“Session Two: Communicating with Love,” Strengthening Marriage: Instructor’s Guide (2006), 11–21
“Session Two,” Strengthening Marriage, 11–21
Session Two
Communicating with Love
“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.”
“The Family: A Proclamation To The World”
Session Objectives
During this session, help participants:
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Understand that as they become more Christlike and experience a change of heart, their desire and ability to communicate effectively and appropriately will increase.
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Learn communication skills that will enhance their ability to understand and share painful feelings.
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Understand that Christlike behavior and good communication strengthen marriage.
Love and Good Communication
Latter-day prophets and apostles have taught that parents should love each other and their children: “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other.”1
Communication in marriage includes every thought, feeling, act, or desire shared verbally and nonverbally between husband and wife. Good communication is a manifestation of love. Good communication fosters mutual understanding and respect, reduces conflict, and increases love, unlocking the doors to the highest levels of human intimacy. Every married couple can learn to communicate skillfully.
President Spencer W. Kimball taught the value of good communication:
“There is magic in words properly used. Some people use them accurately, while others sloppily.
“Words are means of communication, and faulty signals give wrong impressions. Disorder and misunderstandings are the results. Words underlie our whole life and are the tools of our business, the expressions of our affections, and the records of our progress. Words cause hearts to throb and tears to flow in sympathy. Words can be sincere or hypocritical. Many of us are destitute of words and, consequently, are clumsy with our speech.”2
The Magnitude of Communication Problems
In a national study of 21,501 married couples, psychologist David H. Olson of the University of Minnesota and his associate Amy K. Olson found poor communication to be among the top 10 stumbling blocks to marital satisfaction. Eighty-two percent of the couples wished their partners would share feelings more often. Other responses related to communication, though not in the top 10, also ranked high: 75 percent had difficulty asking their partner for what they wanted, 72 percent did not feel understood, 71 percent said their partner would not discuss issues or problems with them, and 67 percent said their partner made comments that put them down.3 The study also revealed “satisfying communication” as the top predictor of happy marriage.4
Softening of the Heart
Couples make the greatest progress toward improving their communication skills when they have a contrite heart and a willingness to forgive and ask forgiveness. Individuals can soften their hearts regardless of what their spouses choose to do.
Victor Cline, a psychologist and a member of the Church, observed: “I have found in thirty years of marriage counseling that learning new communication techniques, going to seminars on relationship skills, or reading all of the best books on the subject really won’t help heal marital wounds unless the individuals involved develop a contrite spirit or feel a softening of the heart. This softening of the heart usually needs to take place in both spouses, even though one may be principally at fault for the problems. While you can never force your spouse to change, you can change. You can choose to love and forgive no matter what else happens. The result will usually be a change in your spouse’s attitude and behavior as well.”5
The scriptures suggest that the way people communicate is related to the kind of people they are. Jesus taught, “Those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart” (Matthew 15:18). James declared in his epistle, “If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body” (James 3:2). Improving communication may require fundamental changes in basic character, in a person’s way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. As followers of Christ, we seek to become like Him, as He commanded when teaching the Nephite disciples: “What manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am” (3 Nephi 27:27).
Improving Communication
The following recommendations will help couples improve communication in their marriages.
Eliminate Destructive Ways of Talking to Each Other
In more than 20 years of studying interactions between couples, psychologist John Gottman identified four patterns of communication that often destroy marriages:
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Criticism: “Attacking someone’s personality or character … usually with blame.”
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Contempt: Insulting or demeaning the spouse; indicating by words or actions that one believes the spouse to be “stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool.”
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Defensiveness: Responding defensively to complaints, criticism, or contempt by making excuses, denying, arguing, whining, or counter-blaming rather than trying to solve the problem.
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Stonewalling: Withdrawing physically or emotionally from the relationship when disagreements occur, becoming like a stone wall.6
Some husbands and wives unthinkingly say and do things that hinder sharing and listening. Bad habits become deeply ingrained through years of repetition and reinforcement. Occasionally, problems are more extensive, involving spouses who intentionally obstruct communication because of anger, negative thinking, personal frustration, viciousness, or indifference. These couples may need ecclesiastical and professional help to resolve problems. If couples have communication stumbling blocks in their marriage, they should examine the way they talk to each other and why they talk that way, resolving any underlying problems.
