The Mackintosh Family Story

Becky’s Story

Becky has always loved her son Xian. When he came out as gay, she gradually learned more about love than she ever thought possible—especially that unconditional love doesn’t mean condoning. She refused to deny her faith, and she refused to deny her love for her son.

I’m a Latter-day Saint, and I have a gay son. I love him with all my heart, might, and soul. And I love my religion with all my heart, might, and soul. It’s the core of who I am. I will never, never, ever turn my back on my son, and I will never, never, ever leave my religious faith. Period. I’ve been asked how and why. It’s because God has made it clear to me that I am to love my son Xian unconditionally.

I admit it took me a while to truly understand what “unconditional love” meant. I confused “loving” with “condoning.” But once I figured out what unconditional love really meant, my heart grew a hundred fold—not only for my son but also for every person everywhere. My faith runs deep. I cannot deny it. And I will never deny my deep love for my son either.

As I reflect on our journey, I can see many things God has taught me through Xian. My faith has been stretched in ways I never thought possible. He taught me what it really means to have compassion, empathy, and love unfeigned. When Xian said to me, “Mom, I don’t know what my future is, but marrying a girl does not seem possible,” it was tough to hear, especially knowing my son was stepping away from the Church. And now that he’s in a relationship, our family has learned to extend our circle of love. Turning them away would not be in line with what the Savior teaches.

Love might seem like a question in situations like ours, but really, it’s the answer. I’ve learned that my actions, facilitated by prayer, involve recognizing those around me who might be suffering. I have worked harder at coming from a place of love. I have learned that if I focus on the positive and approach difficult situations from a place of love, I see beauty and wonder instead of disaster and heartache.

While Xian was growing up, I wondered about him. It wasn’t anything I could put into words, and I didn’t want to give it much thought. I brushed away my thoughts by telling myself he just didn’t want to have a girlfriend before his mission. I was thrilled he wanted to serve a mission on his own accord, and he did. He served an honorable mission to the Detroit, Michigan, mission. Upon returning from his mission, he went to school at BYU–Hawaii, majoring in social work. Then, Christmas break of his senior year in college, he sent me a message that included the statement “Mom, I’m gay.” I do feel like the Lord was preparing me for that.

Several months prior to him coming out to us, I received some strong impressions that Xian was gay. What I had feared was going to be a reality. Still, I didn’t want to believe it. Even after reading the words “Mom, I’m gay,” I couldn’t quite believe it at first. It really took me aback. As reality sank in, a flood of questions raced through my mind. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? How can I fix him? What will others think?

That first night as I sat with my son on the couch and listened, trying to make sense of what I was hearing, I felt his pain, his sorrow, and his hope for a better tomorrow. I told him I loved him and that my love would never change. Then, I hate to admit it, but I started giving him advice—as if I knew anything about what he’d been going through. I shared what I thought were words of comfort and hope regarding the gospel, not realizing they were actually daggers piercing my son’s heart, over and over. They were things he already knew because he’d heard them a hundred times while growing up. At some point, I began to realize Xian needed me to listen and to love him, as if nothing had changed. After all, he was the same kid I’d grown to know and love.

I wish I could say it was easy and natural for me to simply listen and love. I didn’t really figure that out until much later. I thought I was listening and loving that night, but I realized I could do better. I am grateful for a patient son. He cried a lot, and I wasn’t sure why. I kept telling him I loved him, but there were so many tears.

When he went back to college, I was focused on trying to “fix” him rather than loving him. More than anything, I wanted to hear him say that even though he was gay, he was staying committed to the gospel. That way, my heart could feel peace and all would be well. I would send him emails filled with scriptures and quotes from Church leaders that I thought would bring him comfort and help him get back on track. They only made things more difficult for him and distanced our relationship.

As I changed my focus to loving Xian, really loving him, no matter what, and listening to him, really listening, our relationship improved. The tears subsided.

Not only is love the answer; it’s also a conscious choice, a choice the Lord wants us to make. As I strive to be more loving, the Lord fills in the gaps—and then some.

Nobody is perfect, but I can be perfect at trying to be perfectly kind, perfectly loving, and responding from a place of love.

As I have opened my heart and arms wider than I ever thought I could, my heart has grown a hundred fold. My door is open to everyone and anyone.

