“3. Developing Emotional Resilience,” Adjusting to Service Missionary Life: Resource Booklet (2020)

“3. Developing Emotional Resilience,” Adjusting to Service Missionary Life

3. Developing Emotional Resilience

Strong emotions like fear and worry help us know that we are overstressed. Read “1. Developing Resilience under Stress” for overall suggestions for managing emotional demands. In addition, the suggestions below may help with specific emotions. If your emotions become overwhelming or last a long time, talk to your parents or service mission leaders about seeking professional support.

A. Adjusting to Your New Assignment

Review your reasons for serving a mission. Think of your mission as a gift of thanks you can offer to the Savior. List your blessings. Remind yourself of what your leaders and loved ones would tell you about your missionary service.
Be patient. It generally takes about six weeks to begin to adapt to a new situation. Put off making any decisions until you give yourself time to adjust. Take one day at a time.
Put up motivating pictures. Post scriptures, quotations, or pictures that help you remember your values. They will help you focus on your service and righteous desires.
Review uplifting scriptures and stories. Collect scriptures, personal experiences, quotations, and family stories that help to motivate you. When you read uplifting scriptures, put your name in them. You could try putting your name in scriptures such as these: Proverbs 3:5–6; 2 Nephi 4:28–35; Mosiah 24:13–14; Alma 36:3; Helaman 5:12; and Doctrine and Covenants sections 4, 6, and 31. (See also “Adversity,” in True to the Faith [2004], 8–11.)
Review your patriarchal blessing often for guidance. Look for ways your gifts and strengths can contribute to your work.

B. Overcoming Feeling Sad or Discouraged

Don’t procrastinate. Putting off things can lead to stress. Break down big tasks into smaller pieces. Get started on one piece of the task. Remind yourself, “All I have to do right now is ” or “I’ll just do this for a few minutes and then take a break if I want.”
Listen to music or sing. Choose music that is calm and soothing if you are anxious. Music that is upbeat and cheerful may help you if you feel down. (Make sure that you don’t wear earbuds while at your assignment unless given permission.)

Let go of what you can’t control. You can’t control the past or others’ choices or personalities. You can’t control some of your own limitations. Focus on things you can do something about. Leave the rest to the Lord.
Accept the reality that some routines are boring. Not all of life is deeply meaningful and exciting. Avoid creating drama, intensity, or conflict to deal with boredom. Instead, appreciate and enjoy the good around you. Look for ways to improve and serve.
Train your brain to look for the positive. Focus on the positive around you. Take a few minutes each night to write or share your answer to one of these questions:
- What was a happy surprise today? Who helped make that happen, and how did they do it?
- How did God help me today?
- What are three new things I’m grateful for today?
- How can I remember and appreciate these things?
- Who helped me today, or who did I help?
- When did I take a risk today that helped me grow? What did I learn from it? How can this help me do even better in the future?
- When did I succeed at something hard today? How did I do it? How can I celebrate?
Challenge your thinking. Worry and sadness can alter your thinking patterns. If you are feeling negative emotions, ask yourself:
- Is there anything that supports the truth of what I am thinking?
- Is this something the Savior would want me to think or feel?
- Is this thought all or nothing—black or white, win or lose, true or false?
- Does thinking this way benefit me?
- How does this thought make me feel?
- What do I know about myself and others that tells me this is not true?
- What would I tell my best friends if they thought these things?
Find things to enjoy. While respecting the dignity of your calling, rediscover humor. Savor the beauty in the world, and notice the kindness of others. Take delight in feeling the Spirit in your life.
Do the basics: prayer, scripture study, and service. When reading the scriptures, avoid judging yourself too harshly. Focus on the parts that most apply to you as a faithful servant of God.
Read Alma 26 and discover what Ammon did when he was discouraged. Also read Doctrine and Covenants 127:2 and note how Joseph Smith kept from becoming discouraged. Don’t worry about being worried, which can create a vicious circle. It is normal to have days when we feel discouraged, stressed, or lonely. Most of the time these feelings will pass.

