“Session Three: Fostering Equality and Unity,” Strengthening Marriage: Instructor’s Guide (2006), 22–31
“Session Three,” Strengthening Marriage, 22–31
Session Three
Fostering Equality And Unity
“There can be nothing of inferiority or superiority between the husband and wife in the plan of the Lord.”
President Gordon B. Hinckley
Session Objectives
During this session, help participants:
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Understand that husbands and wives are to love and care for each other as equal partners in marriage.
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Remove attitudes and behaviors that foster inequality and unrighteous dominion.
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Understand that the greatest happiness can be found when their efforts are complementary and they unitedly face and overcome challenges.
Reaching Our Full Potential
The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that husbands and wives are to “love and care for each other” and “help one another as equal partners.”1
President Gordon B. Hinckley emphasized the need for unity and equality between husband and wife: “In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.”
He taught that husbands and wives will be answerable to the Lord for the way they treat each other: “I am confident that when we stand before the bar of God, there will be little mention of how much wealth we accumulated in life or of any honors which we may have achieved. But there will be searching questions about our domestic relations. And I am convinced that only those who have walked through life with love and respect and appreciation for their companions and children will receive from our eternal judge the words, ‘Well done, thou good and faithful servant: … enter thou into the joy of thy lord’ (Matthew 25:21).”2
Jesus Christ gave a model of unity in the intercessory prayer He offered before His Crucifixion. He prayed that those who believe in Him “may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us” (John 17:21).
Elder Henry B. Eyring of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that this ideal of unity is a commandment and a necessity: “The Savior of the world, Jesus Christ, said of those who would be part of His Church: ‘Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine’ (D&C 38:27). And at the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope; it was a command! ‘Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh’ (Genesis 2:24). Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.”3
While serving in the General Relief Society Presidency, Sister Sheri Dew taught that unity is essential to the Lord’s pattern for couples: “Our Father knew exactly what He was doing when He created us. He made us enough alike to love each other but enough different that we would need to unite our strengths and stewardships to create a whole. Neither man nor woman is perfect or complete without the other. Thus, no marriage … is likely to reach its full potential until husbands and wives … work together in unity of purpose, respecting and relying upon each other’s strengths.”4
The Problem of Inequality
In a study of over 20,000 couples, David Olson and Amy Olson found that difficulty in sharing leadership equally was the greatest stumbling block to marital satisfaction. In contrast, they found that three of the top ten strengths of happy couples related to their ability to share leadership.
In this study, 93 percent of 21,501 married couples agreed with the statement, “We have problems sharing leadership equally.” Three of the other top ten stumbling blocks to marital happiness also relate to inequality and lack of unity: “My partner is too negative or critical” (83 percent), “I always end up feeling responsible for the problem” (81 percent), and “Our differences never seem to get resolved” (78 percent).
Using a marital satisfaction scale, the study classified couples as happy (5,153 couples) or unhappy (5,127 couples). The study revealed that at least three of the top ten strengths of happy couples related to sharing leadership: “We are creative in how we handle our differences” (78 percent), “My partner is seldom too controlling” (78 percent), and “We agree on how to spend money” (89 percent).5
Unfortunately, some individuals misuse authority and attempt to exert control over spouse and children. While in the Liberty Jail, the Prophet Joseph Smith wrote, “We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion” (D&C 121:39).
Among Church members, the more common forms of unrighteous dominion involve husbands or wives who try to control decision-making, problem solving, money management, and the teaching and disciplining of children without allowing the spouse to participate equally. The worst forms of unrighteous dominion involve the abuse of spouse and children.
President Hinckley condemned spouse abuse and other demeaning or insulting behavior, particularly by those who hold the priesthood:
“How tragic and utterly disgusting a phenomenon is wife abuse. Any man in this Church who abuses his wife, who demeans her, who insults her, who exercises unrighteous dominion over her is unworthy to hold the priesthood. Though he may have been ordained, the heavens will withdraw, the Spirit of the Lord will be grieved, and it will be amen to the authority of the priesthood of that man. …
“My brethren, if there be any within the sound of my voice who are guilty of such behavior, I call upon you to repent. Get on your knees and ask the Lord to forgive you. Pray to Him for the power to control your tongue and your heavy hand. Ask for the forgiveness of your wife and your children.”6
Fostering Equality
To achieve equality in marriage, husbands and wives may need to change old ways of thinking and behaving, remembering that the joys of unity far outweigh the pains of breaking old habits. By living the gospel of Jesus Christ, husbands and wives can enjoy happy, loving relationships. The Apostle Paul taught that every man should “love his wife even as himself” and that every wife should “reverence her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). Jesus declared to His disciples, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another” (John 13:34). He also commanded, “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27). The following guidelines will help husband and wife achieve this equality and unity in their marriage.
