“Guidelines for the Instructor,” Strengthening Marriage: Instructor’s Guide (2006), v–xi

“Guidelines,” Strengthening Marriage, v–xi

Guidelines for the Instructor

Strengthening marriage is essential, especially in these latter days when confusion and temptation abound. Speaking of our time, President Gordon B. Hinckley said: “The family is falling apart all over the world. The old ties that bound together father and mother and children are breaking everywhere. … Hearts are broken; children weep. Can we not do better? Of course we can.”¹

This course was created in response to the need for stronger family relationships and was written to benefit as many people as possible. It contains gospel principles and skills to help participants improve their marriages.

Use this instructor’s guide in conjunction with the resource guide for couples. It provides supplemental information to help you conduct class sessions successfully.

Several ideas in this introduction and in the appendix were adapted from the instructor’s guide of Principles of Parenting, a series written by H. Wallace Goddard and published by the Alabama Cooperative Extension Service.²

Administering the Course

The course should typically be taught to groups of 20 or fewer participants by professionals at LDS Family Services agencies or by volunteers in wards and stakes. A typical course will last six to eight sessions. Sessions are usually 90 minutes in length. Strengthening Marriage: Resource Guide for Couples includes six topics that may be used in group meetings. Although you will select the topics that you think will best address the needs of class members, you should teach session 1, “Applying Gospel Principles,” as the first session of the course. To be addressed adequately, some topics may require two or more class sessions.

Consider the following suggestions for administering the course:

Follow agency guidelines for charging group fees when the course is sponsored by an agency of LDS Family Services. When the course is sponsored by a stake or ward, the fee should cover only the cost of materials. Participants should pay the fee at the beginning of the course to help encourage attendance.
Encourage couples to attend sessions together to foster harmonious relationships. The principles they learn can draw them together when they both participate, but these principles can become a wedge if one person is uninvolved or unsupportive.
Keep track of the number of sessions attended by each participant by taking roll each time you meet (see page 66 in the appendix).
Contact the nearest LDS Family Services agency if you have questions about teaching the course. Agency locations and telephone numbers can be found at www.ldsfamilyservices.org.

Announcing the Course

When you share information about the course, describe what individuals and couples can gain by attending. A list of benefits will more readily motivate couples than a list of topics to be discussed.

The benefits of the course are many. Individuals who participate will learn how to resolve conflict, foster greater intimacy and trust, and make marriage a priority so they can enjoy greater happiness together. They will learn to listen and to share sensitive and painful feelings and to handle angry feelings appropriately. They will gain a better appreciation for the eternal significance of the marriage covenant and of the eternal possibilities that come through celestial marriage. They will learn to develop greater unity, equality, and mutual respect.

Consider using the information sheet on page 64 in the appendix to share information about the course.

Qualifications to Teach This Course

This course may be taught by any adult who is knowledgeable about relationship skills and the challenges couples face in marriage. Some keys to teaching this course effectively include sensitivity to others, a knowledge of the gospel, and an understanding of the sanctity of marriage and an appreciation for it.

The most important qualification for teaching this course is your personal preparation to receive the guidance of the Holy Ghost. The Lord said, “The Spirit shall be given unto you by the prayer of faith; and if ye receive not the Spirit ye shall not teach” (D&C 42:14). Most people have had the experience of stumbling through a lesson in which thoughts seem disconnected and the message is lost on a disinterested audience. Contrast those experiences with the times when the Spirit was present, when information and impressions came to mind, when words flowed more readily and the Spirit communicated truth to the hearts and minds of others.

Effective Teaching

You will be most effective as a teacher as you seek inspiration and as you bring your own knowledge, ideas, experiences, and personality to the class. When you teach by the Spirit, you will help participants reflect on their own experiences and learn how to improve their marriages. Consider how you can use your experiences to teach and reinforce the principles and skills. Put your heart into your teaching, and you will find great joy in your interaction with class members.

The wealth of experience of each participant is a great asset to you as you teach the course. Recognize the responsibility of each individual for his or her marriage, and share your knowledge and expertise as guided by the Spirit. You should understand that your responsibility is to open doors to new possibilities, not to dictate to course participants. Each class is a collaborative effort, with you and class members sharing ideas and insights and offering support.

As you share your knowledge, experiences, and insights, encourage class members to think about their own experiences and strengths. Help them identify principles that can help them improve, and encourage them as they develop skills to apply those principles. As you practice these same skills, you will grow in your ability as a teacher.