Pay attention to exercise and sleep. Exercise is especially important in managing fears and worry. Even if you don’t like exercise, it can help you feel better and be more creative. Start small and build up a little at a time. Going to bed at the same time each night and getting enough sleep are also important.
Talk to a family member, friend, or service mission leader. Share your feelings with someone who cares about you. You will feel better when you understand that someone knows and cares for you. You will gain a new perspective. This person may simply listen or may have suggestions you can try.
Talk to a professional. Is your sadness lasting more than a couple of weeks? Is it interfering with your life? A professional counselor can often help. Sometimes persistent sadness is caused by a medical condition like thyroid disease or diabetes. These need to be treated by a doctor. Sometimes medication to treat depression can help you feel better.
Get help if you’re feeling suicidal. Do you occasionally wonder if life is worth living? Do you have thoughts of hurting yourself in some way? Do you think sometimes that you would be better off dead? Thoughts like these are not unusual. If these thoughts are upsetting to you and persist over several days, don’t wait. Tell someone about them and get help. Do this especially if you start coming up with a plan to end your life.

C. Overcoming Feeling Self-Critical

Focus on what you do right, and avoid comparing yourself to others. People with extremely high expectations of themselves may focus too much on their weaknesses and failures. Then, instead of improving, they may feel hopeless. When reading scriptures, focus on those that most apply to you. You are a beloved servant of God. Look for evidences of God’s patience, grace, hope, and mercy. He extends these blessings to those who love Him and desire to serve Him.
Talk positively to yourself. See “Talking Back to Negative Thinking.”
Realize that everything you do can’t be above average. You want to work hard to improve, and you may be very good at some things. But you cannot be above average at everything you do. This is just math, not a cause for alarm.
Give yourself extra credit. Give yourself extra credit for doing something you don’t do well or don’t always enjoy. Remember that even if you didn’t do those things perfectly, you still did them. As you get better at doing these things, you may find that you enjoy them. But getting to that point takes time and practice, support, and experience.
Practice being still. Focus your attention away from the thoughts in your mind, and practice being still. Acknowledge that you are having self-critical thoughts. But these thoughts do not represent who you really are. (See also “Responding Positively to Stress.”)
Work on one or two major goals at a time. Avoid trying to improve too many things in your life at once. This can be overwhelming and lead to feelings of failure.
Trust in Jesus Christ and His Atonement. Our limitations and inadequacies are not sins. They usually do not keep us from being clean and worthy of the Spirit. Jesus Christ suffered so we can be strengthened, uplifted, and forgiven. The Savior’s power helps us overcome our weaknesses and sins.
Record inspiring things in a notebook or planner. You could record:
- Favorite scriptures.
- Goals you want to accomplish.
- Personal or family stories of bouncing back from setbacks or hardships.
Listen to the Holy Spirit, not negativity. If you are having thoughts that are belittling, they are not from the Lord. Neither are thoughts that are mocking, angry, sarcastic, or critical. Murmuring and name calling also do not come from the Lord. If you are having such thoughts, try writing them all down. Then tear up the paper. Or rewrite the thoughts one at a time so that they state a true, positive idea. Add a truthful and loving statement of how the Lord feels about you. Say out loud: “Christ is my Advocate. He always loves me and believes in me.”

Seek good counsel. Ask your service mission leaders and others to help you know if you are trying hard enough. Ask them if you are trying too hard. Accept their counsel. Many self-critical people are not good at distinguishing between trying hard enough and trying too hard.

