“Is there any reason a young woman should not ask a young man on a date?”

Answer/Sister Arlene B. Darger

It’s a little like asking, “Is bread fattening?” The answer might be “No, unless you eat it!” or “It depends. What kind is it? Thin sliced, low calorie? Or thick date nut with a generous layer of cream cheese on top? What is your motive? Are you eating it to fill a nutritional need or just a hollow sweet tooth? What effect will it have on your caloric intake for the day?” In other words, this is not necessarily a yes/no question. There may be some considerations you would want to look at.

Girls’ choice dances have been around for a long time, and girls have gathered up their courage to ask a boy to these once-a-year occasions, so I assume we are talking about something apart from these.

In preparation for writing this article I asked approximately 50 people, selected at random, what they thought. Some were parents; most were 16- to 18-year-olds, boys and girls, ranging all the way from shy to outgoing, and all capable and attractive. The responses ranged from, “It’s great! Takes the pressure off me” (cute 16-year-old young man) to negative shrugs from four 17-year-old young men. Most of the girls responded with, “I think it’s okay once in a while, if it’s something really special.” There were some competent and confident young women, however, who said that they would not ask a boy for a date. One mother of a 16-year-old young man said, “I don’t like it when the girls call too often asking for casual dates or just to talk. My boy is busy with sports and a part-time job to earn money for his mission and education. At this time of his life I would rather he spent his extra time in family-related activities or doing things with his boyfriends.”

In making decisions about dating, you might want to consider some of the following questions.

Why do you date?

Dating is something that some girls dream about and some boys tolerate. It provides opportunities to practice social and relating skills that will eventually help you to sustain a happy and lasting marriage. It also provides opportunities to learn what qualities and characteristics you admire in different people you date and ultimately to select the one you will share this life and eternity with.

When do you date?

Circumstances vary, of course, in different parts of the world. In some cultures youth leave the protective environment of the home and are required to find their way in life at a fairly young age. In most western cultures, there is opportunity to take more time to prepare ourselves and to make wise decisions regarding our life’s work and our life’s companion. President Spencer W. Kimball has said: “Any dating or pairing off in social contacts should be postponed until at least the age of 16 or older, and even then there should still be much judgment used. … Young people should still limit the close contacts for several years, since the boy will be going on his mission when he is 19 years old.

“Dating and especially steady dating in the early teens … distorts the whole picture of life. It deprives you of worthwhile and rich experiences; it limits friendships; it reduces the acquaintances which can be so valuable in selecting a partner for time and eternity.

“There is definitely a time for the dance, for travel, for associations, for the date, and even for the steady date that will culminate in the romance which will take young people to the holy temple for eternal marriage. But it is the timing that is so vital. It is wrong to do even the right things at the wrong time in the wrong place under the wrong circumstances” (“President Kimball Speaks Out on Morality,” New Era, Nov. 1980, p. 42).

The teen years are a unique time of life. During these years you will have more time for yourself, to do the things you want to do, than you will have again for a long time. Use this time to find out about yourself and who you really are, what it means to be a “chosen” daughter or son of our Heavenly Father, part of a noble generation saved for this time. Find out what is important for you. What are your goals? What do you want to accomplish in your life? What standards and values are important to you?

How do you date?

Use your teen years to extend your friendships. How about doing things in groups rather than as couples? Have group cookouts, group study sessions, and group sing-ins. You may have to take the initiative at first to plan such boy-girl get togethers, but the others will love it, especially if there’s food involved. Be creative. Try to include some group activities in your ward and stake dances, like square dancing, folk dancing, and group mixer dances. Attend church socials as a group and go home as a group. These teen years can be rewarding, meaningful, and fun without ever having a date.

It seems to me that the important thing in dating, as in everything in life, is to keep things in the proper perspective. Ask yourself, What impact will this have on me? my family? friends? those who look to me for example? How important is it in light of my goals and plans for the future? What will be the consequences of my action for me and for others? What would my Heavenly Father have me do?

Remember that dating is not an end in itself. It is a means to an end. It is not even a true test of popularity. You can be very popular with your friends and still not have many dates.

As in all important decisions, think about the people you admire—your church leaders, teachers, family, and friends—and look to them as role models. Realize that the situations and values you see portrayed in many of the movies and television shows are contrived. They are not real life. Real life is what you create for yourself by the decisions you make.

Consult with your parents. They have a sacred stewardship for your life and are anxious to help you in any way they can. Seek guidance from your Father in Heaven. He knows all your frustrations and your heartaches. Seek to understand his plan for you, and he will remove your fear and give unto you the spirit of “power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Tim. 1:7). He has said, “Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find” (3 Ne. 14:7). Build your house [life] upon a rock so it will be strong and will withstand the pressures of the world (see 3 Ne. 14:24–25). Watch and pray always, lest you be tempted to stray from his plan (see 3 Ne. 18:18). “Hold up your light [your standards] that it may shine unto the world” (3 Ne. 18:24).

While you young women wait for your special men to return from their missions or while you are preparing to be the right one rather than looking for the right one, work to increase your own knowledge and understanding of the gospel. Then when you do meet him you will be on the same high level of spiritual maturity and enthusiasm and can go from there, growing together in commitment and love for the Lord.

Always remember how important you are. Have a good image of yourself. Know what your strengths are and also your weaknesses. Have purpose in your life. Set your goals high, and always be working to achieve them and to become the best person you are capable of becoming. This means practicing self-discipline to keep yourself on target. Seek for protection in all you do, and don’t let anything or anyone lure you into doing something that would compromise your standards or keep you from reaching your goals. You have been promised that all things will work together for your good if you love God (see Rom. 8:28).

So we come back to our original question, “Is there any reason a young woman should not ask a young man on a date?” The decision must be your own. The Savior said, “It is not meet that I should command in all things. … Men [and women] should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves” (D&C 58:26–28). I hope you can see that I feel this is a matter of free agency. The decision is up to you to make with the proper perspective, proper motives, understanding, and the help of all those who love you.

“Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.

“… perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you.

“Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

“… be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven” (D&C 6:34–37).

“Is bread fattening?” Maybe! But after giving it very careful consideration, I think I’ll go fix myself a big slice of warm bread—with cheese.

• Former First Counselor, Young Women General Presidency