God hasn’t given me all the answers. That would be too easy. Rather, He has answered my prayers as only a loving Heavenly Father can. As I have turned to Him for understanding and guidance, He has given me more reasons to trust Him and lean on Him. He has also given me more to learn.

Maybe I should be curled up in a ball crying and thinking, “What’s happened to my eternal family?” But I’ve learned the importance of letting it go. I lay it all at the Savior’s feet, again and again. Then it feels like this huge load is lifted, and I have peace.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27).

I continue to trust and let the Spirit guide me, remembering that He loves our children far more than we can. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted, respected and trusted, valued for who they are. We are all brothers and sisters. I feel fortunate to know we have a loving Heavenly Father, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, works through a living prophet who guides and directs us and will never lead us astray. As I follow His counsel and guidance, remembering the family is central to the plan of salvation, I’m able to keep loving and keep the lines of communication open.

Elder Richard G. Scott states: “You become an instrument through which the Lord can bless another. The Spirit will let you feel the Savior’s concern and interest, then the warmth and strength of His love” (“To Be Healed,” Ensign, May 1994, 9).

I have found this to be true as I have sincerely strived to be an instrument in the Lord’s hands. I trust that as I love Xian and all my children and others completely, all will work out according to God’s perfect judgment.

I hope we can all reach out in love and kindness to our SSA/LGBT neighbors, family members, and friends. We can help each other, be understanding, and show love, just like our Savior does for us. We can reach out, send a text, give a hug, take a plate of cookies, send flowers, or invite someone to dinner. Love is the answer. Kindness is the way—it’s the Savior’s way.

Scott’s Story

Scott thought being gay was a choice, even after his son came out. His first response was anger, but he held back. Later his son assured him it wasn’t a choice. That’s when Scott realized the truth, expressed his love, and apologized for the insensitive comments he’d made in the past.

Becky and I have been married for over 30 years, and we have seven children. A few years ago, as we were raising our family in the Church, we were going along thinking everything was just fine. Then Xian, our middle son, came home from college on a Christmas break and sent my wife and me the following private Facebook message:

“Hey, I’m not going to beat around the bush too much. I’m just going to tell you something that I’m sure you already know. Or it has at least crossed your mind plenty of times. I’m gay. I’m sure this isn’t the best news a parent could hear, but I feel like it’s not right for me to not talk to you about something that’s very real to me. I want you to know I’m still very much the same weird Xian, haha. I love you so much, and you’re the best parents a kid could ask for. This is why it’s taken me so long to tell you. I’m fine with the pain it can bring me, at times, but I just didn’t want to hurt you because you don’t deserve it. Once again, I love you very much. I want to keep this brief because I’m sure you’d rather talk in person and I’m 100% fine with that. I haven’t told anyone before, ever. I wanted you two to be the first to know.”

I read it and said to myself, “No, I didn’t know that, and I didn’t think it either. Why would I ever think that?” The fact that he came out and told us in a message on Facebook was mindboggling to me. But looking back, that was one of the most ingenious things he could’ve done. Because it gave me time to take it in and to react without him there, to get rid of my anger. I probably would have said some things to him that I would have regretted.

Then I went to Becky, who was in the next room, to see if she’d gotten the same Facebook message. I was so angry. I couldn’t figure out why Xian would choose something like being gay because, at the time, I assumed people chose it. And I said some mean things. I’m glad Becky was the only one who heard them.

By the time Xian got back to our house that night, I’d gone to sleep. Becky was awake, though, so she talked to him. When she came back into the room, I said, “Where have you been?”

“I was down talking to Xian.”

“Okay, how did that go?”

“It went well.”

So I got up to go talk to him and Becky said, “Be kind. Please be kind.” It’s sad that she even had to tell me that. I went downstairs and gave Xian a big hug. Then I just said, “I love you.”

Xian really appreciated it. Then he commented, “Dad, you know you’ve said some really mean things over the years.” He was right. In my mind, I figured gay people had chosen it. And if they’d chosen it, then they deserved whatever negativity I could give them.

