“4. Developing Social Resilience,” Adjusting to Service Missionary Life: Resource Booklet (2020)

“4. Developing Social Resilience,” Adjusting to Service Missionary Life

4. Developing Social Resilience

Relationships can be a source of stress and also a resource for coping with stress. Research shows that healthy relationships have lifelong benefits. Such relationships are linked to good mental and physical health. When we are overstressed, relationships can suffer. Consider the following suggestions for building good relationships. Also refer to the section “1. Developing Resilience under Stress” for additional ideas.

A. Communicating with Others

Identify and use your strengths as you serve. You have strengths that can help you be an effective missionary. Seek inspiration to help you understand your strengths. The Lord will help you use these strengths in His service. For example, some people find talking with others energizing. Some people find it tiring. However, both types of people can be effective service missionaries. If talking with new people wears you out, pace yourself. Be a good friend to those you know well. Your strengths may be your creative ideas, your insights about people, or your ability to plan.
Be curious about others. Learn questions you can use to encourage other people to talk. Ask people about their work, hobbies, family, or personal history. Ask about what matters most to them and what they yearn for or worry about. Listen for opportunities to testify of a gospel principle that will be relevant to them. Try to show interest in others. This is part of what it means to love our neighbors. Be willing to answer their questions about you as well.
Make a goal to get to know one new person every day. Use the person’s name in the first minute after you meet him or her. Use it again when you end the conversation. Write down the name to help you remember.
Focus on helping others. Turn your attention to the needs of others. As you do, you will feel less self-conscious about your own needs or inadequacies (see Mosiah 2:17).
Ask for help in understanding others. Not everyone is good at understanding other people’s facial expressions or body language. If you have trouble noticing how other people are feeling, ask someone to help you.
Give yourself permission to sound confident, even if you don’t feel it. When President Gordon B. Hinckley was on a mission, his father told him, “Forget yourself and go to work” (in “Taking the Gospel to Britain,” Ensign, July 1987, 7). This advice is helpful for all missionaries. Try to ignore your fears about how you are doing. Instead, focus on your calling to serve others.

B. Avoiding Feeling Lonely or Left Out

Ask questions to learn about other people. Ask other people about their experiences and feelings so you will understand them better. When you understand other people, you will feel less lonely.
Share more. Share your thoughts and feelings with others. We feel lonely when we feel that others don’t know and value us.
Define what “lonely” means to you. Try to define what feelings, thoughts, and behaviors make you feel lonely. Then try to work on these things.
Talk to adults who care. Let these adults know how you are feeling. They may have suggestions for what you could do to avoid feeling lonely.

C. Managing Conflict or Criticism

Respectfully explain what is bothering you. If someone’s behavior is bothering you, respectfully talk to the person. Explain what you would like to have changed, but don’t criticize the other person’s behavior. If you are critical or angry, the other person may become defensive and be less cooperative. For example, you could say, “l have a real dislike for trash left out in the break room. But I also don’t like cleaning it all up myself. I wonder how we could remind everyone to take care of their own trash.” Or, “I worry that you’re angry with me when you’re so quiet. Could you tell me what you’re thinking?”
Ask for feedback. Ask others for suggestions about how you can overcome your weaknesses. Also ask the Lord to help you understand your weakness (see Ether 12:27).
Be kind to others. When thinking about others, avoid making negative judgments about them or giving them negative labels. Don’t try to make yourself feel better by thinking about other people’s faults.
Focus on fixing problems, not people. When people do things that bother you, focus on identifying and fixing the underlying problems, not on criticizing the people or trying to fix them. When you are speaking to people, try to keep an even tone that is not angry or self-pitying (see Ephesians 4:29–32).
Don’t take offense. Take suggestions from others with as much grace and humor as you can. Do this even if someone is rude. If you feel that someone is criticizing you, say, “Thanks for the feedback. I’ll work on that.”
Compliment and serve others often. Thank others for things you appreciate, and point out things they do well. Look for little ways to serve and help others every day.
Pray for the gift of charity. Do so “with all the energy of heart” (Moroni 7:48). Ask for eyes to see others as God sees them. Include in your prayers the people who reject you and hurt you (see 3 Nephi 12:44).

D. Getting Along with Leaders

Be humble. Humility is a vital part of being teachable and willing to improve (see Doctrine and Covenants 112:10). Ask your leaders for suggestions on how you can improve. Be willing to take counsel from them, and let them know they can count on you. Thank your leaders for their service, both verbally and in writing.
Try to be a good follower. Some people distrust authority figures or find it hard to take direction. They may be used to being their own boss. Others may feel competitive with coworkers. Let your leaders know if you have these challenges. Pray for humility to be a good follower.
Pray for all your leaders. Pray for your leaders, especially for leaders toward whom you have unkind feelings.
Realize that leaders are human. Sometimes we think leaders are supposed to be much better than other people. If so, we may be disappointed and become critical when they make mistakes. Leaders can get impatient, show poor judgment, and misunderstand us. If you see imperfections, look for positive attributes as well (see Mormon 9:31).
Learn from your leader’s strengths. Make a list of qualities your leader has that you want to emulate when it is your turn to lead.

E. Helping Others Understand Your Mission Assignment

Explain what a service mission is. Some Church members may not understand what a service mission is. You could say, “Service missionaries serve at Church or community facilities up to 40 hours a week. They have mission rules and guidelines that are different from those for proselyting missionaries. For example, I’ll be living at home. I’ll be serving at for hours a week. I’ll be able to participate in the young single adult ward and its activities in my free time.”
Explain that you are called as a representative of Jesus Christ and His Church. This calling is the same for every missionary and does not change when assignments change. But your assignment, hours, or time of service may change. For example, you might have been reassigned to a service mission because of health problems. You can say, “I’m still a missionary. But I’ve been reassigned to a new mission, where I will now be focusing my service.”
Let people know what you want and need. You may be just starting your service mission. You might invite ward members to learn about what you are doing. Ask them to be supportive. If you have been reassigned, you might ask for a few minutes in a Relief Society or elders quorum meeting. Explain to the members your change of assignment and ask for support. If you are nearing the end of your mission, you might ask others for help. Ask for help in finding a job or getting into school as you make the transition.