In addition to eliminating destructive patterns of communication, couples should increase positive communication. “[The] magic ratio is 5 to 1,” said Gottman. When positive feelings and interactions occurred five times more often than negative interactions and feelings “the marriage was likely to be stable.”7
In his study, Gottman found that contented, happy couples were much more positive toward each other. These individuals interacted positively by:
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Showing interest in what their spouse had to say.
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Being affectionate through acts of tenderness, holding hands, and expressing love.
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Showing they cared through small acts of thoughtfulness, occasional gifts, and telephone calls.
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Showing appreciation by expressing thanks, giving compliments, and expressing pride in their spouse.
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Showing concern when their spouse was troubled.
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Being empathic, showing they understood and felt what their spouse was feeling.
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Being accepting, letting their spouse know that they accepted and respected what she or he said, even when they disagreed with it.
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Joking around and having fun together without being offensive.
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Sharing joy when excited or delighted.8
Although the ultimate objective is to eliminate negativity altogether, couples should try in the meantime to increase their positive interactions and decrease their negative interactions.
Recognize and Accept Differences
Some people behave as if they believe their spouse should think and act as they do. As couples recognize, accept, and appreciate their differences, they will be more understanding and responsive to each other’s needs and ways of doing things.
Many popular and scholarly books and articles have been written about the differences between men and women, particularly about styles and modes of communication. In reality, any two people may differ in significant ways. Some writers and lecturers argue that females place greater value on interdependence, connection with others, and cooperation and that they address problems through consensus, listening, asking questions, disclosing feelings, and sharing problems of their own. These people also claim that men generally place greater value on independence, freedom, status, and authority and that they address problems by acting on them, giving advice, reassuring others, and finding solutions.
While these books and articles are interesting and generally popular, the differences described vary from person to person and from culture to culture. Societal trends, familial upbringing, and occupational pursuits influence the way individuals think and how they communicate with and relate to others. Husbands and wives should understand that their spouses are individuals who have different ways of communicating. These differences need not be a hindrance; a difference of communicating or a different way of responding to a particular situation can become a strength in a marriage relationship.
Examine Destructive Thought Patterns
Individuals find it difficult to communicate positively if they have negative thoughts about their husband or wife. Negative thoughts are frequently distorted–the individual might magnify personal strengths while focusing on the weaknesses of his or her spouse. Participants can begin to correct any distorted thoughts they might have by challenging their thoughts–looking for evidence that they are inaccurate, viewing objectionable behavior in a different light, and considering that the spouse may have good intentions for his or her behavior. They can also pray that the Lord will help them see the spouse as He sees that person. Sometimes if one spouse speaks kindly to the other, both will develop positive thoughts and feelings.
Gottman found that destructive thoughts often involve feelings of innocent victimhood or self-righteous indignation; these thoughts can occur separately or together.9 People who are innocent victims often fear their spouses; they feel unfairly accused, mistreated, or unappreciated. Some become so fearful that they do not dare defend themselves. They feel justified in being victims, and they use their victimhood as an excuse to avoid responsibility for saving their marriages.10
The self-righteously indignant feel “hostility and contempt” toward their spouses for hurting them. They feel that their anger is justified and sometimes want revenge. Individuals who feel hurt or angry often do not want to use good communication skills. They do not care about listening or trying to understand.11
While it is okay for individuals to consider their own needs in marriage, some husbands and wives are self-centered and focus their thoughts on self-gratification. They may blame others rather than accept responsibility for problems, or they may lie about or deny their actions. They may spurn or belittle their spouse for not meeting their selfish expectations.
Sometimes individuals feel so overwhelmed by their own or their spouses’ negativity that they become hostile, defensive, or withdrawn and begin stonewalling. Constructive communication then becomes almost impossible.
