From the Mission Field
Not Feeling Good Enough as a Missionary?
When striving to be a “perfect” missionary becomes discouraging, we can focus on faith, love, and God’s infinite grace.
How many missionaries have felt discouraged about their not-so-perfect efforts to be obedient? Some missionaries interpret obedience with thoughts like, “As soon as you make one mistake today, you won’t get any more blessings,” or “If you wake up five minutes late, you might as well not even try teaching anyone, because you will already have lost the Spirit.”
However, anyone who has embarked on the path of discipleship with a sincere desire for perfect obedience has learned that mistakes are inevitable. With the exception of Jesus Christ, “there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey,”1 yet some missionaries still beat themselves up over every single mistake, oversight, or weakness!
Constantly criticizing yourself is contrary to God’s plan of happiness. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “As children of God, we should not demean or vilify ourselves, as if beating up on ourselves is somehow going to make us the [missionary] God wants us to become. No! With a willingness to repent and a desire for increased righteousness always in our hearts, I would hope we could pursue personal improvement in a way that doesn’t include getting ulcers or anorexia, feeling depressed or demolishing our self-esteem. That is not what the Lord wants for Primary children or anyone else who honestly sings, ‘I’m trying to be like Jesus.’”2
It’s easy for missionaries to feel discouraged or overwhelmed when they think they must be perfect missionaries. But we need to understand that exact obedience doesn’t equal perfection. President Russell M. Nelson assures us that “perfection is pending. It can come in full only after the Resurrection and only through the Lord.”3
So how can we retrain ourselves to understand what obedience really means? And how can we be obedient in the way the Lord commands, without self-criticism or despair?
Strive for Faithful Obedience
Perhaps a better way to look at our efforts to be obedient is through the lens of faithfulness rather than perfection. When we strive for this, our negative feelings toward ourselves can disappear.
In the new missionary handbook, it says, “Jesus Christ is the example of perfect faithfulness,”4 meaning that Christ was faithful in doing the will of the Father. When we are faithful, we are doing our best to align our desires and actions with God’s will.
Elder Richard Neitzel Holzapfel, an Area Seventy who worked on the new missionary handbook, commented on this idea: “Being faithful also means that you try to learn, grow and improve, correct mistakes quickly, and take personal responsibility. So, the idea is that I’m going to fail—I’m not going to be able to do everything perfectly. That’s all right. That’s part of the process of becoming faithful.”5 As long as we are trying every day to become just a little better or a little more on time or a little more diligent—and relying on the gift of repentance when we do make mistakes—we are being faithfully obedient to God and our mission standards.
I (Holly) learned the importance of faithful obedience early in my mission. One evening, my companion and I were teaching two young girls in the home of Church members. The Spirit filled the lesson, and new friendships began to form. But as the lesson ended, it was already dark outside. Transportation was always an issue in our area of the Philippines, as people rarely owned their own vehicles, and the streets were often dangerous at night. We worried about our young friends getting home safely.
My companion and I had two options: (1) break our curfew to walk our friends safely home, or (2) rush back to the apartment to be exactly obedient to our mission rule, leaving the girls on their own. Although I worried about us being disobedient, we decided to walk them home. (Looking back now, I realize I should have called my mission leaders for additional counsel and to make them aware of where we would be.)
By the time we dropped the girls off at their houses and made it back to our apartment, we were several minutes past our mission curfew. Although I felt guilty at first, the Spirit assured me that God accepted our decision, because we were being faithfully obedient to His command to serve and love others as Christ would. This did not mean that we looked for ways to break rules in the future. Instead, it meant that we always strove to be obedient to the promptings of the Spirit in the moment (and planned ahead so that we wouldn’t find ourselves in a similar dilemma again!).
From this experience I learned that when it feels like the rules are at odds with what seems right, the Spirit can reveal to us what God would have us do.
Focus on Love
When we feel bogged down by the dos and don’ts of the mission or the unattainable need to be perfect, we can simplify our missionary service by focusing on showing Christlike love for others. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles testified: “All the shoulds and the musts and the thou shalts—lead to love. When we love God, we want to serve Him. We want to be like Him.”6
And when we feel overwhelmed by our imperfections, we can remember that “charity never faileth” (Moroni 7:46). Missionaries are fulfilling their duty and commission when they practice charity for all.
We should extend this compassion to not only others but also ourselves as we continue to learn and grow. President Nelson said, “My heart goes out to conscientious Saints who, because of their shortcomings, allow feelings of depression to rob them of happiness in life.”7 The same applies to sincere, hardworking elders and sisters who allow their inadequacies to rob them of the joy of serving Christ. Love your imperfect self and strive for that joy.
We also need to remember that God loves us. Lisa Mitchell, product manager of the new missionary handbook, noted how the new handbook reminds us that God loves us. She said:
“He wants to help us—because we sometimes get lost in the dos and don’ts. Just remember He loves you, He is aware of you, He will bless you. He is going to empower you through His Son. …
“You can do this. You don’t have to be overwhelmed. You’re not to criticize yourself all the time for your faults and weaknesses.”8
Rely on the Savior’s Grace
Don’t get us wrong—obedience is important, and we should strive to be as obedient as possible. President Ezra Taft Benson (1899–1994) taught that “when obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power.”9
But since so many of us think our imperfections mean that God won’t endow us with power—that He won’t bless our honest efforts—it’s also important to remember that your success as a missionary is not based on your own level of perfection. President Benson reminds us that instead, it’s about whether you make obedience your personal quest.10
Never think that just because you aren’t the perfect missionary, God will not bless you. It is by God’s grace that He can make our weaknesses into strengths (see Ether 12:27). His grace is sufficient, even when we feel our efforts may not be, as long as we “deny [ourselves] of all ungodliness, and love God with all [our] might, mind and strength” (Moroni 10:32).
A mission, just like mortality, is a training ground where we will sometimes make mistakes. And if those we teach can receive forgiveness and grace along the way, then why would we think that we can’t? We are the Lord’s missionaries! Surely Jesus Christ is powerful enough to help even us, and perhaps especially us.
Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said it this way: “Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement [of Jesus Christ] is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the [Savior’s] Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully. We may mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities.”11
Elder Holland said, “Our only hope for true perfection is in receiving it as a gift from heaven—we can’t ‘earn’ it.”12 God’s grace magnifies our faith and efforts so that we can eventually become perfect.
Remember the Lord Is with You
So stop beating yourself up today because you haven’t achieved perfection at age 18 or 28! You have your whole mortal life and beyond to recognize and overcome weaknesses, repent and do better, and become perfected through Christ. During your mission, you don’t need to hyperfocus on being perfect. Instead, focus on your faith in Christ. Develop your love for God and His children. Do your best to be faithfully obedient to the mission rules and God’s commands, and pray to feel that God accepts your efforts.
Know that as you do so, the Lord will work alongside you, giving you grace in every step and every stumble. Remember that “with the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed.”13
We don’t become perfect missionaries the day we are set apart, nor do we leave the mission field as perfect. But today, you can be the perfectly imperfect, amazing missionary that God wants you to be.