I didn’t even know what to say back to him. All I could come up with was, “Hey, let’s get some sleep and we’ll talk later.” Xian went back to college, and I decided I’d try to “fix” him. I would read everything I could find about the topic from a Church point of view and send it to Xian to read. Then he’d send me something else, written more from his perspective. I remained pretty closed-minded. I kept hoping, so badly, it would go away, like it was just a phase he was going through.

After a couple of years like that, Xian was back home from college again and said, “Dad, I thought we were gonna talk. I mean, really talk.”

I came right back with, “All right, let’s talk.” I started letting him have all of the ammunition I’d saved up. “Xian, why would you choose this? Why?” And he just looked at me and chuckled. Not an in-your-face kind of laugh. Just a chuckle. I’m sure he’d heard that so many times, it seemed ridiculous.

Then he said, “Dad, I didn’t choose this. Why would anyone choose this?”

That’s when it hit me. All the pain and suffering from all the jokes I’d told him, all the mean comments, all the times that I said something snide about somebody else to the whole family with him sitting there thinking, “My dad has no idea that he’s talking about me.” All those times just came flooding back to me. The pain my son had gone through. That was an about-face for me. And that’s when inspiration came flooding in.

I remembered a story I’d heard years before. A sportswriter was assigned to cover the Olympics—the rowing, canoeing, and kayaking. He interviewed one of the team captains and asked, “What about the wind? What about the rain? What about the wake from the other boats?”

The team captain kept answering, “That’s outside my boat.” When the journalist asked what he meant by that, he said, “Those are things I can’t control. So it doesn’t do me any good to worry about them. I focus on the things that are in my boat.”

So while I was sitting there talking to Xian, I realized I’d been trying to “fix” him, and that wasn’t my job. It wasn’t in my boat. I also realized I’d been judgmental. But as Christians, we believe Christ is to be the judge. So I put that in Christ’s boat instead. What I was left with, in my boat, was to love. All of my kids need my love—the love of a father. None of them should be shunned.

And my faith in the gospel doesn’t need to be shunned either. Becky and I both love the gospel, and I’m so glad to be married to a woman who believes the same thing I do. Some people think that because we love our gay son, then we must have distanced ourselves from the Church. Actually, living the gospel is the best thing we can do for our family. I told Xian we’d never leave the Church for him, and he said he wouldn’t expect us to.

Loving unconditionally doesn’t mean leaving the Church because of what a child might be going through. Becky and I listen to our Church leaders at conference, and we’re grateful this topic is being addressed. It’s good to see them moving in a direction where we can talk openly and compassionately about it.

The Mackintosh Family Story

Scott Mackintosh: I’m Scott Mackintosh. I married a beautiful young lady named Becky. I love the outdoors, camping, and hunting; I enjoy it with my family.

Becky Mackintosh: I’m Becky Mackintosh, and I live in Lehi, Utah. I have seven children and seven grandchildren.

Xian Mackintosh: My name is Xian Mackintosh; I just recently graduated with my social degree in mental health.

Becky Mackintosh: Xian, he’s a jokester; he likes to make people laugh.

Scott Mackintosh: He loves animals. We’ve had hedgehogs; we’ve had ferrets; we had goats that we milked every day for seven years, and he was right in the middle of it.

Becky Mackintosh: When Xian came out to us, he sent us a private Facebook message, to his father and I.

Xian Mackintosh: I was driving to Salt Lake to say goodbye to some of my friends who live here, and I realized I need to do this and I need to do it right now.

Scott Mackintosh: Hey, I’m not going to beat around the bush; I just need to tell you guys that I’m gay.

Xian Mackintosh: And I let them know that I was gay, and that was the first time I had actually said those words and wrote them to someone.

Scott Mackintosh: It may have been something that you’ve thought of or wondered about.

Xian Mackintosh: I’m still your same son; I love you a lot. I never wanted to hurt you.

Scott Mackintosh: I look at that and, no, I hadn’t thought about that; why would I ever think of that?

Xian Mackintosh: It doesn’t seem like the normal way to come out.

Scott Mackintosh: The fact that he came out and told us in a message on Facebook was mind-boggling to me.

Xian Mackintosh: But with my parents, I feel like that was the best way. They could read it; they’d be able to think about it in their minds and have their reactions without me seeing it.

Scott Mackintosh: Looking back, that was one of the most ingenious things he could have done, because it gave me time to take it in, to get rid of all the anger.

