“Session One: Applying Gospel Principles,” Strengthening Marriage: Instructor’s Guide (2006), xii–10

“Session One,” Strengthening Marriage, xii–10

Session One

Applying Gospel Principles

With discipleship comes divine guidance in all aspects of living, including how to be a good husband or wife.

Session Objectives

During this session, help participants:

Understand the possibilities for peace and happiness in marriage.
Have greater hope that they can achieve happiness as they apply the principles of the gospel in their marriages.
Begin to apply these four principles to strengthen their marriages:
- Abide by gospel principles.
- Commit to stay married and resolve differences.
- Keep covenants.
- Try to improve each day.

The Foundation for Happiness in Marriage

President Ezra Taft Benson taught: “Marriage … is the most glorious and most exalting principle of the gospel of Jesus Christ. No ordinance is of more importance and none more sacred and more necessary to the eternal joy of man. Faithfulness to the marriage covenant brings the fullest joy here and glorious rewards hereafter.”¹

Couples can strengthen their relationships and keep their families safe by following the counsel given in the proclamation on the family.² They can find solutions to the problems they face by studying the teachings of the Savior and His servants and by praying diligently for the Lord’s guidance, thereby establishing their marriage relationship on the foundation of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Through prayer, they can receive strength to keep their covenants and to work together. They can repent of bad habits and forgive each other. Couples can also learn problem-solving and communication skills to resolve disagreements and avoid potential conflicts.

The Breakdown of Family Life

President Hinckley warned of the breakdown in family life: “The family is falling apart all over the world. … Hearts are broken; children weep.”³ When faced with problems and challenges in marriage, some individuals become discouraged and want to give up. Many others commit themselves to their marriage relationship, work on resolving their problems, and enjoy peace, happiness, and fulfillment in marriage.

While the possibility of achieving happiness is great, many people struggle with frustration, unhappiness, and despair. Marriage is threatened from the outside by social policies and practices and the rush of everyday life. It is threatened from the inside by bad habits, misunderstanding, and pride. Serious problems are not easily overcome, and some couples seem to struggle endlessly over the same problems that have undermined their relationships for years. Recognizing the threat to families, the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve warned in the family proclamation that “the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.”⁴

These calamities are readily apparent in society. Couples who once thought divorce was the best solution for an unhappy marriage discover that it often causes unforeseen problems. In a study of the long-term effects of divorce, clinical psychologist Judith Wallerstein, along with coauthors Julia Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee, concluded that divorce disrupts the lives of children and affects their behavior and decisions for the rest of their lives.⁵

Linda Waite of the University of Chicago and coauthor Maggie Gallagher found that divorce often has other damaging consequences for children, including increased delinquency and crime, fewer opportunities for education, and more problems with mental and physical health.⁶ They found that children are more likely to be abused by a parent’s boyfriend or girlfriend or by a stepparent than by biological parents.⁷

Challenges in marriage arise from many factors, as President Spencer W. Kimball observed:

“Two people coming from different backgrounds soon learn after the ceremony is performed that stark reality must be faced. There is no longer a life of fantasy or of make-believe; we must come out of the clouds and put our feet firmly on the earth. Responsibility must be assumed and new duties must be accepted. Some personal freedoms must be relinquished and many adjustments, unselfish adjustments, must be made.

“One comes to realize very soon after marriage that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed or discovered. The virtues that were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses that seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizeable proportions. … The habits of years now show themselves; the spouse may be stingy or prodigal, lazy or industrious, devout or irreligious, kind and cooperative or petulant and cross, demanding or giving, egotistical or self-effacing. The in-law problem comes closer into focus and the relationship of the spouses to them is again magnified.”⁸

Good News for Marriage

President Kimball assured couples that even with these and other challenges marriage can be successful: “While every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”⁹

Though they will have differences and disagreements, couples can successfully resolve them. Problems are best resolved when both spouses strive to overcome them. Unfortunately, both partners are not always equally motivated to save their marriage. When husband and wife have different degrees of motivation, the more devoted partner should take courage in knowing that persistence in applying relationship principles can sometimes bring eventual success to their marriage. One spouse’s love, commitment, and eternal perspective can often sustain the marriage until the other spouse matures or repents and realizes the loss and damage that would occur if the couple were to divorce. The law of the harvest–“whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap” (Galatians 6:7)–and turning the other cheek (see Matthew 5:39) apply to marriage as well as other relationships.