D. Overcoming Feeling Anxious or Inadequate

Enjoy being a beginner when you are new at something. You aren’t expected to be an expert when you are learning something. It is enough to be curious, interested, humble, and willing to try. Enjoy learning something new!
Cheerfully do what you can, and trust God to make up the difference. Sometimes missionaries feel useless or ashamed when others seem to be more successful than they are. Satan tempts us to doubt ourselves or compare ourselves to others. Remember that this is God’s work, and He chooses the weak and simple to do it. He has chosen you! Trust Him, for He trusts you.
Think about success. Worrying about things that might go wrong can be a way of mentally practicing failure. Instead of worrying, try to mentally practice positive outcomes. Don’t worry about what might happen. Instead, make plans to achieve success. If things don’t work out as you hope, imagine yourself learning from the setback. Think about yourself going forward.
Live your values anyway. You don’t have to get rid of worries or fear. You can still live a happy life. You can choose to live your values even in the midst of worry and fear. You cannot control everything. But think of one or two things you can do to live your values. Plan how you can serve others or show courage in a situation that makes you worry.
Don’t try to control what you can’t control. Trying to control things you can’t control only makes you feel more out of control. Doing this increases your worry. Focus your energy on things you can do something about.
Ask, “What is the worst that can happen?” Often people find that the worst possible outcome they can imagine is something they can live with. Then they can move on. No matter what happens, the Savior can help you overcome it, so you can feel less fear.
Try slowing down if you tend to rush a lot. If you are calmer, you may be more efficient as well as happier. Slowing down will take practice. You will need a way to remind yourself to do this. Post a message on your mirror or wall. Put an alarm on your phone. Or pray every morning for help in remembering to slow down. After several weeks, evaluate your progress.
Don’t get worried about worrying. Worries are a normal part of every life. Getting worried about your fears won’t help. Worry is unpleasant, but it will pass. When you are worried, sit quietly and allow the fearful feelings to wash over you. They will often lessen on their own before too long.
Don’t fear setbacks when you are doing hard things. In order to live a meaningful life, you must take some risks. At times, you must step into the unknown. The things that matter most can be hard, but they can be learned through practice. Don’t let fear stop you from doing hard things. And try not to see setbacks as failures. Fear and setbacks can mean that you are taking on hard things and being brave.

Keep a list of stories. Remember, record, and share stories. These stories can be from your life or from the lives of people you admire. These stories should tell how people have kept going when things were hard or frightening. They should tell how you or others have responded to setbacks or fear in ways you admire. People often do small, simple things to keep going or show courage.
Embrace ambiguity. Sometimes people do not want to live with ambiguity or uncertainty. They would rather fail than take risks without knowing they will succeed. You can’t know today if you will live your goals and values perfectly. You can’t know what problems you may confront in the future. But you can decide now to live bravely, gratefully, compassionately, and humbly. Right now you can live consistent with your goals and dreams. That is all any of us can do, and it is enough. Try to distract yourself from the temptations of despair and worry. Focus on the here and now.
Serve. As you serve others, you will think less about yourself and be happier.

E. Overcoming Feeling Easily Irritated or Angry

Give your brain time to override your emotions. Your brain can reason and make good judgments. If you get angry or irritated, turn away from the situation for a few minutes. Take some deep breaths, and give your rational brain time to think and reason things out. You might count to 10, exercise, go outside, or choose helpful thoughts. You might listen to calming music, meditate, or pray.
Don’t encourage your anger. You may choose to see others as threatening, unfair, or disrespectful. If so, you are more likely to feel angry. Instead, see if you can think of a more charitable explanation for their behavior. Perhaps they are tired, uninformed, insecure, or trying to be helpful. Make the choice not to encourage anger.
Try to understand other people. Be curious about what others are thinking and feeling. Ask people questions, and listen calmly and carefully to them. Tell the other person what you think you heard. Ask if you understood correctly. If not, try again.
Resist the tendency to blame others or yourself. If something goes wrong, try to figure out what the problem is. Ask others for help in fixing the problem, regardless of whose fault it is. Try not to blame anyone for causing the problem.
Be willing to apologize and ask what you can do to make things right. Apologizing is a sign of spiritual strength, not weakness. When you do something wrong, take responsibility for it. Ask how you can make it right or avoid the problem in the future. Show empathy for the feelings of the other person.
Be willing to laugh at yourself. Being able to laugh at yourself will help you better cope with life’s frustrations. Uplifting humor can help improve our attitudes, relationships, and health. While it’s not appropriate to laugh all the time, everyone can benefit from laughing more. When you start to get angry, try laughing at yourself and your anger. Laughing at yourself can be good medicine for anger!
Serve those you are angry with. Apply the Savior’s counsel to “love your enemies.” He said, “Bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you” (3 Nephi 12:44). How could you serve or pray for someone you’re angry with?
Take good care of yourself. Try to eat well, sleep enough, exercise, and pray. Doing these things will help you have the emotional resources to deal with frustration.
Make up a new story. Think of the most generous explanation you can for why other people are acting as they are. Write it down.
Forgive. Study Matthew 18:23–35. If available, watch the video “Forgive Every One Their Trespasses: The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant” (ChurchofJesusChrist.org). Think about how the parable’s message applies to you.