Use Good Communication Skills
Wives and husbands can practice and strengthen skills that will help them communicate better. As they replace old destructive patterns of communication with new and better ways of relating, they create a better environment that can lead to the change of heart described earlier in this session. Skillful communication involves taking risks, however. When husbands and wives open the channels of communication, they begin to feel safer in sharing sensitive feelings they were afraid to talk about before. Differences may surface; conflicts may arise. The resulting pain, however, is usually temporary. Relationship wounds begin to heal when couples are able to understand and accept each other’s feelings. Problems can be resolved when couples are able to discuss underlying issues with skill and sensitivity.
The following skills will help couples improve communication.
Be interested and attentive when the spouse is talking. Individuals can show nonverbal interest by maintaining eye contact without staring and by paying attention instead of seeming distant or bothered.
When a spouse is troubled or needs to talk, the husband or wife needs to set aside personal interests and listen. If other obligations make listening impossible, the couple should arrange to continue the conversation as soon as possible. When listening to each other, couples should be aware of their own body language and should show that they are listening by nodding or saying, “I see,” “Uh-huh,” and so on. Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve counseled: “Taking time to talk is essential to keep lines of communication intact. If marriage is a prime relationship in life, it deserves prime time!”12
Ask questions. An individual can invite his or her spouse to talk by asking questions such as “Something seems to be troubling you. Do you want to talk about it?”
Some husbands and wives avoid conflict and hesitate to say what they think and feel, fearing to provoke disagreement. For that reason, they may not share sensitive matters with each other. However, feelings are unlikely to change unless they are discussed. Individuals can help their spouse discuss these sensitive matters by asking about their thoughts and feelings with a genuine desire to understand their point of view. Once they both understand each other’s perspectives, they can begin to work on solutions.
Listen actively. Good listeners occasionally rephrase what they hear. When they rephrase, they show interest and a desire to understand the message of the person who is speaking. If they didn’t hear it accurately, the speaker can clarify it.
Husbands and wives can say, “Let me restate what I think you said to make sure I understand it correctly.” (For example: “You’re hurt that I didn’t talk to you before buying the sofa. You felt left out and ignored. Is that right?” or “You feel like I broke an unwritten rule about making big decisions together when I bought that sofa, and it hurt you. Is that right?”) Individuals can repeat their understanding of the message until the other person is satisfied that the listener has understood. Listeners should not interject their own biases to make a point. They should accept the other person’s thoughts and feelings and not criticize or judge them.
Share intentions. When approaching a difficult topic, individuals can first share their intentions–what they want for the relationship, for their spouse, and for themselves. If their intentions are good, their spouse will understand that they want to resolve the issue, not criticize or complain.
When problems arise in marriage, sometimes the person who is upset will only vent negative feelings or engage in destructive ways of communicating such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. When this behavior occurs, it usually damages the relationship, provoking the spouse to feel rejected, unacceptable, humiliated, sad, hurt, frustrated, or angry. A better method is for husbands and wives to approach a problem with the idea that they will resolve it, not just complain about it. Therefore, they can begin by sharing their intention to resolve the problem. For example: “I want you to know that I love you and that I value our relationship. There is a problem we need to discuss. I want us to resolve the problem so we will continue to feel close to each other and feel good about each other.”
Use “I” statements. Individuals should use “I” statements when they are upset, rather than “you” statements.
An “I” statement shares personal feelings and gives the reasons for them (for example, “I feel frustrated when bills aren’t paid on time and checks are not entered in the checkbook register”) instead of focusing blame on the spouse. “I” statements also convey personal responsibility for feelings (for example, “I feel angry” rather than “you make me angry”).
“You” messages convey judgmental, negative, and often distorted information about the spouse (for example, “you are lazy” or “you never clean up after yourself”). “You” statements invite resentment, defensiveness, and retaliation.
Speak nondefensively and agree with the truth. Individuals should agree with the truth when they receive criticism or blame. When they take responsibility for mistakes, they can calm arguments and increase their credibility. If they deny the truth, they often intensify problems and appear weak and guilty.
Gottman described defensiveness as one of the most dangerous of the destructive ways of communicating. He observed that “it can lead to endless spirals of negativity.” Defensiveness includes denying responsibility, making excuses, disagreeing, criticizing, attacking, being cynical or sarcastic, and whining.