Love and Respect Each Other as Equal Partners
President Gordon B. Hinckley taught that couples should “walk side by side with respect, appreciation, and love one for another. There can be nothing of inferiority or superiority between the husband and wife in the plan of the Lord.”7 President Howard W. Hunter explained: “A man who holds the priesthood accepts his wife as a partner in the leadership of the home and family with full knowledge of and full participation in all decisions relating thereto. … The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)–that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership.”8
President Hinckley taught that an understanding of God’s relationship to His children helps individuals act appropriately: “When there is recognition of equality between the husband and the wife, when there is acknowledgment that each child born into the world is a child of God, then there will follow a greater sense of responsibility to nurture, to help, to love with an enduring love those for whom we are responsible.”9
President Spencer W. Kimball emphasized the importance of unselfishness: “Total unselfishness is sure to accomplish another factor in successful marriage. If one [spouse] is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions. … Certainly the foods most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence.”10
Preside in Righteousness
In the statement quoted on page 24, President Hinckley strongly condemned abuse in marriage. He declared that anyone “who exercises unrighteous dominion over [his wife] is unworthy to hold the priesthood.”11 The Lord taught that relationships are to be guided by righteousness, persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love, and kindness (see D&C 121:41–42).
The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve described the role of the father in the home: “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.”12 Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of Twelve explained that righteous leadership involves unity and equality between marriage partners: “Remember, brethren, that in your role as leader in the family, your wife is your companion. … Since the beginning, God has instructed mankind that marriage should unite husband and wife together in unity (see Genesis 2:24). Therefore, there is not a president or a vice president in a family. The couple works together eternally for the good of the family. They are united together in word, in deed, and in action as they lead, guide, and direct their family unit. They are on equal footing. They plan and organize the affairs of the family jointly and unanimously as they move forward.”13
Identify and Rechannel Controlling Behavior
Ordering others around can seem efficient, but it often provokes resentment and resistance, especially among family members. If husbands and wives have any tendency to control others, they can rechannel it and learn to control themselves by controlling what they think, how they act, and what they say. Practicing the behaviors taught in Doctrine and Covenants 121:41–42 will help them resolve these tendencies.
Taking charge is useful in some settings, such as in the workplace. Schoolteachers, corporate executives, day-care operators, police officers, and others must take charge to establish order or achieve work-related goals. But taking charge is not the same as controlling others. Attempts to control others create problems that may take far more effort to resolve than is needed to create good relationships in the first place. Members of the Church–who have covenanted to follow Jesus Christ–have an obligation to do as He did. The Savior taught others. He was persuasive and long-suffering, not manipulative or controlling.
Identify and Correct Thoughts and Beliefs About Control
Thoughts underlie virtually all feelings and behavior. A controlling husband may think, consciously or not, “My wife shouldn’t do anything without my permission, and that includes spending money. She’s not very good at budgeting.” A controlling wife may think, “If things are to be done correctly, I have to be in charge. I can’t trust anyone else to do it right.”
When such thinking is challenged and corrected, appropriate behavior is more likely to follow. One way individuals recognize automatic thoughts is for them to ask themselves “why” questions. For example, a wife can ask, “Why don’t I want my husband to help balance the checkbook?” An automatic thought may pop into her mind: “If he looks at the checks I write, he’ll criticize me for how I spend money.” Or she may think, “He always makes mistakes, and we can’t afford to make a mistake with our finances.” In some cases, such thoughts may be accurate, but in many cases they are not. If the wife talks to her husband about her fears, she may discover that the fears are exaggerated and that her husband can be a great help in managing their money.
Share Decision-Making
In healthy marriage, husband and wife make some decisions independently and some decisions together. They should make decisions together when the outcome affects them both or when it affects others in the family. Some husbands and wives approach decision making in terms of winning and losing. With a little effort and a willingness to talk, they can make decisions that are acceptable to them both so no one loses.