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F. Overcoming Feeling Unmotivated

Focus on your strengths. What are the values, talents, experiences, and gifts you bring to your service? Make a list of ways you could use one of your strengths in creative ways this week. If you have trouble seeing your strengths, ask others for help.
Take one step at a time. Make a list of things you need to do. Then organize them on your calendar. Remind yourself, “All I have to do right now is .”
Make it fun! Set interesting goals to help you with your missionary service. Make a game out of meeting your goals. Be creative, and congratulate yourself for success.
Don’t overwhelm yourself with too many personal goals at once. Set one or two personal goals at a time (like being more cheerful or less messy). Don’t expect perfection. Include a plan for how you will get back on track when you have a bad day. Remind yourself often of why you want to change.

Share your goals with your parents or leaders. They can support you and offer helpful ideas.
Realize that motivation follows action. Getting started is often the hardest part. Tell yourself, “Just do it for 10 minutes.” Then get started. You will often feel more motivated.

G. Managing Sexual or Romantic Feelings

Develop self-mastery. Sexual and romantic thoughts and feelings are normal and God-given. But we need to keep our thoughts, relationships, and behavior under proper control. If you do this as a missionary, you will grow in strength and gain great blessings. Prayerfully study 1 Corinthians 9:24–27; Mosiah 3:19; Alma 38:12; and Doctrine and Covenants 121:45. Look up “Virtue” and “Chastity” in the Guide to the Scriptures (scriptures.ChurchofJesusChrist.org). List blessings and advantages that will come to you as you develop these traits.
Replace the thought. Try not to become preoccupied with sexual or romantic thoughts and feelings. Distract yourself, and get involved with something else. Try to relax. Sing hymns. Memorize scriptures and recite them. Focus on what you are grateful for. Think about plans for the day. Exercise. Recommit to your work. Have fun and be creative.
Avoid temptation. Avoid places, circumstances, conversations, or people that provoke temptation. If you are exposed to a provocative image or idea, don’t dwell on it. Change your mental channel to other things. Get away from the situation as soon as you can.
Continue in hope and faith. If you are struggling to manage your sexual feelings appropriately, God still loves you. Never abandon your relationship with Him because you feel unworthy. Though you may struggle to manage these feelings, He will not reject you. He understands what you are going through. He values your efforts to resist temptation, learn from errors, and repent. Seek the counsel of your service mission leader, and continue striving to overcome these challenges.
Don’t get too hungry, lonely, tired, bored, or stressed. All of these things can make temptation more difficult to resist. Get a snack. Take a short break from what you are doing, or do something else for a while. Have a good conversation, or practice progressive relaxation exercises (see Progressive Relaxation Exercise).
Keep yourself safe. Understand the rules and guidelines regarding socializing with others that apply to you. If you feel yourself being sexually attracted to someone, contact your bishop or stake president and seek his counsel.
Fast and pray for understanding and strength. When you fast, you ignore your normal, healthy hunger for food. You do this for a period of time in order to seek spiritual strength. Fasting can develop skills like self-control and sensitivity to the Spirit (see Isaiah 58:6). It can give you empathy for those who are hungry. These same skills can help you control normal sexual or romantic feelings as a missionary in appropriate ways. Fasting will not eliminate sexual feelings. But monthly fasting may help you gain strength and self-awareness. It can motivate you to manage these feelings appropriately.

H. Managing Changes and Transitions

Know yourself. Changes and transitions are harder for some people than others. If change is especially hard for you, let people know how they can help.
Think about other transitions you’ve experienced. What did you learn? What helped you cope at other times? Recognize your successes and your abilities. Which of those things could help now? What else could you try?
Write down reasons. Write down what you know about why this change is necessary. Refer back to the list often. Understanding the reasons for the change may help you feel less frustrated.
Remember what hasn’t changed. Make a list of what has changed and what has not changed. Try to make the second list as long as you can.
Make a plan. Create a plan for how to help yourself manage the change. Write down the steps of your plan. Also talk to others who know you well. They can support you as you carry out your plan.
Think about how to feel calmer. Make a list of things you can do to feel calmer. Read over these before, during, and after the change.
Take one step at a time. When you are facing a big transition, remember this: you don’t have to figure everything out at once. What is the first decision that needs to be made? What might be a first step? A next step?