Becky Mackintosh: And I immediately called him up and said, “I got your message. Hurry home so we can talk.”

Xian Mackintosh: I got home, and me and my mom had a conversation.

Becky Mackintosh: I started giving him all this advice.

Xian Mackintosh: I remember the first thing she did. She had her hands like this, and she said, “Okay, so what are we going to do about this?” I just didn’t really know how to respond to that, and she said, “Well, obviously we need to get you on some type of testosterone; you might have your levels out of whack.” I just thought, “Mom, it’s not testosterone.”

Scott Mackintosh: I said, “So where have you been?” She said, “I was down talking to Xian.” I said, “Okay, how’d that go?” And she says, “It went well.” And she said, “Just be kind; please be kind.” Which is sad that she had to even tell me that.

Xian Mackintosh: There weren’t really words exchanged other than he gave me a big hug and he said, “I love you.” And I mean, that meant the world to me, even though he had all these emotions in his head and he didn’t understand it and I’m sure he had the anger. The first thing that came out of his mouth was what I needed to hear.

Scott Mackintosh: For the next several years, we just dealt with it. I just hoped so badly it would go away; this was a phase he was going through.

Xian Mackintosh: My mom and dad’s reaction at the first, even though they did let me know they loved me, it wasn’t the best. They didn’t understand that I had been living this for 24 years.

Scott Mackintosh: I absolutely tried to fix everything for the first two years.

Xian Mackintosh: My dad is a great guy; he’s an awesome person, but he’s a very manly man. So for him to have a gay son would be not only, I felt like, very embarrassing for him but something that he just wouldn’t be able to accept.

Scott Mackintosh: In my mind they had chosen this, and if they chose this, they deserve every bit of negativity I can give them.

Xian Mackintosh: I came home for the Christmas break, and we didn’t talk about it. We definitely had conversations about everything else, but we didn’t have conversations about the fact that I was gay.

Scott Mackintosh: And he said, “Dad, I thought we were going to talk; I mean really talk.” All right, let’s talk.

Xian Mackintosh: I was scared, too, and I’m sure he was just as nervous.

Scott Mackintosh: So I started letting him have all the ammunition that I’d saved up. I just blurted out, “Xian, why would you choose this? Why?” And he just looked at me and he just chuckled, not a laugh like in your face but just chuckled. It caught him so funny, and he said, “Dad, I didn’t choose this.”

Xian Mackintosh: Why would anyone choose this? I think that’s when he kind of started to understand.

Scott Mackintosh: And once that hit me—the pain and the suffering and all the jokes that I told him, all the mean comments, all the times that I said something snide about somebody else to the whole family and him sitting in that back seat, sitting there thinking, “My dad has no idea that he’s talking about me”—all those times just came flooding back to me, of the pain that my son had gone through. From that time on it’s been an about-face. It’s been a change, and I just put my arms around my son and loved him.

Becky Mackintosh: So, two years later he said to me, “Mom, I don’t know what my future is, but I don’t know that I can marry a girl.”

Xian Mackintosh: Even though despite years and years of trying, show me a girl that I can be interested in, and I just knew eventually that that wasn’t something that was going to happen for me.

Becky Mackintosh: That was tough, realizing that he was stepping away from the Church.

Xian Mackintosh: I slowly came to where I am today—which is openly gay.

Scott Mackintosh: See my son who is in a relationship with another man, OK, that’s not really in harmony with what we taught.

Becky Mackintosh: I should be curled up in a ball, crying and thinking, “What’s happened to my eternal family?” Once you let it go, like I’m laying this on the Savior’s feet, it does just feel like this big load is lifted and you have a peace.

Xian Mackintosh: What I do need to know is that she still loves me, because that was my fear.

Becky Mackintosh: My door will be open to everyone and anyone.

Xian Mackintosh: And that was huge to me to know, that we may have differences, but at the end of the day we’re still family. I treat people, and my respect for others, has so much to do with how I was brought up and raised in the gospel.

Scott Mackintosh: I feel that our Savior allows us to have things in our lives that are going to make us stronger. I can’t help but think that that’s what the Savior feels about Xian. I can’t help but feel that the Savior loves him deeply.