Strengthening Marriage

Individuals will strengthen their marriages as they:

Abide by gospel teachings.
Commit themselves to their marriages.
Keep the covenants that they have made.
Try to improve each day.

Abide by Gospel Principles

Normal differences between spouses escalate into conflict and disharmony when couples see each other and their relationship in a distorted, deceptive, or untrue way. Couples can overcome these distortions as they learn to follow Jesus Christ.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles observed that the gospel helps people see clearly and with proper perspective: “Because looking at life and others through the lens of the gospel provides eternal perspective, if we look long enough as well as often enough, we can see much more clearly. … Such things as a mess of pottage and thirty pieces of silver and moments of sensual pleasure totally disappear from view; so does an improved golf swing or tennis serve when compared with progress toward patience. So does redecorating the front room when placed alongside listening and teaching one’s children.”¹⁰ When people live the gospel, they see more clearly and make more appropriate choices.

Those who earnestly desire eternal marriage and a successful family life should seek to become true disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ. With discipleship comes divine guidance in all aspects of living, including direction on how to be a good marriage partner and parent. The Savior taught that He will help men and women overcome their weakness:

“If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

“Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me–the fountain of all righteousness” (Ether 12:27–28).

Similarly, the Prophet Joseph Smith taught, “The nearer man [or woman] approaches perfection, the clearer are his views, and the greater his enjoyments, till he has overcome the evils of his life and lost every desire for sin.”¹¹

Discipleship improves perspective and helps individuals see “things as they really are” (Jacob 4:13). Harmful reactions to others are replaced by love, patience, and long-suffering. Adherence to the nine family proclamation principles leads to personal righteousness and closeness to God. Appreciation for family members increases; divine guidance is made possible.

Life brings challenges, many of which come from our associations with others. But, as President Kimball observed, trials can become blessings when we see them from an eternal perspective:

“If we look at mortality as a complete existence, then pain, sorrow, failure, and short life could be a calamity. But if we look upon life as an eternal thing stretching far into the pre-earth past and on into the eternal post-death future, then all happenings may be put in proper perspective.

“Is there not wisdom in his giving us trials that we might rise above them, responsibilities that we might achieve, work to harden our muscles, sorrows to try our souls? Are we not permitted temptations to test our strength, sickness that we might learn patience, death that we might be immortalized and glorified?”¹²

Husbands and wives grow through trials, instruction, faith, personal righteousness, and spiritual guidance. With spiritual guidance, they receive a greater ability to overcome life’s problems and challenges, including those involving family.

Learning Activity: Changing Perspective

Invite class members to think of their reasons for taking this course. Ask them to write their responses to these questions:

What happens in your marriage when you feel as though you are seeing yourself and your spouse as Heavenly Father sees you both?
What happens when the cares and standards of the world seem to dominate your interactions?
What changes do you need to make to repair negative feelings and to maintain a better perspective in your relationship?
What might the Lord know about you that the two of you have not understood, such as your eternal possibilities, your premortal past, the life experiences that have influenced your behavior, and your potential to achieve an eternal marriage?
How might His perspective affect the way you relate to each other?

Commit to Stay Married and to Resolve Differences

All couples experience challenges in marriage. Unless they are firmly committed to each other, they will lack the foundation to face the storms of life. Committed couples care enough to work out problems.

Catherine Lundell, a marriage and family therapist, told of a couple struggling with serious problems in their marriage. They had planned to divorce by spring if they were unable to solve their problems. In several months of counseling, the couple made little progress and were ready to divorce, but Lundell refused to add her professional sanction to their decision. Instead, she reminded them of their covenants: “You are the ones who have to decide to break your covenants,” she told them. “You are the ones who will have to live with the decision.” When the couple returned for their next visit, they were “strangely affectionate and responsive to each other.” They explained that after thinking about their situation, they chose to commit themselves to their marriage. Although they still had problems to resolve, their renewed commitment made all the difference in their marriage.¹³

The Savior taught of the commitment that should be in a marriage: “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife. … Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:5–6).

Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy taught that marriage is a covenant, not a contract. Parties in a contractual arrangement often walk away when problems arise and disrupt the flow of benefits. “But when troubles come to a covenant marriage,” Elder Hafen said, “the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God.”¹⁴

The majority of couples who stay together find that they can work out problems. According to Waite and Gallagher, a high percentage of unhappily married couples who stay together resolve their problems and come to enjoy their marriage: “86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier. … Most say they’ve become very happy indeed. In fact, nearly three-fifths of those who said their marriage was unhappy … and who stayed married, rated this same marriage as either ‘very happy’ or ‘quite happy.’”¹⁵

This improvement also occurred in very unhappy marriages. Waite and Gallagher noted, “The very worst marriages showed the most dramatic turnarounds: 77 percent of the stably married people who rated their marriage as very unhappy … said that the same marriage was either ‘very happy’ or ‘quite happy’ five years later.”¹⁶

The couples who stay together enjoy other benefits as well. Waite and Gallagher found that these couples live longer,¹⁷ acquire more wealth,¹⁸ are healthier and happier,¹⁹ and experience more sexual fulfillment than unmarried people.²⁰

Keep Covenants

Covenants–sacred agreements between God and His children–bring added blessings to help save families. When couples encounter problems, they can remember their covenants to find strength to resolve difficulties. Covenants can help in several ways:

Covenants increase motivation. Through the new and everlasting covenant of marriage, the Lord has pledged that worthy couples shall inherit all that He has (see D&C 132:19–20). The Apostle Paul taught, “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him” (1 Corinthians 2:9). When husbands and wives remember their covenants, they can find inspiration and motivation to work on their marriages and resolve problems as they occur.

Covenants guide behavior. The covenants people make as they grow in the gospel help strengthen their relationships. At the time of baptism, members covenant to obey God’s commandments and to be like Jesus Christ. Abiding by the baptismal covenant will resolve most problems in marriage. Priesthood holders covenant to magnify their callings and accept direction from the Lord and His servants (see D&C 84:33–39, 43–44). Temple covenants also guide husbands and wives in their relationship with each other.

Covenants bless couples. When establishing His covenant with Abraham, the Lord promised, “I will bless thee above measure” (Abraham 2:9). The scriptures amply demonstrate that the Lord blesses and supports His covenant people. Those who follow Him become heirs to the blessings promised to Abraham. During times of difficulty, the Lord provides guidance and support to worthy husbands and wives. Ultimately, they will receive eternal happiness and exaltation in the celestial kingdom. Elder Bruce C. Hafen observed that through obedience to covenants, individuals will “discover hidden reservoirs of strength” and “deep, internal wellsprings of compassion.”²¹ These blessings strengthen couples during troubled times.

Covenants help save children. The blessings of the marriage covenant affect children as well as parents. Parents who keep this covenant are strengthened in teaching and raising their children. President Brigham Young taught, “When a man and a woman have received their endowments and sealings, and then had children born to them afterwards, those children are legal heirs to the Kingdom and to all its blessings and promises.”²² President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles reiterated the importance of temple covenants: “We cannot overemphasize the value of temple marriage, the binding ties of the sealing ordinance, and the standards of worthiness required of them. When parents keep the covenants they have made at the altar of the temple, their children will be forever bound to them.”²³ While parents cannot “force salvation upon those who do not want it,”²⁴ the blessings of temple covenants strengthen parents and their children.

A list of some of the covenants Church members make with God is on page 10. You may wish to photocopy this list and distribute it to class members.

Some worthy husbands and wives wonder what happens to their covenant blessings when a spouse violates the covenant they entered into together. When one spouse forsakes the covenant, the faithful partner is not denied the promised blessings. President Gordon B. Hinckley assured those so affected: “We do not look down upon you as failures because a marriage failed. … The Lord will not deny you nor turn you away.”²⁵ Likewise, a child retains the blessing of being born or sealed in the covenant even if one or both of the parents forsakes the covenant. A parent who keeps the covenant retains a covenant relationship with the child.

Try to Improve Each Day

Discouragement is one of Satan’s greatest tools. Many couples are overwhelmed at the thought of becoming “perfect, even as [our] Father which is in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). Aware of their own imperfections and faced with everyday family problems, they become discouraged. Eternal family life to them may seem like a fantasy. “I’ll never make it,” they lament. “Why even try?”

Individuals who give up on themselves, their spouses, or their children open the door for unrighteous influences. But those who seek to follow Jesus Christ can overcome those influences: “Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you” (James 4:7–8). With persistence, individuals can turn personal failures into successes if they learn from their mistakes.