Use the course manual as it is intended, seeking guidance from the Spirit in determining what to teach and how to teach. After prayerfully considering the principles in this manual, organize your presentation by considering what individual class members need to learn about the subject you are teaching. Try asking yourself, “What do class members need to learn today?” You will likely come up with one or two main ideas. Then consider what supporting ideas will help class members understand the main ideas. Once you have identified a main idea and supporting ideas, determine the best way to present them. The following teaching strategies may help you as you plan.

Using Stories to Illustrate a Principle

To begin a session, you might write the main idea or principle on a chalkboard and then tell a story that illustrates it. Stories are effective because they can touch hearts and change lives; they can illustrate abstract principles and make them easier to understand. Life is made up of stories, and people easily remember stories and the principles they teach.

The Savior taught powerfully through the use of stories. Try to keep the stories you tell short and as simple as possible. Be careful not to tell too many personal stories. They may invade the privacy of your spouse and offend others as well.

Class members will have difficulty relating to personal stories if your marriage seems too perfect. Too many of such stories may discourage class members in their own efforts to change. If it seems appropriate, share some stories about challenges you have faced and struggles you have had as well as stories about your successes. When you share these stories, explain what you have learned from those experiences. Be positive and explain what you have done to improve. If your stories disclose too many problems, you may lose credibility and participants may get the idea that the principles you teach do not work.

Role Playing

After you have taught class members how to apply a principle in marriage, you might reinforce the principle through role play. The best role playing often occurs when you start by saying, “What usually happens in this situation?” Have someone act it out. The class can then discuss the mistakes couples often make in these situations. After some discussion, you might say: “Let’s role-play the situation again, this time applying the principle we’ve been discussing. Then we’ll see what worked and where additional improvement is needed.”

This method of training is often an effective way to help individuals and couples change their behavior. Here is a brief outline:

Teach a principle and how it can be applied to a marriage situation.
Invite someone to role-play a typical way of responding to the situation.
Discuss the role play and how couples could apply the principle in the situation.
Invite someone to role-play how to apply the principle to the situation.
Discuss the role play and how the principle could be applied more effectively.
Continue the process of role play and discussion until participants are familiar with effective ways to apply the principle.³

Participants should not be expected to perform perfectly. They may discover that they do some things well but need to improve in other areas. They may also see that they do not have to be perfect right away; they can improve over time. As you observe things they do well, point out their strengths. Other class members may want to role-play the same situation as the session progresses, or they may want to choose one of their own. Participants can continue to practice applying a principle until they understand the skills they need to learn.

Use wisdom when involving participants in role play. It is best to pair only husband and wife together for role play. Where relationships are already in trouble, mixed role play could invite nonmarital attachments that compromise the relationship between a husband and a wife.

If class members seem uncomfortable with role playing, choose other activities to reinforce the principles you teach. For example, you can engage class members in a discussion of how to apply the principle in other situations, either in personal situations or in situations that involve couples they know (without indulging in gossip or disclosing identifying information).

Inviting and Guiding Class Discussion

Discussion is a valuable teaching tool. When you invite discussion, you show that you value the insight and experience of others and that you do not feel you have to know all the answers to every problem. You also show that challenges can be resolved in many ways. Rely on the Spirit to help you teach, and recognize that the Spirit will inspire others as well. Ask class members for their suggestions. They will benefit from hearing a variety of ideas.

Some class members will immediately feel comfortable enough to participate in class discussions. Others are more reserved and tend not to offer their opinions and insights. The course will be most meaningful for individuals if they have an opportunity to participate. Other class members will benefit from their insight as well. Make the class environment safe by showing respect for all class members. Show that you value the opinion and experience of each individual, and do not permit anyone to make fun of the comments of others.

The following guidelines will help you invite and guide class participation and will help make the class environment comfortable for class members.

