Especially for Newlyweds
5 Things I Wish I’d Known about Building a Happy Marriage
It takes a lot of work to build a joyful, Christ-centered relationship. Here are some things I’ve learned that can help.
Photograph posed by models
Before you get married, you might receive a lot of unsolicited advice and warnings. I heard everything from “The first year of marriage is the hardest” to “The first years of marriage are the best” to “Go to bed angry” to “Don’t go to bed angry.”
But now that my husband, Dave, and I have been married for a few years, I’ve learned a lot of things that I wish someone would have told me about “build[ing] a happy marriage that will sustain and comfort you forever.”1 Here are just a few of them.
1. A little bit of reflection goes a long way.
Preach My Gospel recommends that missionaries hold a weekly companionship inventory, and Dave and I have learned so much from holding these in our marriage as well. Preach My Gospel says: “Share with your companion what you think his or her strengths are. Ask for suggestions on how you can improve. If needed, set goals that will improve your relationship.”2
Dave and I have found it helpful to take some time each Sunday to ask each other questions like, “What can I do to be a better spouse to you?” and “What are my strengths?” Doing this has helped us have many open and honest conversations about ways we can improve individually and as a couple and has brought us closer together.
2. It’s OK to be different.
When Dave and I had been married for about two months, we had our first heated discussion. What started out as a calm conversation about a political issue quickly became a tense debate that left us both feeling very frustrated and emotional. I had never known that we could disagree so deeply. I was also confused—I thought we weren’t supposed to disagree, especially since we had gotten married in the temple.
I have since learned that we are two unique individuals and it’s more than OK to not agree about everything. In fact, it’s better that we have different perspectives. President Russell M. Nelson expounded on how our differences as a married couple can make our relationship stronger. He said, “An ideal marriage is a true partnership between two imperfect people, each striving to complement the other, to keep the commandments, and to do the will of the Lord.”3
Heavenly Father created men and women to complement each other in marriage. And since that heated discussion, I’ve discovered that even when we disagree, we can later calmly talk things over, listen to each other, and accept the fact that we won’t always have the same views. That understanding has made our relationship so much stronger.
3. Focusing on the positive can help build a happy home.
Early on in our marriage, Dave and I discovered that we have very different ways of doing the dishes. At first his habits really drove me nuts, and I would try to show him the “right” way to do things. But that only led to frustration for both of us.
As Sister Marjorie P. Hinckley explained: “I realized it would be better if we worked harder at getting accustomed to one another than constantly trying to change each other. … There must be a little give and take, and a great deal of flexibility, to make a happy home.”4
When we finally talked about each other’s quirks and habits, Dave and I realized that our relationship was much more important than the way we did the dishes. Now when I do the dishes, I do it my way, and when he does the dishes, he does it his way. I’ve found that when I focus more on being grateful to him for doing the dishes than how he’s doing them, I am much happier.
4. Having fun together is a must.
Dave and I know that our marriage is precious, so we try to find ways to have fun together. After all, “men [and women] are, that they might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:25), and marriage can be one of the most joyful experiences of mortality. Sometimes, with all we have on our plates, it can be easy to fall into a routine and not take time to find fun and joy in daily married living.
One of the best things about being married is having your best friend with you all the time. Dave and I love leaving messages for each other on our bathroom mirror with whiteboard markers and texting each other funny GIFs throughout the day. Creative dates and home evenings can also help you take a break from responsibilities and deepen your friendship.
5. The Savior is invested in your marriage.
These things have helped me as I’ve learned how strong our marriage can be when we both strive to live the gospel together. Eternal marriage is more than just a social contract or a union recognized by the government; it represents sacred covenants that we made with each other—and with God. Because of that, the Savior is just as invested in our marriage as we are. He cares about us coming together and becoming one. And He will help us as we strive to do so.
As Dave and I work together to find joy and live the gospel, we’ve noticed our marriage becoming stronger and stronger. We love being married and learning together every day.