Many people have a tendency to compare themselves negatively with others, seeing perfection in others while being painfully aware of their own weaknesses. One therapist recalled working with two female friends who were suffering from depression and a lack of self-confidence. Neither knew the other was receiving help, but both told essentially the same story: “Whenever I go to my friend’s home, she always seems to have everything together. Her house is orderly, her children are well-mannered, and she seems to be in control of her life. In contrast, I feel like I’m falling apart. The house is a mess, the kids are terrible, and I struggle just trying to keep my sanity.” After a few visits, the therapist realized that the women were talking about each other. Each saw the other as nearly perfect, while each saw herself as very imperfect.

Another common problem in troubled marriages involves husbands or wives who overlook personal faults while focusing upon the real or imagined imperfections of their spouse. Many marriages fail because husbands and wives do this to the point of becoming dissatisfied and unhappy with each other. It is always a good practice to recognize and resolve personal problems rather than to seek to change the behavior of one’s spouse.

Couples need to remember that no mortal being is perfect; perfection takes time. Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve advised Church members to try to improve each day, continuing in patience: “When our imperfections appear, we can keep trying to correct them. We can be more forgiving of flaws in ourselves and among those we love. We can be comforted and forbearing.”²⁶

The Joy of Eternal Families

God is omnipotent. As individuals seek an eternal perspective on their families, encourage them to consider for a moment the immensity of God’s creations and the purpose for which they were made. The Lord told Moses: “Worlds without number have I created; and I also created them for mine own purpose; and by the Son I created them, which is mine Only Begotten. … Innumerable are they unto man; but all things are numbered unto me, for they are mine and I know them” (Moses 1:33, 35). One writer marveled at the enormity of the universe: “[The Hubble telescope] pointed at one of the emptiest parts of the sky, focused on a region the size of a grain of sand held at arm’s length, and found layer upon layer of galaxies as far as its eye could see, … each containing billions of stars.”²⁸

The same God who created numberless worlds has declared that the eternal happiness of His children is His work and His glory (see Moses 1:39). He wants us and our families to find happiness in this life and eventually to receive the “riches of eternity” (D&C 78:18). While we may feel insignificant in proportion to the vastness of God’s creations, we must remember that we are His children. He has promised to help and bless us as we keep His commandments. We can receive the blessings that God has in store for us as we obey covenants and follow gospel principles.

The family is central to the gospel plan. President Gordon B. Hinckley taught:

“The Lord has ordained that we should marry, that we shall live together in love and peace and harmony, that we shall have children and rear them in His holy ways. …

“When all is said and done, this is what the gospel is about. The family is a creation of God. It is the basic creation. The way to strengthen the nation is to strengthen the homes of the people.

“I am satisfied that if we would look for the virtues in one another and not the vices, there would be much more of happiness in the homes of our people. There would be far less of divorce, much less of infidelity, much less of anger and rancor and quarreling. There would be more of forgiveness, more of love, more of peace, more of happiness. This is as the Lord would have it.”²⁹

How Covenants Guide Behavior

Church members often make covenants with the Lord. This list indicates how some covenants guide behavior. The potential impact of these covenants is tremendous. Abiding by the baptismal covenant alone will resolve most problems in marriage.

Baptism

(See 2 Nephi 31:17–21; Mosiah 18:8–10; D&C 20:37; Articles of Faith 1:4.)

Take upon oneself the name of Jesus Christ.
Stand as a witness for Jesus Christ.
Always keep the commandments.
Bear the burdens of others; mourn with those who mourn; comfort those who need comfort.
Show a willingness to serve God throughout life.
Manifest repentance of sins.

Sacrament

(See 3 Nephi 18:28–29; Moroni 4, 5; D&C 20:75–79; 27:2; 46:4.)

Renew baptismal covenants.
Recommit to take upon oneself the name of Christ, always remember Him, and keep His commandments.

Oath and Covenant of the Priesthood

(See Jacob 1:19; D&C 84:33–44; 107:31.)

Magnify callings by fulfilling priesthood responsibilities.
Teach the word of God and labor diligently to advance the Lord’s purposes.
Be obedient; obtain a knowledge of the gospel and live according to that knowledge.
Serve others and work to bless their lives.

Temple Endowment

“Observe the law of strict virtue and chastity, to be charitable, benevolent, tolerant and pure; to devote both talent and material means to the spread of truth and the uplifting of the race; to maintain devotion to the cause of truth; and to seek in every way to contribute to the great preparation that the earth may be made ready to receive her King,–the Lord Jesus Christ” (James E. Talmage, House of the Lord [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1962] 84).

Celestial Marriage

Love one’s spouse and remain faithful to him or her and to God through all eternity.
Live in ways that contribute to a happy family life and work to bless spouse and children.
“Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28).