Set clear ground rules to help each person feel safe in participating. Include the following:
- Confidentiality. Personal information shared in the class remains in the class.
- Brevity. Comments from participants should be brief.
- Balance. Participants may speak as often as they wish as long as they allow other participants to have an equal opportunity.
- Patience and kindness. Individuals will need time to learn and integrate new skills. Participants should be patient and kind with each other and with themselves.
- Encouragement. Participants should encourage each other as they apply course information in their lives.
- Forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes, even after being taught new ways of doing things. Each class member needs to understand the importance of forgiving oneself and others.^*
Ask questions that invite opinions rather than a single correct answer. For example, you could ask, “What do you think are some of the most important qualities of a good husband or wife?” instead of “What is the most important quality … ?” People will be more willing to share their ideas when they know you are not searching for just one response.
Respect everyone’s comments. Consider writing a short summary of each comment on the board, showing that you acknowledge what was said. Give sincere compliments, such as “These are great ideas.” Thank those who offer comments, even when a comment may be questionable. While taking care to be respectful, ensure that no false or misleading concepts are accepted as being factual.
Tactfully direct questions to others when one person tends to dominate a discussion. This redirection is not always easy because some participants want to talk extensively about their marriage problems. While their intentions may be good, you should not allow them to use up needed instruction time or deprive others of a chance to share their experiences. Listen carefully and acknowledge feelings, but move the focus to other class members. You could say something like this: “That sounds like it has been a real challenge for you. I’ll be interested to know how the principles and skills you learn during this workshop help you. Who else has a situation or challenge to share?” or “You have raised some difficult questions that might be better addressed in later sessions.”
Some participants may recommend unacceptable behavior. Rather than condemn the approach and cause embarrassment, help the person explore new ideas. You may say: “That sounds difficult. I’ll share some ideas later on that subject that you may find particularly helpful. The class also will have some ideas.” Do not debate with class members about different approaches.
When participants feel safe, valued, and respected, you can help them become more sensitive to each other’s feelings. As they describe experiences they have had, ask questions such as “If you were your spouse in that situation, what do you think you would have felt?” “Why might that have been particularly difficult for your spouse?” or “If you had experienced the situation, how do you think you would feel?” Ask these questions in a nonaccusatory way. As individuals relate the feelings of their spouse to their own experiences, they may begin to understand their spouse better.
Ask questions that help you assess the needs of class participants. Guide the discussion in ways that are relevant to their needs. Adapt the program and learning activities to their abilities.
Have the participants identify situations in which they behave improperly. Have them discuss and write a plan for responding differently in those situations.
Use appropriate humor and be enthusiastic and energetic.
Break up lecture time with a variety of activities–invite class discussion, tell a story, or have a class activity to keep the pace lively.
After each session, thank those who have participated.

* Colored text indicates information available in Strengthening Marriage: Resource Guide for Couples.

Following a Schedule

Discussion can sometimes become so dynamic and interesting that you may have difficulty moving the class on to the next activity. Once class members have understood a principle and know how to apply it, additional discussion may waste time you need for other activities. Redirect the discussion or move on to the next activity when it is time to do so.

A schedule written on the board can sometimes help you maintain a good pace. The schedule could be as detailed or as general as is useful. You could write something like the following:

7:00 to 7:15–Review of past concepts and learning activities
7:15 to 7:30–Need for conflict resolution skills
7:30 to 7:45–Steps in conflict resolution
7:45 to 8:30–Practicing conflict-resolution skills⁴

If you are ready to move to the next subject of instruction and class members still want to discuss the previous subject, you might point to the schedule and say: “You have some great ideas and insights. Maybe we can discuss them later. For now, let’s go to the next topic.” However, if you feel that class members will benefit from further discussion on a topic, you can change the schedule.

Using Media

When it is appropriate, select short media segments from CDs, DVDs, or videocassettes to help you teach concepts and to focus the attention of class members. It is recommended that Church-approved media be used. Short segments are better than long ones in holding the interest of participants. Make sure that you do not violate any copyright laws. If you have questions about usage, call the Church Intellectual Property Office at 1-801-240-3959.

Modeling What You Teach

The goal of this course is to teach effective skills and encourage individuals to use those skills to strengthen their marriages. The class setting is a good opportunity for you to model, as well as teach, good principles, attitudes, and skills. Teach individuals to be kind and gentle by treating them with kindness. Be sensitive, empathetic, and caring, especially when participants need redirection. Use good communication skills. Some individuals seldom encounter someone who will listen to them carefully. The way you interact with them may be as significant as the information you provide. Your positive example can help them change the way they relate to each other in marriage.

Some class members may, on occasion, be frustrated or even angry and hostile. Your manner of response may make all the difference in how much these class members gain from the course. As you respond with kindness, you will demonstrate good listening and problem-solving skills. Do not allow someone who is angry to take over or to dominate class interactions.

Starting and Ending the Course

The suggestions that follow will help you begin and end the course effectively.

Getting Started

To help the first class go smoothly, you may want to do the following:

If the building is unfamiliar to class members, consider placing signs to mark the way to the classroom and to restrooms.
Bring copies of Strengthening Marriage: Resource Guide for Couples for the participants. You could also have name tags and markers or pens available so class members can make name tags and wear them until they get to know each other by name.
If the class is sponsored by an agency of LDS Family Services, give participants the agency’s telephone number so they can call if they have questions.

Be sure to allow 15 to 30 minutes at the beginning of subsequent sessions to review the concepts and learning activities that were presented in the previous session.

Follow-up and Evaluation

During the last session, you may want to do the following:

Distribute copies of the Program Evaluation Form (see page 67 in the appendix), and have each participant complete it.
Recognize the efforts and progress of participants. (Page 68 in the appendix contains a certificate that you may want to use.)