“‘Can We Heal Our Relationship?’ Addressing Verbal and Emotional Abuse,” Liahona, Oct. 2024.
“Can We Heal Our Relationship?” Addressing Verbal and Emotional Abuse
If you’re experiencing verbal or emotional abuse, seek help. Friends, family, Church leaders, and others can connect you to resources that will help you feel safe so that you can heal and remember your worth.
At age 71, Janet (names have been changed) remarried. She and her new husband were on their honeymoon when he got upset at her. Janet recalls, “I had never had anyone talk to me like that.” She was distraught and horrified.
Over time her husband’s anger escalated. Yelling turned into swearing, name calling, and personal attacks on Janet’s character. He claimed that she was making her friends and family more important than him.
“It wasn’t true,” she says. “But to keep peace, I distanced myself from them. I started to cancel on friends. I’d say I didn’t feel good.”
“Whatever I did, it wasn’t enough for him,” she says. “I started to blame myself for his anger and think, ‘If only I hadn’t done this or that.’ I began wondering if I was a bad person like he said I was.”
She asked herself questions like, “If I’m worthwhile, then why did I pick this person? And why do I let him talk to me like that? Should I have seen the signs?” He had been so kind, attentive, and loving when they were dating.
“I got so depressed,” she remembers. She began thinking it would be better if she got sick and died so she didn’t have to divorce him. She had been married once before and couldn’t face another failed marriage.
“It would have been good if I had talked to someone,” she says, “but I was too embarrassed. And I knew they would tell me to leave him. I didn’t want the marriage to end and didn’t want to be alone again. So I kept hoping things would change, and I kept justifying his behavior.”
Abuse Is a Serious Sin
Sometimes victims tolerate the misbehavior because they don’t recognize it as abuse. Emotional abuse occurs when a person tries to verbally hurt, control, or manipulate another. It can take the form of severe criticizing, blaming, isolating, manipulating, making threats, name calling, or withholding affection. It can happen in any kind of relationship: in friendships, in dating relationships, between spouses or parents and children, and even among coworkers.
“Abuse constitutes the influence of the adversary,” taught President Russell M. Nelson. “It is a grievous sin. As President of the Church, I affirm the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ on this issue. Let me be perfectly clear: any kind of abuse of women, children, or anyone is an abomination to the Lord. He grieves and I grieve whenever anyone is harmed. He mourns and we all mourn for each person who has fallen victim to abuse of any kind. Those who perpetrate these hideous acts are not only accountable to the laws of man but will also face the wrath of Almighty God. …
“… The Savior will not tolerate abuse, and as His disciples, neither can we.”
We are all sons and daughters of God and have a divine nature and destiny. The gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us to love one another (see John 13:34) and to treat others as we would want to be treated (see Matthew 7:12).
Victims Often Feel Guilty
Victims can feel fear, shame, despair, hopelessness, and plummeting self-worth.
Diego’s two-year marriage to an abusive woman left him shattered and semi-suicidal. In retrospect, he wishes he had paid attention to the warning signs. His wife had been in several failed marriages and relationships. However, their six-month courtship had gone smoothly, and he fell in love.
After they married, her behavior surprised and confused him. She would make critical comments about his appearance, and when he asked why she said those things, she would tell him she was joking and that he didn’t have a sense of humor. “There was a lot of verbal abuse and gaslighting,” he says.
There were also episodes of physical abuse when she spit in his face and kicked and scratched him. As with many victims, Diego tried to excuse his wife’s behavior. He told himself she was just having a bad day. He tried desperately to do things he hoped would make her happy.
“I would clean the bathrooms and cook dinner,” he remembers, “but I could never please her. The physical abuse was probably the worst thing for me as a man. I felt weak and powerless. Sometimes I would find a place to hide at work and break down and cry. I was the victim, but she made me feel like everything bad that happened was my fault. I felt guilty. Was she right? The sadness was incredible.”
He recalls: “I wanted our marriage to work. I prayed so hard, went to the temple, fasted, read the scriptures, and tried to grow closer to Heavenly Father in every way. Hope kept me afloat. I kept believing that if I was obedient, things would work out.”