Husbands and wives often need to change from considering only their individual needs and wants to considering the needs of spouse and children. Decisions made by each spouse nearly always affect the whole family. President Kimball explained:
“Before marriage, each individual is quite free to go and come as he pleases, to organize and plan his life as it seems best, to make all decisions with self as the central point. Sweethearts should realize before they take the vows that each must accept literally and fully that the good of the little new family must always be superior to the good of either spouse. Each party must eliminate the ‘I’ and the ‘my’ and substitute therefore ‘we’ and ‘our.’ Every decision must take into consideration that there are two or more affected by it. As she approaches major decisions now, the wife will be concerned as to the effect they will have upon the parents, the children, the home, and their spiritual lives. The husband’s choice of occupation, his social life, his friends, his every interest must now be considered in the light that he is only a part of a family, that the totalness of the group must be considered.”14
Couples learn to become one as they follow the Lord. Elder Eyring explained that the Spirit unifies: “Where people have that Spirit [the Holy Ghost] with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony. The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Nephi 11:29).”15 As husbands and wives interact with patience, gentleness, meekness, love, kindness, and knowledge, they will have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, which will unite them and make them one in purpose and in effort. This influence will help them make wise and appropriate decisions.
Also, as husbands and wives make decisions together, they gain confidence that on occasions when an individual must decide alone, the decision will more likely represent the spouse’s views as well as the individual’s view.
Be Persistent
Established ways of thinking and behaving are often difficult to change. Old habits are hard to break, but they can be changed through persistent effort.
Change is more likely to occur when husbands and wives are committed in their efforts to bring about a better relationship. Good intentions are often short-lived unless couples make a determined effort to continue the new way of relating. Additional factors that help bring about change include:
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Recognizing the need for change.
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Verbally expressing to the spouse or others a desire to change.
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Making a commitment to the spouse and others on changes to be made.
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Formulating a specific plan, with intermediate steps and goals, to implement positive change in daily life.
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Having a network of support (others who encourage the person in his or her efforts to change).
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Accountability, such as reporting to the spouse, the bishop, or friends on progress toward change.
As husband and wife invest time and energy in fostering unity and equality, they will develop individually and as a couple, and they will bring new life to their marriage. They will also have greater love and respect for each other.
Acting and Rejoicing as One
When wives and husbands work together in love and unity as equal partners, the results are synergistic–their combined effort is greater than the sum of individual contributions. Elder Richard G. Scott described the strength that comes when the complementary capacities of husbands and wives are unified as the Lord intends: “For the greatest happiness and productivity in life, both husband and wife are needed. Their efforts interlock and are complementary. … When used as the Lord intends, those capacities allow a married couple to think, act, and rejoice as one–to face challenges together and overcome them as one, to grow in love and understanding, and through temple ordinances to be bound together as one whole, eternally. That is the plan.”17
President Ezra Taft Benson taught the importance of service for happiness in marriage and for personal growth: “The secret of a happy marriage is to serve God and each other. The goal of marriage is unity and oneness, as well as self-development. Paradoxically, the more we serve one another, the greater is our spiritual and emotional growth.”18
Equality in the Marriage Relationship
Rate yourself and how you believe your spouse would rate you on each of the relationship items below, using the following scale: 1–Never 2–Infrequently 3–Sometimes 4–Often 5–Always
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My Ratings for Myself |
Relationship Items |
How I Believe My Spouse Would Rate Me on This Item | ||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
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Never |
Always |
Never |
Always | |||||||
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
I lead in our family according to scriptural guidelines. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
I am loving toward my spouse and children, and they feel my love for them. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
I respect family members and am not angry or abusive. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
My greatest marital priority is treating my spouse with love and kindness. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
I live in such a way that my spouse wants to be with me eternally. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
I treat my spouse as an equal partner. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
I live in a way that invites the influence of the Spirit to our home. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
I try to solve problems through counseling together. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
I try to understand and respect my spouse’s thoughts and feelings. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
I respect my spouse’s needs for space and privacy. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
We decide as equal partners how money is spent. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
We share domestic responsibilities when we are at home. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
I try to help my spouse find time and resources to develop talents and pursue interests. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
We have the same spiritual goals and commitment to live the gospel. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
We both participate in disciplining the children. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
We both feel good about the husband’s presiding role. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |