How Could I Be a Mother If I Couldn’t Take Care of My Baby?
When my son was born prematurely at 25 weeks, I couldn’t take care of him, and I started to question my identity as a mother.
“The doctor has been closely watching your baby’s heartbeat. She decided we’re going to deliver the baby in an hour.”
One rushed C-section later, I was a mom. Almost four months earlier than I had expected. When I finally got to see my baby, he was hooked up to many monitors. He only weighed one pound and nine ounces.
My husband and I named him Hudson, and all I wanted to do was hold him, but I couldn’t. Everything about becoming a mom so far was completely different than I had expected.
Peace through Trials
So many miracles took place surrounding Hudson’s birth. I had decided to go to the hospital to figure out why he’d stopped moving, and that was a miracle, because otherwise he might not have made it. There was also a couple in the elevator who’d had a baby born at 25 weeks, and they reassured my husband everything would be OK.
But the miracle that amazed me was the peace I felt. When the nurse told me my baby needed to be delivered, I felt an indescribable amount of peace. I knew it was because of the priesthood blessing my husband had given me.
Even with that peace, the next few days were filled with pain, tears, and frustration as I recovered from surgery and as I tried to learn how to provide for Hudson. Because he was in the NICU, I couldn’t take care of him the way I always expected to. I felt so disconnected from him. There were moments when my husband and I sat on the hospital bed and cried to Heavenly Father, wondering why we had to go through this trial.
Finding My Place as a Mother
With Hudson in intensive care, my husband and I adjusted to a new routine revolving around hospital visits. At first, it was exhausting. Hudson was so tiny, and it was hard for me to watch him struggle. I didn’t feel like I could do anything to help or even bond with him. I didn’t feel like I was his mom. I left the hospital every day fighting back tears.
The first time I held Hudson helped me feel more connected, but I still felt unable to care for him. My husband and I kept reminding ourselves that he was our baby, and eventually he would come home.
It wasn’t until Hudson was around 10 weeks old that I felt like we really connected. I began nursing him, rather than all his nourishment going through an IV or a feeding tube. One day we arrived at the hospital to find him crying uncontrollably. The nurse put him into my arms, and he immediately relaxed and looked up at me like that had been exactly what he wanted. It was the first time I felt like he needed me. His mom.
On one difficult day, my younger brother sent me a text that said, “It has been quite the experience to watch you become a mother. I think that the Lord gave you Hudson and his unique circumstances because He knew that you could handle it and that you would strengthen and teach us all through your experience.”
That’s when I started to realize that being a mother didn’t just mean taking care of Hudson—it also meant teaching and showing compassion to those around me as a righteous woman. President Russell M. Nelson expressed, “Every woman is a mother by virtue of her eternal divine destiny … Men can and often do communicate the love of Heavenly Father and the Savior to others. But women have a special gift for it—a divine endowment. You have the capacity to sense what someone needs—and when he or she needs it. You can reach out, comfort, teach, and strengthen someone in his or her very moment of need.”1
Looking Forward
As I write this, Hudson is still in the NICU. But he is doing better every day. I have learned so much about relying on the Lord, the power of fasting and prayer, and working with my husband to lift each other up. I’ve come to know how the Lord can make our burdens light (see Mosiah 24:15). As I’ve relied on my Heavenly Father and my Savior and the covenants I’ve made, I’ve learned that motherhood has more to do with the desires of our hearts than our abilities or circumstances. This truth has brought me a lot of comfort.
We still have a long journey ahead of us, and I still have a lot to learn about what mothering means for me. But I know that through Christ I can feel peace and continue to learn in my own way how to become the best mom for Hudson that I can.