Seeking Help
Seek spiritual strength: Victims can seek inspiration and spiritual strength through prayer, fasting, scripture study, priesthood blessings, and church and temple attendance. They can get help and support from trusted friends, Church leaders, or professional counselors. Most importantly, they can have faith in the Lord, prayerfully seek His guidance, and trust that He will “consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain” (2 Nephi 2:2).
Set boundaries: Experts say that setting and keeping boundaries is important. A victim can say, “I feel disrespected by you right now. I want to talk with you, but I will not unless you treat me more respectfully and kindly.”
Some people won’t respect those boundaries, however. Diego tried to set boundaries, but his wife continued to argue. “You can’t always reason with an abuser,” he explains. “And it’s very hard to stay calm when someone is verbally attacking you. Christ would have walked away or been soft spoken. I wasn’t perfect that way. I could have done better. I think you need a mediator—a Church leader or a therapist—to have a rational discussion.”
It can be helpful to seek professional help in situations like this. Counselors who are knowledgeable about emotional abuse can suggest ways to address volatile emotions.
Address the concerns: Sometimes those who say hurtful things don’t realize how much they are harming the relationship. They can learn to change if they are willing to seek help. When it’s not an emotional time, the person who has been on the receiving end of the harmful comments can say something like, “I feel hurt [or unloved or disrespected] when you say things like that. I would appreciate it if you …” Bringing those behaviors to light can help the offending person know what he or she is doing, giving an opportunity for improvement.
If the person is willing to listen, both individuals can get help. They can seek counseling together and discuss which behaviors harm the relationship and which behaviors heal the relationship. They can work together to build the relationship they desire.
However, if the person is unwilling to listen and continues the harmful behavior, the victim doesn’t need to stay in an abusive relationship. For married couples, this might not always mean divorce, but it can mean time apart until the spouse will observe firm boundaries for a healthy relationship.
Try to not perpetuate unhealthy patterns: Sister Kristin M. Yee, Second Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency, taught:
“On the path of forgiveness and healing lies a choice not to perpetuate unhealthy patterns or relationships in our families or elsewhere. To all within our influence, we can offer kindness for cruelty, love for hate, gentleness for abrasiveness, safety for distress, and peace for contention.
“To give what you have been denied is a powerful part of divine healing possible through faith in Jesus Christ.”
Healing with God’s Help
Diego talked to a marriage counselor and met with his bishop regularly. “I’m not sure I would have gotten through this experience without the help of my bishop, the most loving man ever. And the temple was my solace.”
Diego struggled to heal after his divorce but says, “I learned so much from the relationship and have grown in all aspects, which has made me a better man, father, person, priesthood holder, son, friend, and partner. I did everything in my power to make the marriage work, but it wasn’t to be. She had her agency and made her choice.”
After three years of trying to make her marriage work, Janet filed for divorce and moved in temporarily with one of her children. “Those first days and weeks were the hardest,” she remembers. She poured her heart out in prayer and was dedicated to reading the Book of Mormon daily, along with comforting conference talks.
She continued regular church attendance, saw a professional therapist, and received helpful spiritual counsel from her bishop. “The therapist was very helpful, and I felt so much better after talking to my bishop,” she says.
A friend suggested that she recite her favorite scriptures out loud and declare all the good things that she wanted to have in her life. Janet did that faithfully, memorizing the scriptures that inspired her. Two of her favorites were:
“Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest” (Joshua 1:9).
“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness” (Isaiah 41:10).
She found strength in knowing that it is the Savior’s mission “to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, … to set at liberty them that are bruised” (Luke 4:18; emphasis added).
Testifying of that healing mission of the Savior, Elder Patrick Kearon of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles assured victims of abuse:
“From the depths of His atoning suffering, the Savior imparts hope you thought was lost forever, strength you believed you could never possess, and healing you couldn’t imagine was possible. …
“… With arms outstretched, the Savior offers the gift of healing to you. With courage, patience, and faithful focus on Him, before too long you can come to fully accept this gift.”