In contrast, nondefensiveness involves taking responsibility, acknowledging mistakes, seeking solutions to problems, sincerely agreeing to make changes, and respectfully acknowledging the feelings of the spouse. Gottman noted that couples who learn to be nondefensive will almost certainly improve their marriages: “The single most important tactic for short-circuiting defensive communication is to choose to have a positive mindset about your spouse and to reintroduce praise and admiration into your relationship.”13
As individuals agree with the truth and learn to speak nondefensively, they can remember the effectiveness of simply saying, “I’m sorry.” A sincere apology bridges conflict and soothes feelings of anger and contention.
Give honest praise. Honest praise enhances communication and helps individuals feel good about themselves. As Gottman suggested, “Reminding your partner (and yourself!) that you really admire him or her is likely to have a powerful, positive effect on the rest of your conversation.”14 Such praise strengthens relationships.
Clearly state preferences. Writer Susan Page observed that some couples go for years without sharing their preferences or expectations.15 Some expectations are simple, such as a request to take out the garbage or to carry a plate to the sink after dinner; others are less mundane. Page suggested that uncommunicated expectations can hamper a relationship for years. When expectations are not met, individuals often feel disappointed, frustrated, and angry, even if they have not expressed their desires or expectations. Eventually they may become disillusioned with the relationship.
Common reasons for not sharing desires and expectations include thoughts such as “He should know what I want”; “She’ll think I’m being critical”; “I should be content with what I have”; or “I’ll never get it anyway, so why ask?” Yet in asking for what they want, individuals show that they take responsibility in the relationship. The asking process generally strengthens the relationship. Even if a request is not granted or creates a conflict, the request will still bring the issue out in the open. Once the issue is expressed, it can be worked on and ultimately resolved.16
Individuals should use good judgment when asking for what they want, remembering that not all requests are appropriate. They should:
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Clarify in their minds what they want before asking.
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Choose the right time to make the request. The spouse is less likely to be responsive when preoccupied with other matters.
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Be specific; for example, they could say, “Would you please take out the garbage?” instead of “I wish you would be more helpful.”
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Briefly state the request without watering it down as a way to justify it; for example, they could say, “I’d like a good-bye kiss before I go to work,” instead of “I know it’s a lot to ask and sometimes you’re not fully awake, but it would help me feel better if …”
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Ask in a nondemanding way. “Would you mind …” is a good introductory phrase. Individuals should understand that the spouse has the right to say no, especially if the request is inappropriate.17
If the request seems appropriate and the individual feels strongly about it and the spouse denies it, the individual can ask again in another way. It may take time for the spouse to understand how much the request means.18
Examine How You Talk to Each Other (process versus content)
Sometimes couples focus so much on the issues at hand, such as who pays the bills or takes out the garbage (content issues), that they fail to recognize that the way they communicate (the process) is the greater problem. They try to repair communication problems by continuing to do things that do not work, such as yelling, arguing, or lecturing. Rather than helping resolve problems, these things contribute to ongoing contention. If couples evaluate and change their communication processes, making those processes more effective, they resolve conflict better and gain new perspectives that lead to better interactions.
One couple sought therapy because the wife feared her husband’s anger. He had slugged a bedroom wall during an argument, breaking the wallboard. In therapy he affirmed that he would never hurt anyone, while she argued that hitting objects could lead to hitting people (content issues).
Rather than allowing the couple to debate endlessly over whether the husband would hit someone, the therapist focused on how they typically handled disagreements, including the one they were currently having. The wife frequently complained to her husband about problems that bothered her. He felt blamed and emotionally overwhelmed. Not knowing what to say, he would stop talking and walk away. She interpreted his withdrawal as a rejection of her feelings. She then followed him from room to room, demanding that he talk with her. Eventually he would explode.
After the couple identified the process, the therapist helped them change their approach to problem solving. The wife learned to share her feelings less intrusively, while the husband learned to listen and respond appropriately to his wife’s feelings.
Communicating Effectively
Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve indicated how people could learn more loving communication: “I pray our Heavenly Father will help us to communicate more effectively in the home through a willingness to sacrifice, a willingness to listen, a willingness to vocalize feelings, a willingness to avoid judgment, a willingness to maintain confidences, and a willingness to practice patience. … Communication can help build family unity if we will work at it and sacrifice for it.”19