Finding Answers: From Sister to Sister
How Do I Forgive and Trust My Husband Again?
Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace, is the only one who can truly give our stories a happily ever after.
During high school, I dated the young man who would later become my husband. He was tremendously intelligent, a nationally ranked athlete, a faithful member of the Church, and essentially everything I had ever wanted. He was my Prince Charming and had become a crucial part of my anticipated life plan.
But the years between graduating from high school and getting married ended up being some of the most difficult of my life. And the more challenging my life got, the harder I clung to the prospect of that ideal future with a perfect husband—to me, that was the only way to find happiness.
Throughout these challenging experiences, I unintentionally forced the Savior out of the equation. I falsely believed that faith and submission to God’s will did not allow me to be in control, which made me feel unsafe. So rather than submit my will, I tried harder to control everything and everyone in my environment.
The Impact of Betrayal
Then, in October 2019, one month after I gave birth to our beautiful second child, my eternal companion admitted to several years of pornography use and acts of adultery. I had known this man for 10 years—in many ways, we’d grown up together—but after his confession, it felt like I didn’t know him as well as I’d thought.
To say I was devastated would be a profound understatement. I was terrified of this unfamiliar, dark place I’d suddenly been forced into by the person I trusted most, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt lost and completely, bitterly alone.
After six months of us going to therapy, my husband working to repent, and both of us counseling with our bishop and stake president and doing our own individual work, I couldn’t handle the fear and uncertainty in my marriage any longer, so I filed for divorce. Though my husband had been the one who had made the damaging mistakes, I felt I was the one being punished. Here I was, alone with two young children, and, for the first time in my life, I had no plan. In some ways, I felt like Joseph Smith when he cried to the Lord from Liberty Jail: “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:1).
After my prayers for a quick fix remained unanswered, I began to realize that nothing I was currently doing was going to alter my situation. I had spent so long believing I could make everything work out the way I wanted that I failed to understand one vital fact: the only person I have control over is myself.
So, after years of subconsciously fighting against God and His will, I decided I would do something different. I did as Elder Gerrit W. Gong of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles counseled—to “trust what the scriptures call ‘in process of time.’”1 I decided to let go of my need to control and submit my will to God. I stopped trying to negotiate with Heavenly Father and faced the reality of what was.
Seeking Forgiveness
When I finally let Christ into my heart, my prayers were answered in a way I did not anticipate. The Spirit made it very clear that my husband and I were supposed to reconcile. I was relieved at the answer I received, but I also wondered, How can I possibly forgive someone who has betrayed and hurt me as profoundly as my husband has?
In many ways, I felt like forgiving and reconciling with my husband meant that I was accepting his past actions and behaviors, and I simply could not do that. So how could our eternity realistically be salvaged while there was still so much damage and pain?
But as I counseled with Heavenly Father, attended the temple, and drew nearer to Christ, I concluded that forgiveness, just like repentance, is a process—not a onetime event. If my husband could repent and overcome his habits with time, then I could do the same with forgiveness.
I also had to believe in this truth taught by Elder Gong: “We can always trust God. The Lord knows us better and loves us more than we know or love ourselves. His infinite love and perfect knowledge of past, present, and future make His covenants and promises constant and sure.”2
If Heavenly Father had given me the answer to work things out with my husband, I needed to trust that He knew that this decision would be in my family’s best interest. These realizations gave me strength and courage, and, for the first time in the six weeks since I had filed for divorce, I felt completely at peace.
Four days before our divorce was finalized, my husband and I had a Spirit-guided conversation in which we openly communicated about our individual perspectives, fears, frustrations, and expectations. The Lord opened our hearts, and we both listened to each other with Christlike love and compassion. That discussion ultimately saved our marriage and our eternal family.
The story doesn’t end there, though. Now, three years later, my husband and I are still working tirelessly to spiritually safeguard our eternal relationship. We both still have full use of our agency, which admittedly makes it difficult to avoid getting sucked back into old habits and illusions of perceived control. His repentance and my forgiveness and our patience with each other take effort and daily commitment.
Yet our experiences together have helped me learn to trust more in the relationship I have with Jesus Christ and to allow Him to help us rebuild our foundation. I’ve also learned that our loving Savior and merciful Father in Heaven will not always take away or prevent challenges in life, no matter how faithful we are, because these challenges often lead to vital eternal lessons that we must learn to progress through mortality.
You Can Find Joy
Sisters, if you are facing a similar situation in your marriage, please come unto Christ and counsel with sister leaders, priesthood leaders, trusted family members and friends, and professionals to help you determine the best possible path. Take your questions to Heavenly Father to make the right decision for your circumstances. Whether or not you choose to stay with your spouse after a betrayal, remember that your eternal happiness is guaranteed as long as you remain true to the covenants you have made with God.
President Russell M. Nelson taught that “if you are married to a companion who has broken his or her covenants, your willingness to let God prevail in your life will allow your covenants with God to remain intact. The Savior will heal your broken heart. The heavens will open as you seek to know how to move forward. You do not need to wander or wonder.”3
Regardless of how you and your spouse choose to move forward, you can rely on the Savior for help in reconciling your feelings. Do not allow negative emotions to hold you hostage by refusing to forgive him. Turn to the Savior’s healing power to help you and show you how, as Elder Gong said, to “forgive … in the right time and way, as the Lord says we must.”4
Forgiveness is possible because of Him, and forgiving will help you reclaim the happiness and peace that you desire. Covenant-keeping women can have everlasting joy and prosperity by relying on the “merits of him who is mighty to save” (2 Nephi 31:19)—Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace.