day is a struggle.
Elder Orson F. Whitney (1855–1931) wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God.”2 The words seemed as if they had been written for me.
My Source of Comfort
Since my husband’s death, people have commented on how strong I am. It is not my own strength I have relied on but the strength of the Lord. I lean heavily on the comfort that comes from constant prayer and careful scripture study. One day I was feeling painfully alone and was searching for peace. I found the inspiration I needed in Doctrine and Covenants 58:2–4:
“For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.
“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.
“For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.”
I have learned to accept comfort and peace from others. So much solace has come from my wonderful family. They, along with ward members and friends, have given me strength to keep going. When the news of my husband’s death reached the high school where I used to teach, the 2,700 students took action. They designated a “Make a Difference Day,” when all the student body did acts of service for my daughter and me. We received money, diapers, food, clothing, quilts, toys, and many other things to make our life more comfortable.
I have also found that losing myself in service to others helps bring me peace. Shortly after my husband died, I made some cookies and took them to a sister on my visiting teaching route. As I talked with her, she told me how she and her husband were struggling financially. My compassion and love for this sister deepened as I listened to her. I have found that when I take the time to think about other people, I do not think about my own problems. I feel better about myself and feel good in knowing that I can help ease the burdens of another.
In times of desperation I have found solace in the hymns. It has been helpful to memorize them, for the words flow freely to my mind when I need them. I have tried to eliminate the unnecessary concerns that clutter my mind. When I take time to go to a secluded place, I am able to think clearly about the decisions I face. I know the Spirit is able to whisper to me when my mind is focused.
I feel closer to my husband and the Lord when I am in the temple. I have gained a greater understanding of how important it is to do work for the dead. When Cameron and I were married, we became companions not only for time but also for eternity. We worked well together. Since Cameron’s death I feel we are a team working together still, just in a different way. He is fulfilling his calling on the other side. When I attend the temple, I am fulfilling my calling here in this mortal realm. There is a feeling at the temple that brings peace to my soul.
The Savior’s Gift of Peace
Most important, I have come to trust and have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; this is the key to peace. I have faith that someday everything will be sorted out. I trust that I will understand the answers to the “why” questions. The Savior endured the suffering of all our Father’s children. He experienced all physical pain and also the pain caused by the disobedience of mankind. He understands what I feel, and He has perfect compassion. What I have learned most from my adversity is a deeper appreciation and love for my Savior. I know He can heal us and bring us peace and comfort.
In Liberty Jail the Prophet Joseph Smith received this reassurance: “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes” (D&C 121:7–8).
Our Heavenly Father wants to comfort us. A saying that hangs on my living room wall reads: “The same Everlasting Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either he will shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.”3
If we are faithful during trials, adversity, and affliction, we show that we truly love the Lord, and we prepare ourselves for great blessings. I know the Lord can turn my times of trial into eternal blessings. Facing trials may be difficult, but that is an essential part of our mortal experience. When I look back on my life, I would not wish away the experiences I have had, for I know I have a part in Heavenly Father’s plan.
Blessings of the Temple
“The blessings of the temple become most meaningful when our loved ones are taken in death from our family circles. To know that our period of separation is but temporary provides peace that passes ordinary understanding. President Joseph Fielding Smith (1876–1972) wrote, ‘Through the power of this priesthood which Elijah bestowed, husband and wife may be sealed, or married for eternity; children may be sealed to their parents for eternity; thus the family is made eternal, and death does not separate the members.’ Blessed with eternal sealings, we can face death as a necessary component of God’s great plan of happiness.”
Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “Prepare for Blessings of the Temple,” Ensign, Mar. 2002, 22.
Photography by Bradley Slade, posed by models